I went to the library and got my hands on the new book Ravens of Avalon yesterday and began reading it on the bus this morning. Suddenly my old passion for those times and people came flooding back into me. The time of the battles between Britannia and Rome, the time of the Druids and Boudicca. And suddenly I remembered some designs I did for clothing of that period. I want to make some clothing from this period. Something I can wear to the feast in December because I have most of it already. Just need to embroider a peplos (over dress) really. Here is a drawing that looks very similar to what I have in mind. And then I remembered my unfinished early period shoes. Hmmmm. Many things inspiring me for the weekend. Which makes me happy since this weekend is a weekend that I won’t see my honey. And I’ll need to keep myself occupied. It’s also my first weekend home all weekend in some weeks.

So. I’m reading the beginnings of this book including the lists of characters, places, and deities. Also bubbling around in my head are thoughts of how hard this summer has been for me and the work I have in front of me because of it. And then I look and see The Morrigan. And much clicked in my head. Much.

Two summers ago I rescued a fallen crow from several cats in my backyard. They had not got to him yet because the guardian crows were calling out their warning cries and it made me go look and see what was going on. In the gathering shadows of twilight I made out a deeper shadow near the fence. And then a moving shadow of a cat. I shooed it away and discovered the fallen crow. I ran into the house to get my animal carrier and some gloves and zoomed back outside. To find another cat creeping up from another direction. Shooed that cat away. I gathered up the crow, who did not struggle in any way, and placed it gently in the box on a soft towel. And the guardian crows went silent.

I placed it in my laundry room so that my own indoor cat wouldn’t get curious. I called as many bird sanctuaries I could find and no one answered their phones (it was a Saturday night). I left messages which, surprisingly, were never returned.

The next morning the crow was dead, very dead, in the little box. My one consolation was that it died in peace and not mauled by cats. I gathered up some garnets, some rosemary and lavendar, a soft towel, and placed the bird in the garbage as reverently as I could. This is what our city says to do. I wish I hadn’t but I had no other way to bury the crow. I go out into the backyard and the crows begin cawing suddenly. I tell them that their sibling had passed in the night and that I was very sorry. The crows were silent the rest of the morning.

I don’t know whether or not that tale touches you but it changed me forever. Because I suddenly realized that I had a deep connection with The Morrigan, battle queen and crow goddess. And I realized that there was a side of her that I had not heard of before. That one of the reasons she hangs out after battles was not only to scavenge but to lead the dead and dying to their peace. That Morrigan is the Irish Celtic Hekate, the torchbearer who lights the way of those going to the Underworld, She who I have been devoted to from some time now.  I also realized that I was being called to be a devotee of Morrigan too.  And my battle readiness of late, has risen again.  Edit:  My goodness, her rage in one tale was born from rejection.  Very similar to the first incident this summer.

I don’t believe that there is anything bad about the emotion of anger.  Anger can be a very effective catalyst for needed change.  Initially it can be a very appropriate emotion in response to the actions of others.  But when it stops being effective and moves towards resentment and depression it is no longer working as it should.  In my 12th step group we have a saying. Anger is healthier than depression.  So I am not questioning whether or not I should have been angry.  I was angry.  I did battle.  Now I need to bury the dead and move on.  I also need to understand what it is that keeps me from practicing restraint of pen and tongue.  That is what I really want to look at.  Because if I had done nothing and just let those relationships die I wouldn’t be so sad that they ended in acrimony instead of peace.

That is what struck me this morning. I believe that The Morrigan has been working in my life in a big way, taking me to battle.  And I don’t like battle, the way it makes me feel, familiar as it is. I would much prefer to deal with the aspect of her that quietly and reverently buries the dead and moves on.  I think she is showing up in my life to teach me that battle sucks, it is brutal, nasty, bloody, and no one really wins.  I never got around to adding her to the deities I honor in my daily devotions. She is represented on my altar by a crow bone that she left the fall after the first crow death. I know it is a crow bone because I saw the dead body (the second dead crow in two months and this one I did not discard, I left it where it lay as I knew it would be undisturbed, mostly), let the earth do its thing, and collected the bone later.  She really has been calling me for much longer than that but I wasn’t paying attention.

One of the things I’m doing to deal with all these overwhelming feelings I’ve been groaning under is to write a 4th step, a “fearless and searching moral inventory” of myself. And then do a 5th step, “admitted to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.” Now being a pagan, of course I change this slightly “admitted to Source/Goddess/God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my behavior and actions.” Step six and seven are about accepting that reality and allowing Source/Goddess/God to work in me to remove or change my attitude and outlook and hence actions. It’s possible I might also have 8 and 9, the amends steps.

But I think I also need to begin more actively working with Morrigan in her other aspects, the ones I only know intuitively, instead of just learning how much war sucks.