Jean’s cancer biospy confirmed that it is indeed lung cancer. We are waiting to hear if it has spread to the spine and/or the brain.  They are hoping to be able to take him home on Saturday.  My sister in law is doing the best she can but this is incredibly hard for her and her father.  Such shock.  Of course we are all shocked but they have taken the hit the hardest.

I never knew that taking care of a 5 year old boy who is under this much stress would nearly kill us all.  *sigh*

And the rest of it?  With The Beloved?  Got much more interesting before things quieted down.

I need to write this down to get it out of my head.  It really is very long.  I’m not proud of everything in it.  I’m hurt deeply by all of it.  You do not need to read this or comment on it.  I simply need to write this down.  Perhaps TB will print it off and give it to the other person involved. She needs to understand her own culpability.  He needs to see his part very very clearly.

I’ve said recently that TB gets along best with women, not guys.  If you knew him this would be obvious.  And it’s totally cool.  It’s also no surprise that he’s attracted to strong A type women.  What shouldn’t be obvious but in his case, it is fact, the strong A-type women he befriends all have a really questionable history and lack of boundaries with men who are not available.  Most of them have had recent affairs with married men or men in serious long term relationships.  I have insisted on getting to know them for my own comfort.  And only one has ever made me want to kick her ass to the curb and out of our lives.  And it is the most current one.

TB told me one day that he had met this cool woman, Skanky Nasty Interferring Bitch (SNIB).  It was while I was still dealing with the whole deal from AutumnWar and the tent episode.  I was still wounded and fragile in general from a long summer of hard hits.  I thought, okay, cool.  If she is really cool, pagan and SCA, then perhaps she might be a friend for me too.  Would love to meet her, sounds fun.  I could use a new woman friend myself.

Within days TB complained to me that he wasn’t getting any sleep, especially last night he said because he was on the phone with SNIB until 1AM.  This made me incredibly uneasy but I understand how one can get carried away jabbering on the phone with a new friend.  He assurred me that she didn’t want to cause any trouble between TB and myself because she kept asking “are you sure she won’t mind?”  He assurred her hat I would not mind but he didn’t know that because he had not asked me.  He didn’t want to tell me about the phone call but knew he should.  And I did indeed mind.  I immediately knew that I had to meet this woman in person in order to check her out.  I let him know that his discomfort at telling me about the phone call also made me leary.  They both protested too much.

She also told him that she has just been thrown out of a relationship with a married man, because his primary woman did not approve of her or her relationship with this married man, although in the begining, primary woman had been willing to try.  The couple was poly but in the end the woman kicked SNIB to the curb.  CLANG CLANG CLANG.  I told TB this made me incredibly leary, that she has a known history now of not behaving properly with men.

After 2 weeks it was clear that she had no boundaries, not really.  She was calling him almost every day and asking him out 2-3 times a week. She began giving him presents. He was participatingin this but complaining to me that he wasn’t getting enough “me” time.  He told me that she was pushing him way too hard too soon for his time.  He barely knew her. I agreed completely.  Way too much way too soon and she had better get my approval and back off until then. He was feeling uncomfortable with it and that made me even more uncomfortable.  If the boundaries are bugging him, they are definitely going to bug me.  You can imagine that my alarm red lights started whirling and the bell softly clanging.

Then TB told me that he needed not to see me as often or talk as often on the phone.  Fine, you need “me” time?  You can have it.  But don’t think it’s okay with me that I see you less and talk to you less because you are seeing her more and talking to her more. Don’t think it’s okay that you see her and talk to her more than you do your girlfriend.  You are really giving her the wrong message by doing that.  Giving her permission to come between us.  Compliance is consent.  CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG  If you want me to be comfortable with this friendship, I must meet her.  NOW.  I do not trust her and you are very blind when it comes to new friends because you had so few for so long and are so eager to change that you don’t pay attention to warning signs.   Your discernment is not focussed my love, I must meet her.

