I believe that what I wrote you was my higher self’s truth.  I’m not saying I’ve healed entirely, I’m human and I do still have feelings.  But I am really getting better by the day and Goddess knows I’m working my ass off to do it.  

I’m sorry that isn’t happening for you.  Yet.  It will.  You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to feel better. You deserve your own love and the love of anyone who comes into contact with you.  If there is anything you need from me to help you heal, if I can give it to you, I want to, no strings.  I know that I owe you amends, not just words, for what has happened. I am truly so very sorry how things happened.  Really truly.  I’m so very sorry I hurt you.  I’m so very sorry I hurt myself.  I got to a very ugly place and I kept it all to myself except what I shared with you over the months. Neither of us was truly honest.  Neither of us.  I clung too tightly. 
I do believe that you weren’t ready to leave either because otherwise you would have simply done so.  I think you had to really demand your freedom.  I hope one day that you will see how your anger has been your ally and the catalyst.  Because the moment we were both ready? It happened. And we were both angry.  I have every right to be angry as you do.  And I choose not to embrace that any more.  Done with that too.

I hope you can one day admit that you played a large part in how this went down, this isn’t just about me being bad you know.  You are as responsible for what happens in your life as I am in mine.  We both could have handled this very differently. We both owe amends. This is the beginning of my doing this for you.  I am proud of you for finally getting mad enough to be honest about it. To spit it out at me.  It will free both of us.

You go ahead and be as mad at me as you need to be as long as you need to be.  I *have* made some assumptions.  I admit that. I knew that I could not find peace with those assumptions. I knew that I needed the truth from you.  And you gave it to me on Sunday.  The only way to peace is to forgive everyone, that is the assignment, that is the path.  As soon as I can I’m going to forgive Annette too.  And Emma.  Because I’m sick and tired of feeling shitty.  I want to live in peace. 

I’m not saying I have the whole truth(s). I know for a fact I don’t.  I’ve decided to love you and your own higher self without truth, without anything from you. No truths, no lies. To forgive you for any harm, to forgive myself for any harm.  To extend a branch of peace. I hope that when you are ready, you will read this again and see if it feels different.  See if your own point of reference has shifted.  If you throw it away, it lives in my journal for you to find any time.   For the whole world to see that I do love you, that you are not a shit although you did do some shitty things.  I really think that while you are angry at me, you are probably also angry with yourself, for various things.  Mostly for failing to stand this strongly sooner.  For manifesting hate and directing it towards the woman you know you loved.  I really do applaud your current burst for freedom.  You are doing a really good job.  Standing very strong.  Being true to yourself for finally admitting to me that you are so angry you don’t want to have anything to do with me.  That you aren’t ready to forgive me. 

But that isn’t who you are at your core.  You are a loving, giving, and forgiving person. If you can forgive Bobbie, you can forgive me too.  And I will do something she hasn’t been able to do.  Forgive you back. Love you back. And really truly offer a real friendship.  One with no strings, no barbs, no chains, no judgment.

*I* am the wonderful woman you fell in love with. The woman writing this letter is not the sad woman of recent past.  I got buried under some INCREDIBLE shit. Some of it we had no control over, some we did.  But I’m not buried any more.  I AM the wonderful woman you fell in love with.  I am not Cynthia the Victim,  Merouda the Victim.  She was so very sad, so very lonely, so very pathetic.  I am Cynthia the True. Merouda  the True.  And I give thanks for all you have given me.  And I love you. Just as you are. 

I want to honor what was really, really good about us. That was good, that was true, that was beautiful, and that was capable of forgiveness. To let you know that when you are ready, I can love you just as you are, for who you are.   To love you like Judith loves you or like Jackie loves you.  To really offer you true friendship, real true love, unconditional love.  I hope one day you can do the same for me.  And for yourself. 

Something switched in me when you got honest about the “Screw you” thoughts. I can’t believe how different I feel.  I found that so incredibly helpful.  I wasn’t being facetious the other day.  I really meant that.  To know that what I was picking up from you was real, finally, a real, powerful, non-victim emotion, and that I wasn’t crazy helped so much.  I knew you were saying screw you in your head. I knew it because you emanated that thought, your actions made it totally clear.  You’re not as opaque as you might think, especially not to someone like me.  But I needed you to say it in order to get better.  I feel that I really do understand where you were coming from given this information that you have given me. To have you tell me the worst of your feelings about me and the situation has to be freeing for you too.  Isn’t it?

I do love you.  Just as you are. Mad, sad, loving, mean, goofy, young, old, all of you.  Screw You was mean, you know that.  It might be why you aren’t feeling better yet.  It isn’t who you thought you were, you don’t recognize that Patrick, it isn’t what you want to emanate or manifest.  Accept your behavior for what it was and use that information to give you healing.  Because you are right.  It isn’t the true Patrick. it was the fearful Patrick. It was the defiant Patrick. It was the bursting into his own self Patrick. I know who Patrick the True is and so do you. He’s right there.

I do want all the things I said I want for you.  I want to move on and find the next love that is awaiting my readiness. I don’tthink it is you but I don’t know much about the future. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you dearly with all my heart.  I want to live in love.  I want to forgive.  I want to heal. 

Remember when you first told me you loved me and we talked about love and its different facets?  This is one of those facets.  I do love you.  In fact, I think I can love you better now than I could then.  Because now?  I

don’t go into fear about your response to my love.  I just love you. Your anger, your pain, your sorrow, doesn’t change the fact that I love you.

I knew that the universe was/is just sitting there waiting for me to stop paddling up stream against a bunch of big boulders.  I knew that as soon as I truly wanted healing I was going to get it. The oars were dropped and I felt better immediately.  “We quit fighting everyone and everything.”  I have surrendered. That is what is happening.  I’ve been doing a lot of work believe it or not.  And some of it has been to bring you healing too.  I think that if you decide you want to heal and grow and fly and change it will happen the moment you put down the oars, throw your arms out to your sides, and welcome that feeling of open hearted crucification that Jeshua teaches.  Healing can be yours right now.  Tears help, ranting and raging helps, journaling helps, long hot bathes help.  I can see you laying on your bed or your floor or somewhere safe outside, no clothes, your arms thrown out, tears running down your cheeks, and your heart splitting wide open in forgiveness and love and freedom and release of pain.

I choose that for myself.  I hope you choose that too.

Love and hugs and blessings,
Mwoi