When I went to the treatment center back in 1995 the center made 2 members of the family come for a full weekend of family work with the patient. Because my father had sent so many people to the center through his law practice and because my uncle did too and was a big supporter, I had the unique privilege of having all 4 of my family members come to have a big confrontation fest. Oh Joy. Rapture. Crap.

One of the things that was so very hard for my parents to understand then was why I thought some of their statements were very damaging  to me when I was growing up. And that at 35 they were still saying the exact same things to me. And that they needed to take more care in what they said. Good advice for me too.

The one thing my parents said to me that did the most damage?

    You’re so very smart, brilliant in fact, we can’t figure out why you’re doing so poorly in school.

Yup. Maybe you can’t see the problem with this statement either. It’s a compliment, right? I’m brilliant, right? You want to know what I heard?

    You must be fucking up on purpose and completely lame.

Hmmm.  Before you say I heard it wrong, know this.  That is exactly what they meant.  But they hoped I would hear the first part too, they hoped the first part would cushion the blow.  But studies prove out that we hear what comes after the and or the but or the comma.  I never heard the first part.

She’s so pretty but it’s a shame she eats so much
He’s a got such a good physique he should try harder to make the team

Maybe she likes how she looks. Maybe he hates football. Maybe school sucks. MAYBE I don’t want to be a lawyer.  Truth is, school bored me to tears.  I love history but hated history classes.  I loved algebra but anything higher, yuck.  I read like a fiend but textbooks put me to sleep. The only classes I ever enjoyed were art but it was an art class that finally broke me. I just hated school.  Why? Because I heard that statement from my parents constantly.  Every report card, every bad day.  My teachers would check the box on the report card that said “Does not accept criticism gracefully.” Every frikking quarter.  6-8 times a year for years.  Why the hell should I? It’s only your opinion.  Maybe, at home, I get to hear that I’m a screw up and so criticism hurts a great deal. Maybe I was molded into that behavior.  It’s society’s tool for breaking us when we’re young. 

I was done with school the day my art teacher gave me a C because she said my project wasn’t done. It would make a great lid for a jar but on it’s own, it’s not complete. And I do mean I was done. I dropped out and eventually landed in an alternative school. You know, that place where they send the lazy loser stoners so that they can process them through the system.  Last month I saw something that was practically an exact copy of my piece (maybe the artist found my piece at the local goodwill because that’s where it ended up) at an upscale new age store for $85.

When I went back to school at 40 thinking I was insane to put myself through the process of being judged and found lacking I found out something. If I am taking classes I enjoy, I get perfect grades. Every time.  3.98, President’s list, Dean’s list. What class dropped me to a 3.88 and took me out of summa cum laude?  Copyright law, required for my degree.  I know about bliss. I know about joy.  And I know about the other side of the coin too.  And in my experience, I must feel the one to feel the other. 

The thing that sparked this post was meant in all goodwill. I know the person well and know this.  But boy did it open up a can of worms for me.  Whew.

How many times have YOU called someone on a comment like that and been told:

• I meant it as a compliment  (I’m sure they did)
• I meant to support you (I’m sure that is truetoo)
• You’re being too sensitive  (whatever, talk to my back)

Not all children are the same. There should be many ways of giving criticism and the teachers (and parents) should be better prepared to have a flexible style of imparting the wisdom of their criticism. And those children who grow up with that internalized message?  You suck and it’s your fault?  If we do any work on ourselves in adulthood we start to recognize the problem with that message. We start to see it for what it really is. Someone else’s idea of who and what you should be.

And it appears from the previous post that it is still a sticky wicket for me. In my experience the criticism I’ve recieved has not been constructive. It has been belittling and insulting and even as a child I knew it. And now I find myself wondering

Take it easy. Follow your bliss. If it isn’t fun don’t do it.

God that last one.  No shit?  How do you know it isn’t fun until you’ve tried it and processed the experience?  I hate it when I write or talk about a very challenging growth experience and how I’ve come through to the other side, found joy, threw away pain, and I get “If it isn’t fun don’t do it.”  Are you fucking kidding me?  That’s all you have to say to me?  Isn’t it obvious I know that?  I’ve probably put another dinger into someone today and for that I’m truly sorry. But this is another hot button for me.  And I found a lot of this shit in the SCA.  In the guise of benevolence.  But you know, we can tell the difference.  Judged and found lacking. 

I’d rather hear.  “Great work,” “I totally support you in this,” “Well done.”  Or nothing at all.

Is it just me?