This did not happen.  He began telling her that their friendship was upsetting me and that was upsetting him.  That he was conflicted.  That I was not happy about their friendship.  Shared our personal business with a person who is a stranger to me and that pissed me off even more.  Especially one who was not respecting me in any way.  More permission on his part to not befriend me.  Finally I said, Look.  You are not earning my trust here.  I have let you know how uncomfortable I feel.  Until I meet SNIB in two weeks at the feast, I would appreciate it if you would not meet her in person.  You should have made explicit arrangements for me to meet her, gone out of your way to do so, not wait until it just happens by kismet.  You did not and she certainly has never made any attempt to meet me.  He went out to lunch with her two hours later.  Told her that I didn’t want them seeing each other until I met her. She said she was sorry to hear that.  Neither one of them respected my wishes.  They continued their relationship as if I had said nothing.

ARGHHHHHHHHHH!  I’m flexing between sadness and fury pretty frequently now.

The feast arrived and I did indeed meet her.  I did all I could to make her feel welcome.  I spent that time trying to involve her in conversation.  Asked her questions about herself.  She responded as minimally as possible.  Gave me nothin.  TB tells me she is shy.  But she is not shy. She shut me down, ignored me to my face whenever she could.  She made it clear she had no interest in getting to know me or making me comfortable.  If I didn’t address her directly with a question, she said not one word to me.  But she did engage TB in conversation and made it clear she was talking only to him.  CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG

Two days later she sent an inquiry to our sca email list.  I responded because I actually had

an answer for her.  She was very formal with me.  I wrote her back telling her that she could address me informally, that I hoped to get to know her better because MB thinks so highly of her.  That I was glad I got to meet her.  She never responded.  Ignored my email completely. CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG

Then MB informs me that he wants time to find himself and can we really back off on our relationship so he can move around independently a bit.  But he wants to date me.  Fine.  (sob) We have a date for Christmas Eve and Day and New Years Eve and Day and an event at the end of January, Ursulmas.  Sure.  Fine. Whatever you need. *quietdesperationsobbinginthebackground*

Last Saturday was the phone call informing me that our New Year’s Date was off. He had an epiphany. No phone calls, no visits for 2 weeks.  I sadly requested that he not abandon me right now because the family situation was getting out of hand and that I really needed some support.  He felt that he could not delay this decision and lose his momentum, so no, he would not put it off to help me.  Talk to you in 2 weeks.  I knew he would need longer.

On Sunday I was desperate.  We knew Jean had cancer, that things were as bad as they could be.  I called TB.  I told him about Jean.  I said that I was falling apart and that I was sorry to break his request for no phone calls but that I really needed some support.  He said he was sorry to hear about Jean and that he knew I would get through it just fine because I am the strongest person he knows.  That was it.  End of phone call.  Thanks. Thanks a lot.  I found that really supportive and help. NOT.  But he did send me a virtual rose on IM.  *sigh*

On Monday, New Year’s Eve, I went to my meeting but that stomach ailment (which I am certain is at least related to nerves) came back and I had to go home immediately instead of to the party I had planned to attend. I was sick, I was lonely, I was sad, I needed help.  And again I called MB.  He was not home so I  tried his cell phone.  He was at SNIB’s.  She had lost her dog that morning and he wanted to support her as she was sad.

My words?  “How wonderfully kind of you to support a friend in need and to come to her aid when she needed you.”  Silence. My next words?   “I will never forgive you for this.”  Hung up.

Discovered later that he turned his phone off.  He was pissed at me for not respecting his boundaries.  Man.  That takes the cake.  So I left some very angry messages on his voice mail.  At midnight I packed up everything he had ever given me (at least I thought I did) and drove it to his house.  Left it inside, took some of my belongings, said goodbye to Mr. Timmons, and left the key under the door.

Discovered I had not given everything back.  Packed THAT stuff up and drove it down again.  30 miles each way mind you.  Distraught and out of my mind.  CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG   I waited until 2 am.  He never came home.  I left.  Tossed and turned all night.  And sobbed.  And discovered the next morning that I had scratched my arms so severely that I have broken skin and drawn blood. And that I broken my favorite ring.  On my head.  OMG.  I was officially, totally insane.  Capable of any kind of harm.  Very scary place to find yourself let me tell you.  So frustrated with no outlet.

