From Spiritual Cowgirl

“be certain of your uncertainties”

So how bout you? If any of this slightly allusive post resonates with you, try writing down a list of what you’re certain of – in life, in spirit, in self. Then meditate a bit on your certainties, see how your body feels when you read them? See if you can sense how you might hold on to them? Out of protection, out of some subtle fear, or because you like to know you’ve got something? Or do you hold your certainties lightly, like fine red warm sand gently pouring through your hands from somewhere else, lightly touching your skin, warming your palms, always in motion, not sticking or clinging to any part of you? There are of course, a variety of possible ways to experience our uncertain certainty. There is no right or wrong of course, it’s just important to start noticing, to keep checking your inner luggage.

Boy does this make my head spin. There was a time when I was very certain. About everything. I was always right. I knew that my opinions were fact. I knew who was a jerk, who was great, I knew stuff I didn’t know. God I talked out my ass a lot. But I had to get sober before I could hear it reverberate in my head in a way that made me cringe.

Somewhere in sobriety that certainty started to change. A lot. I got humbled a great deal in the beginning and once in a while it still happens. My favorite quote was from Christopher Walken. When asked by James Lipton on Inside the Actor’s Studio, what he would like God to say (if God exists) when C.W. arrives at the pearly gates. C.W. replied immediately, “you were right.” Yeah baby. Relate to that a lot. And was finally to the point where I could laugh about it.

I am certain

• that all things die and are reborn
• that “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. .”
• that the sun will rise in the east
• that when my car says empty it means it
• that I will make mistakes and for the most part, learn from them
• that sooner or later I’m probably going to say something I regret
• that I am a good person, that I love others, that I do good things, and that good people like me can do dumb things but it doesn’t change that we are good, it just shows our humanity
• that if I can forgive others, I am forgiven
• that love and gratitude are the keys to happiness
• Oh! and if I drink I’m likely to never make it back

I think I’m uncertain of just about everything else.  And that? Actually makes me happy.