Here it is, Tuesday. I feel much lighter by half and that includes my heart. I’m not floating, Maat wouldn’t pass me to heaven, but my heart is indeed lighter. As my friend sanquis_bella would say, YAY!!!!!!

Friend from last week and I had many many talks since I last posted. Many. And every single one of them was productive. I’m going to come clean and say that this was Our First Fight. It wasn’t just a friend, this was The Ex. And it wasn’t so much a fight as clearing up some serious miscommunication. We are not fighters. We’ve been seeing each other heavily and exclusively for over a year now. We are getting ready to celebrate our first Mabon together. And it became patently clear that some of the things that we asked to be removed at the Fires of Lughnasadh were being remove in some ways unexpected. Change was expected, just not in quite that way. Damn, that was one sticky band-aid.

It is a joy to have a life partner who actually says, “Before you go I’d like to make sure we are on the same page regarding                              .” Could have knocked me over. I have NEVER had a partner who not only wanted to talk about things in great detail but who also initiates those conversations. For the purpose of personal growth and relationship strength. Hot Damn. I finally picked a Man, A Real Man. Who likes pink unicorns, glitter, decorating for the holidays. And we were on the same page.

I find myself really wishing I hadn’t been so darned mad last week. It snowballed as each day went on. I had very good reasons for being upset. More information was uncovered. Lots of stuff going on. It was very good on many levels. Silver lining to that cloud.  But really, I wish sometimes I didn’t react so fast.  I am convinced, however, that when I act that fast it is because huge stuff is going on and it needs to come out.  It doesn’t mean the things I’m dealing with aren’t valid, not at all.  I just wish I had paused for 5 more minutes.  I would have asked for the same things.  I would have stated the same ultimatum.   I just would have said it differently.

Why? Because I have words from what AA refers to as The Big Book ringing in my head.

“If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.”

For someone like me, a recovering alcoholic, anger unchecked is a killer. And I felt so very out of control last week. The situation was out of control, I felt powerless. And very worried that we might not survive Our First Fight That Wasn’t Really A Fight But Just A Week Long Discussion. We’re both still exhausted. But we both have a new commitment to what we are doing in this relationship and we agree on what that looks like. You can’t ask for more than that.

Many wonderful things came out of all that talk and the exchange of ideas, feelings, and solutions was worth every bit of energy expended. I don’t know if it was Venus Retrograde for most of the summer or The Fires of Lughnasadh, or just a weird year, but I think we both found ourselves in a place of confusion and apathy during that time but especially the weekend of the 8th when Venus went direct. We no longer knew why we were together. We lost sight. And we stopped doing the nurturing that we were doing earlier. We got complacent and it made us distant from each other. And that felt really crappy.

We have recommitted to this thing we do together. We have recommitted to finding ways to be individuals within the relationship. We love each other deeply and I’m so glad we came out this side this way.

Because of last weeks turmoil, I gave up a volunteer job that I had begun to resent and not enjoy. That has really helped. I’m in the process of trying to simplify at least my calendar. A hectic life is the dubious obligation luxury of normal women but I am not normal. I am not only a recovering alcoholic but I have fibromyalgia. The chronic fatigue over the summer has just pretty much had me on my knees.

The weather is much cooler this week. So cool in fact I wore a light wool coat in to work this morning. My bedroom was cold and I didn’t want to get out from under the warm, snuggly covers for the first time in many months. And my heart rejoiced to walk in the fresh autumn wind.

So. What solutions am I going to bring into my life? I think I need to write this down in affirmative ways.

• I address issues that cause me pain with calm and practice restraint of pen and tongue
• I give myself the gift of time, time to grieve, to heal, to act
• I let go of obligations that no longer fit in my life
• I keep my calendar open and am militant about not taking on new obligations
• I invite joy into my life
• I welcome the Autumn slow down and relish quieter and cooler days that allow me to take care of myself
• I honor my partner with love and patience
• I am a loving woman
• I am a compassionate woman
• I am a worthy woman

So Mote It Be!