Talking a lot about something that bothers you, Cynthia, is a pretty good sign that you’ve got something huge, and profoundly liberating, to learn.

You think? I’ve sure had the need to talk my little heart out of late.

I’ve been working on a fearless and searching moral inventory this past week and a half. In that process I have noticed one huge thing. This particular inventory is about my anger and my reaction to things. This is not to say in any way that I shouldn’t get angry. What I am trying to find out in this process is why certain situations upset me so very much. And tools that I can use so that I don’t act until I’ve had some time to cool off. So that when I break off a relationship I do it with care.

And what I’ve found is that every single circumstance where I’vebeen so angry I blew up had to do with feelings of betrayal and rejection. No matter how far I go back and look at this, those are the common denominators. And I’m just not all that surprised. When I look back over my life those feelings resonate and ring true.

I was adopted at birth and one of the stories my mom and dad told me when I was older was that when I was very young there was one book I asked them to read to me quite frequently. They used it as a barometer of where my feelings were at the time. The book went like this:

Your mommy loved you
Your daddy loved you
Your grandma loved you
Your grandpa loved you
Your aunt loved you…….

You get the idea. Very insecure about my place in the world and whether or not I was wanted. As I’ve said, over the summer I have felt betrayed and rejected. It’s no wonder that when I was asked to write my Birth Story I balked. “I don’t have a Birth Story, I don’t know anything about my birth.” Even though I know that many times it is an act of love when a mother gives up a child what I internalized was that I wasn’t wanted by her/them.

Every relationship I’ve had with a man has had this at the core of it. And every friendship it seems too. It is clear that this is a really hot button for me.

Does this mean that I don’t want to be hurt or angry by betrayal or rejection? Of course I don’t want to be hurt. But does it mean that I shouldn’t be angry when maligned?  Not at all. The only point here is to make sure that I feel really good about my own actions in the situation. For instance I wish that I had just let that one friendship die the quiet death it was already in the throes of. No emails or phone calls from me and it would have just gone away. I would have still been hurt but I wouldn’t have had to add to that pain the ugliness of hearing my anger ringing in my ears (or fingers as it were). I made amends almost immediately for my actions but I would prefer not to have to go there.

So. I will be talking with my sponsor at some point in the next week or two and begin finding out if there other issues here. And what actions I can take to heal those feelings. Mostly I want to find restraint of pen and tongue. But I also liked what the Note from the Universe said this morning. LIBERATING. Yes, I like that word. Very much.

Last night in my 12 step meeting I was moved to say this (paraphrased muchly) when I was called on:

And you who seek to know me, know that the seeking and yearning will avail you not,
unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself,
you will never find it without.

And I got some serious goosebumps.  And suddenly some things just clicked into place.  I thought about it all night. I think I have finally internalized this into myself.  I thought I already had.  But…

The love I seek must come from me.