I couldn’t sleep and at 8 am I drove to his house again.  Just to make sure I was not making assumptions but basing accusations on fact.  I was right.  The stuff was still on his doorstep and his car still gone.  He did indeed spend the night at her house.

I got her phone number from a mutual friend and called her house.  Very polite I was too.  “Hi SNIB.  This is Cynthia.  If The Ex is there may I speak with him?”  “He’s busy doing something right now.”  “Is he busy because he doesn’t want to talk to me or because you don’t want me to talk to him?”  “It’s my phone I can do what I want.”  “Indeed that is true, you can.”  I hang up.

And my rage, my hurt, my feelings of invisibility and betrayal, that I have been containing more than you know for over 2 months boiled over.  Saturn in Capricorn.  Do NOT come between me and my man.  Do NOT cross me in any way.  SNIB had been crossing me from day one.  I called her back and left a message  explaining that she has been doing her best to come betwen me and TB and that she is a skanky nasty bitch.  I left a second message on her phone expressly for The Ex informing him that if he did not return my call in 2 hours I was going to go public on the local email list and tell the world that he slept in Other SNIB’s bed and that I would drag SNIBs name though the mud as a whore and that the women in the group better watch their men.

I was in my car for the 4th time to return more stuff (I still have stuff at my house, I simply hadn’t realized how much he really has given me)  when my phone rang.  I  told him we were through.  Why he asks. Why are you mad at me? Really want to know? Better get to your house immediately because I’m 5 minutes from there.  You have 30 minutes.

We met for an hour.  It began very badly.  First I made him delete all of my voicemails without listening to them.  We were both shaking.  I didn’t want him to hear my pitiful sadness and horrible fury but I also didn’t want him to have anything physical of mine like my hair or my voice or my photo or my art.  Nothing that could be used to hurt me magically.  So I ranted around for awhile (how embarrassing but it had to get out), finally got enough out to calm down and resort to the most embarrassing tears and confusion.  WHY?  Why have you dishonored me in this way?  What have I ever done to deserve this treatment from you or SNIB??  Now at least she has a reason to hate me that is from me, not you.  Skanky Nasty Bitch.  (which of course she made sure he heard because he? returned to her home and her friends after we finished our meeting)  He did spend the night but so did 5-7 of her friends. They had a midnight ritual and slept over.  That’s a relief.  Sort of.

I listened to his side and told him that he obviously has a lot of soul searching to do.  That he has some growing up to do.  He finally realized how his complaining about his confusion about whether to be in relationship at all translated to SNIB as confusion over whether he should be in a relationship with ME at all.  Which was not the case.  He saw how his careless behavior with a relative stranger had done some serious damage to me and to our relationship.  And that they both had treated me with no respect at all.  She was in no way concerened about my feelings about their friendship.  Never had been. Skanky Nasty Bitch.  And Mr. Not Very Quick on Making the Connection Between Your Actions and the Consequences DUH.

He was pissed off at me for breaking the  two week silence when I called for support.   I asked how he could judge me so harshly, didn’t he know that I wouldn’t have done that if the situation hadn’t been desperate?  Why didn’t I ask him to come over?  Because you told me you didn’t want to see me!  I needed you to offer.  Fer Cryin Out Loud!!! How dense can you possibly be???!!!!!!  Fuck!

Oooooooh.

We finally agreed that we were both too hot, too sad, too confuse

d, too tired, too angry, too damaged and that there was no way 2 weeks would fix this.  I suggested we take a month off.  Before Ursulmas, if he only wanted to be my friend and never anything else tell me then.  I would take my time to grieve and determine if I wanted to be HIS friend.  OR  He could call me and tell me that he does still see possibility for us but we both want to progress VERY slowly but lets go to Ursulmas and see what that feels like.  Agreed.  He saw hope but I didn’t, not really.

