I have been having such a difficult time reconnecting with the SCA that I wasn’t entirely looking forward to going to a feast this weekend. And I’ve decided to write about the part I’ve kept silent on after all. I’ve tried to process this on my own but the truth is, I process really well when I can write in my journal. I’ve respected my partner’s pride by not doing so. Two weekends ago he assured me that this is my journal and if I need to write it here, then write I must, his pride is not more important. I find perspective when I write things out.  One of the things I’ve learned about myself is that I must not feel invisible.  And this situation left me feeling more invisible than ever for awhile.

Back in September my sweetie, The Beloved, went to an SCA event without me. Totally fine, I was already having major struggles with the group and I think I had a lot on my plate. Have a great time. Two weeks before he asked me how I felt if he shared our tent with two women that he is friends with, one of whom I knew he had a crush on. I said that I was very uncomfortable but if they truly had no other options, that as long as the zip in wall was up, sharing the tent was okay with me.  My joy when told they had found their own tent was great.  Edit: We talked about his crush, about my ex’s cheating, my discomfort.  This was clear from the beginning. Or so I thought.

He came home on Sunday evening to inform me, sheepishly, that not only had they shared a tent, but he had shared the bed with the woman who was the object of said crush. The other woman slept in the other bed. OMG. I was so upset. Very Upset. Why and how on earth did this happen? Evidently the two women came to his tent after they had gone their separate ways and prevailed upon him for assistance. “Lovell, we’re COLD. We didn’t bring enough blankets, come keep us warm.” Grrrrr. He can not resist attempting to aid anyone in distress. It is his nature. And he wanted to have a giggly slumber party. (edit: I was told a week later that it wasn’t that cold, that it was a lark)

I let him have it, we talked about it ad infinitum. I gave my reasons for my distress, which I felt was far worse than the distress of two women who could have requested blankets instead of bodies. If she is so innocent why does she still refuse to tell her husband? Edit: Why did you all do that knowing I was against it before you left town? To top it off, I am psychic and have visions.  I could see it.  I knew the color of the tent.  Why on earth did you sleep between them in the same bed nextto The Crush and not on the single bed while she and the other shared the double?  WTF???

My reasons

There is only one thing as intimate to me as sexual relations with My Beloved. And that is the time we spend in bed before and after sleep. Those looks, that sleepy otherworldness, I expect to be reserved for me. Not for any one else, and certainly not for the object of a crush. And I was really uncomfortable with him having memories of seeing her face upon awakening. REALLY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. Oh. That was my out loud voice. I still hate it but he has proven his fidelity and I am moving on as best I can.

I wrote the two women a heated email when it happened (hence my discussions about restraint of pen and tongue). I asked if the Crush’s husband knew of this escapade. I let them know that I felt that they had abused My Beloved’s good will. And mine.  (I was informed by them that it wasn’t any of my business since they were innocent)  These people are in their 30’s and 40’s.  7 years old is innocent, 30+ should know better.  And that next time, sleep in the cold. Beotches. They felt it was uncalled for and that they had done nothing wrong. To this day not only have they refused to discuss this issue with me but when I tried to offer the olive branch, one blew up at me in public and the other ignored me completely. Their only response in the beginning had been to let me know that they expected me to keep this matter private and that it did not belong in the SCA. Whatever.  *cough* Dream on jackasses *cough*

And you know what, with 2 exceptions, I actually respected that. I told Countess_E because it was the last straw that made me leave my new job. I felt she deserved to know why I was leaving her in the lurch. I felt terrible but I just knew that at the time I could not stand to be around these people.

Suffice it to say that M.B. and I, well, our relationship took a big hit. We were already struggling with my grief over the loss of a best friend. And this? Boy, a punch in the gut. But in the end it has ended up strengthening our relationship. We have had many long emotional discussions. Much air has been cleared, boundaries set, histories revealed, and agreements made.  But he has refused to give up either friendship and I know that if I push it I will lose him too.  Because I know this will never happen again, he no longer has a crush on a person who has not behaved well in this matter, I have decided that I want him more than I want him to never speak to them.

But this part of me has had trouble getting over it. When The Beloved befriended a new female friend, I was just beside myself. We hadn’t resolved this first issue and here was another woman. You need to know that The Beloved is not your so called “typical” man. He would never have physical sex with another. He’s a puppy dog, not a big dog.  But I don’t consider physical sex to be the only way to be untrue to a partner or lover. Long phone calls until 1 in the morning, seeing her twice a week. And Me? I live 30 miles away, we only see each other on the weekend. And right before the camping event he he said he needed more “me” time. I felt my relationship slipping from my grasp.

This weekend several things happened. I had to face the two Dead Women (dead to me) and I got to meet the new friend. New friend is shy but pleasant and I approve. The Dead Women? Who knows. They came close on a couple occassions and I did all I could to ignore them expect when to do so would have been socially and publically rude. One of them I still want to slap. The other I wish would come out of her denial and that we could find some way to repair this.

My Beloved and I are very different in some ways. We communicate differently, M.B. tends to take things literally and doesn’t do well at extrapolating boundaries. I tend tofeel threatened by other women because  my ex husband cheated on me, sometimes, right in front of me. M.B. sometimes lives in a fantasy that all people are smart and good and never screw up. Why? Because that is true of him.  I have baggage and so does M.B. We are trying very hard to make sure that we take care of this relationship. The fact that he is so willing to talk talk talk talk and cry if necessary is something I am so very grateful for. It’s a new thing for me, a partner who will talk and listen, learn and change. And I do my best to do those things too.

The brightest  side was that M.B. was recognized for the work he has done on behalf of his chapter/Shire. He received an Award of Arms, the first level of a kingdom award in the SCA. Good for him. He deserves it. We ate, we snuggled, he was sensitive to the fact that it was difficult for me at first.

And that night after we got home to his place? He showed why I really love M.B. I knew he had been scouring the stores for a certain present for me. And he insisted on giving it to me Saturday night. It is a lovely concrete statue for my garden. For the patio where Orlando spent so much of his time. It is about 18″ high and is a lean Buddha statue with a cat face and paws. Made me cry. He has been so incredibly sensitive to my feelings over the loss of a pet I never got to touch. Not once.

Countess E has been especially understanding of the diffi

culties I have faced in the last 4-6 months and I’m very grateful. Her quiet friendship has meant a lot to me. Really.

So where are we now? I continue to do all I can to heal. I found some inspiration costume wise at the event and after the holidays might find myself working on some kit after all. There are other people there whose company I truly enjoy. And they seem to enjoy mine too. We did have a good time. And we are strengthening our relationship. One Day At A Time.