I arrived on site at 11:30am and attended the last of a Circle of Song workshop presented by Sean Ciall.  Was having a really emotional morning, totally out of sorts. When I get that way I get into a judging and intolerant frame of mind and it was upsetting me to be in that head space at OLOTEAS.  But thy ended with a good grounding to a singing bowl chime that went on and on and on and I was able to get a little better.

Afterwards The Ex and I hugged and started walking towards the grove of trees near his tent. He knew I wasn’t right and asked me what was wrong.  I snapped “Wait.  I need to find a safe place.”  Wow.  Okay then.  Thankfully I found a spot that felt very safe and we sat in the damp grass and I began to cry.  By this time I’m sure he was worried. I was too. I finally was able to pinpoint my feelings and share them. “I just want to escape, to run, from everything and I don’t know why.”  And then it all came out.  The pain of the loss of a long term friendship, the fear of the new car responsibility, my sadness that I was feeling my partner didn’t want to privately circle with me at Sabbats.  Tears galore. The Ex just listened and held my hands, hugged me, got me a tissue.  What a wonderful partner.

And then he pointed out that today was Lughnasadh and that it was a day of sacrifice. Oh. But of course. Thank you my love.

I had a dream about a year ago where I met with the God in the form of the sun. This wasn’t the first time to meet the God as the Sun in my dreams and like the others it was momentous. In this case it was also brief, not all have been so.  The God said to me, “Sacrifice! This lifetime is about sacrifice for you.  It wouldn’t be a sacrifice if it didn’t cost you something.  Go into it with joy and be glad.  What a gift to be able to Sacrifice.”  In so many words as dreams go.  I awoke feeling really positive and joyful about it all.  Which was so amazing.  I was joyful to be able to sacrifice for the good.

There have been times of late when I did not feel that sacrificing that friendship was for the good of all.  Many times it has felt just plain shitty. Yuck. I’ve meditated on it a lot. I know it was the right thing to do. What I’m grieving the most is that she doesn’t really know or understand why I felt I had to do that and hence I am now the bad, crazy, guy.  So many feelings.  So many years of good friendship.  Yet in those years there was a lot of sadness for me too.  I never felt like it was anything close to an equal friendship, or to a friendship really.  Not how I define a friendship. And in the end that is what it came down to.  We disagreed on the fundamentals of the relationship and it just couldn’t continue.  Very sad.

Grasshoppers keep showing up on my car. Bright green little creatures that I assist to the grass after they jump onto my arms. They are so lovely against the golden glitter color of my car. And I feel like the grasshopper, as if I really leapt into the decision.  The decision to end the friendship, the decision to buy the car. 

The Ex pointed out to me this morning that if it wasn’t meant to be this way it wouldn’t have worked out that way and would have happened in a different way than it did.  How did he get to be so wise? He of course doesn’t think he’s wise at all.  But I know different.

So, there I was, with a damp butt in the damp grass in the warm embrace of my lover, my partner, drying my tears.  We began discussing my desire to celebrate the sabbats with a partner.  I confessed that I had been feeling such a strong calling from my spirituality to put all my energy into that part of my life and that I really wanted to celebrate just 8 times a year with him. But if he didn’t feel he could do that I was going to have to go it alone.  I don’t know that it meant we would have to separate but honestly I am so driven to share it with a partner, a lover, that I couldn’t see my way forward.  We talked more about what it was I was looking for and it turns out that there was some misunderstanding there.  We clarified many things about a vision we could create together and came to an agreement.  Mabon here we come.

The angst fled (well it showed up a bit last night as I tried to get to sleep) and we had a lovely day meeting old friends and making new friends. We laughed in the shade, shared food, and made love in the deep shade of our tent in the trees.  And then the other fireworks began…

Fires of Lughnasadh is a skyclad (naked) event.  No children under the age of 13 except babes at the breast.  A hundred naked people waiting for the sacrifice of The God Lugh.  Some were painted, some wore jewelry, feathers, headdresses. And the rites began.  Sean Ciall has three branches, the swords, the songs, and the spells.  The swords duelled with Lugh and His lover helped him find his way to the sacrifice.  I was in tears again and I wasn’t alone.  The songs helped him die.  The swords laid him on the bier and covered him in a black pall all the while the songs and the people singing one lone note. We progressed to the stone circle (yes we are so fortunate to participate in a stone circle, all of them bigger than myself).  The bier was brought in and the spells began their work. The people were led past the bier and we left our own sacrifices there with Lugh. What did I leave? My grief. What was my intent for the coming year? To live in joy. The bier was set alight (the man replaced behind the scenes by a wicker man under the pall) and the smoke and then the flames rose high. 

I danced naked with The Ex under a twilight sky with the flames crackling and the full moon rising.  We met other friends and danced with them. People lept the fire, purification at it’s best. What a beautiful gift.  Our first tradition for our 8 sabbats of the year is that Lughnasadh is done at OLOTEAS.  Not so private.  But we had our moments of privacy, we certainly celebrated. Beltaine was very similiar and might very well be the second of the eight.

I got my wish.  Celebrating the Sabbats with my lover, my partner, under a full moon, the stars, the God/esses, with all the elements in harmony.

Blessed Be.

P.S.  I find no disconnect between my paganality and my relationship with Jeshua, The Christ.  For he teaches that we are ALL the Christ and all that we do is sacred.  There is no separation between these of any kind for it is all One.  We are all One.  And it is all Good and Blessed.  It is all about Love.  Blessed blessed be.