I spent the next 24 hours getting very focussed on my own power, my own path, and what actions I could take.  I decided on the following:

•     I seriously need to restock my magical cupboard.
•     I seriously need to ground, center, and balance MYSELF, TB’s health bout last year has twisted our relationship and we both need to redefine how we relate to each other
•     I need to banish SNIB from speaking or doing ill to me.  Not a binding, a banishing.  A serious fucking banishing that includes a dark moon in Capricorn.  Me and my Saturn in Capricorn on a Dark Capricorn moon.  Fuck with me you will feel the Iron Fist.  Between the Eyes.  Never, ever get between me and my partner.  EVER.  Even if you’re doing it because you want to save him.  Your good motives mean nothing to me.
•     I need to begin a spiritual regime with a 30 day working for myself and my own healing.  And bit of a working for TB’s healing as well
•     I might be leaving him, he might be leaving me but the cards say different things.
•     Mercury goes retrograde the day of  Ursulmas event  OMG, we always react to heavy planetary movement, this is not a good omen, I must change the time frame and once again break the recess.  (that conversation went very well)
•     2008 astrologically is going to motivate a lot of people to search for themselves, to find their center, to ground, to find balance, he is not alone in this, it is global

Last night as I was babysitting my very active, very hyper, very frustrated, very sad and confused acting out 5 year old nephew a thought jumped into my mind that made my blood literally run cold.  Head to toe I could feel the blood in my veins run cold.  And my heart started pounding like a big fast dog.  And I knew that on Day 1 I would have to break the agreement.  Again.  He had agreed to assume that if I broke the agreement it was for good reason.  So after my babysitting stint was over, I called him.  Blood cold, fear owning me.

I apologized and explained that I had a question that I needed answered so that I could make an informed decision.  My question(s)?

Did your decision to take time off from the relationship have anything to do with my differences with the three women?  Is that what is splitting us up? And if we try to get back together is it going to be a barrier?  Because I don’t think I can make amends with SNIB any time soon.

The answer?

No, that was not it.

He loves me. I love him.  No matter what we always have a heart connection.  We’ve had one for thousands of years if you think time matters.  We do want to be friends.  But trying to make a decision about our relationship when Mercury is going retrograde is a mistake.  I don’t think 24 days is enough time for either of us. He understands the he has to take responsibility for what he says and who he says it to.  That when I ask for help, it’s because I really need it.  When he came to meet me on Tuesday SNIB tried to come with him to save him from me.  He made it clear that he wanted to meet with me alone.  But that is not enough in my opinion to draw a clear boundary with SNIB about her interferring with our relationship and her need to look at her culpability and to make amends for her part in this mess.  So, MB, if you are reading this, that was not enough for me.  You need to say in very clear words that our relationship is off limits, she is no longer privy to it nor is she to come between us in any way.  We need to deal with this matter ourselves, together, and she is not welcome.  Do not assume she knows this simply because you met me alone.  She needs very clear boundaries drawn.

I proposed the following 2 options:

1.  We take a serious break and I won’t see or call him until after Mercury goes direct on February 18th.  He can call me any time.
2.  We take a mostly serious break until after Mercury goes direct but we go to Ursulmas as friends only to see what that feels like.

He is thinking about the two options and will let me know.  He is worried that seeing him with these three women who he refuses to give up as friends will upset me.  I told him I’m a big girl and I’ve got friends to see there too.  That there should be enough time in the day or us to spend time alone and apart.  Jillwheezul, if you got this far, are you going too?  I really want to get to know you better.

So.  I actually feel better and so does he.  Our last three conversations have been very productive, very amiable even.  God, we even laughed a little bit.

I have 40 more minutes at work.  On Tuesday I did a quickie cleansing of my house of the sad and angry energies that have been cycling around, especially in the bedroom.  Today and tomorrow I clean that heck out of the place.  Magical water, magical soap, magical intent.  I am making a some special powders. One to make me open to love, any love.  One to bring healing to myself and MB no matter how that looks.  One to banish SNIB if she ever comes into my personal space.  I might never have to use that last one but if I go to Ursulmas I want to be protected in every way I can think.

Magic abounds, change awaits.  And crap All of this writing and I forgot to post about my tarot reading.  Will do that when I’m back to a computer next week.  It was very powerful, so powerful that I included that information in my call to MB.

There is hope.