Sometimes you have to stand up for your beliefs, your rights, your spirit.  Sometimes, when you do that, folks get pretty twisted over it.  And Sometimes, things go bump in the day.  They do.  Swear to God/dess.

No, wait.

Sometimes, you have to sacrifice.

I have a couple thumbnail journals for my art that I keep, one smallish and one largish.  The largish one has some drawings in it and the word SACRIFICE written there.  It was from a dream I had had that night.  I don’t know about you but deity does indeed visit me in dreams, recognizable as all get out.  And I  remember every single one of them.  The God tends to show himself to me in the form of the sun or Aragorn.  I know.  What can I say.  I guess I relate to that imagery of King/God.

Underneath the drawings of the God are the words SACRIFICE in really big letters

I’ve been asked to sacrifice a lot of late.  The people whose friendships I sacrificed (yes another one this week) say I’m mean. Or crazy. Or a bitch.  They are offended.  They are blameless.  They are victim.  Sometimes, if feels like  They are Legion.

But you know what? I’ve done a lot of work. I know when I’m being screwed. I know when I’m not being validated.  And I’m learning, finally, to stop bending over so far.  And when to cut the cord.

I’ve been pretty dissatisfied since I took that Arts and Sciences position.  I came to it with stars in my eyes.  I know, what was I thinking?  But I really saw it as a fresh start, that I could be a tenderfoot and promote the arts and have fun.  I got my faced pushed in so unneccessarily over such minor shit, 3 times over 3 months, that I was this close to done.  This last thing pushed me all the way over the edge.

Some friends of mine did something that violated a few of my boundaries.  Big time.  For the sake of not harming the one I did NOT sacrifice I will not go into details. That one? Had the courage to come to me, tell me what happened, and apologized.  And is facing the consequences like an adult. The others, those in denial, chose to turn it around from what they did into how mean I was to call them on it.  Fuck. Grow UP.

So.  After weeks of agonizing, I have dropped all those activities related to this group.  Will I ever go to one of their events again? Sure.  Will I miss seeing some folks more regularly?  Sure.  When I am not so raw will I go hang out once in awhile?  Sure.  Will I trust that things will change in this small community and that doing anything more than just hanging out is a good I idea?  Nope.

I await the response of one last person to my boundary.  I believe it was a totally fair boundary.  But if they don’t agree?  It’s going to break my heart very badly to take care of myself over and above them.  It is hard to accept that we both had an inability to see how mislead we have been in a person. But I hope, I hope, that their blinders will be removed and that they come along.

Tomorrow, all might be well, and I want to be optimistic but it’s always unnerving to give an ultimatum when you know that you actually have to keep it if it is to have any value.

I’m just sick about it.

Edit Oct 5 : All worked out well