Cynthia, a goal or a dream that doesn’t challenge the dreamer to become more than they’ve ever been, to go where they’ve never gone, or to feel things they’ve never felt, is actually like wishing for a giant “life snooze button.” Wanting abundance without an exchange of services, or love without loving, Cynthia, is a little bit like wanting an aquarium without fish, a leash without a dog, a frame without a picture…
This? This is real magic. No spells, no candles, no this, no that. A favorite quote of mine from the movie Almost Famous.
The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.
And I’ve been clear for a very long time that I came into this lifetime with the sole intent of feeling every feeling I could, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And the utterly sublime. To experience what it felt like to be more than spirit, to reside in a body that moves. And Igot exactly what I asked for. I have, in this life, lived a life full of variety, love and pain, anger and joy. I have experimented all over the place. And I have discovered that while I truly dig love, my favorite, absolute favorite thing in the whole world is using that love to make an amends, to clean up my own side of the street, to get out of my own self and do what I can to help someone else heal. Even if they hurt me.
And that is what is happening right now. Because something a friend said the other day in a comment was that it takes two to tango. Indeed that is wise and couldn’t be more true.
I became suspicious because I knew that he wasn’t telling me what was going on with him. I felt his distance, his bid for personal independence. This wasn’t something I ever took from him but something he was learning to give himself. And like all learning processes, things can get very bumpy, bruised, and just plain weird.
Our discussions became more and more bizarre, less and less communicative on his part and more frantic on my part. Until we just couldn’t take the pressure any more.
In The Ex’s rage at me (finally, a true, assertive, outwardly directed, emotion) he was able to get clear about what was going on with him and actually get honest with me about it. I was grateful that he told me about “screw you.” Truly. Because the truth? Shall really set you free. I believe that with all my heart. And I believe that his finally being able to say that to me was a huge step in his bid for personal growth. And I applaud that wholeheartedly. Even if it means I don’t get what I want.
We were on the phone for well over 2 hours last night. We covered a lot of territory. Not one bit of anger from either of us. With a total acknowledgment that the conversation had one goal. To find peace and healing and to live with love for each other.
So. Where do things stand this morning? We both accept and say that we love each other dearly. We both accept that right now he is just not ready to be in any intimate love relationship, that he absolutely must find out who he is. Alone. And that I need to get my own center back as well. That we truly want to be very good friends. And that neither one of us knows what the future holds. Which means that if we ever did find ourselves both wanting to be together as a couple again that our minds would remain open to the idea. But that is not the motive or intent for our friendship today. That is not on the list at this time. Friends is a really good thing.
We both felt so much better. And I’m very glad. Of course I miss certain aspects of our relationship. Very much. But I’m no longer angry and hurt. All the work I’ve done these past weeks for healing, for me and for him, has been very effective. I found myself last night unable to fall asleep because I couldn’t stop this thought in my head.
Thank you Goddess, thank you thank you thank you. Thankyou God, thank you thank you thank you. Thank you Hekate, thank you. I am so very, very grateful.
The Ex is meeting me on Saturday to bring the stuff of mine that he has. I have let him know that if he wants to, I would welcome a list or some feedback from him on anything I have left to do to clear my side of the street. I want to make amends for my stuff and how I hurt him. He is thinking about it. But one thing he did say. Some of my posts and the comments to some of my posts hurt him quite a bit. I have disabled comments on those posts. I am disabling comments on THIS post.
He was stunned that I would be willing to do that for him. I don’t know that I wish to change what I wrote because I understand, and I hope he does too, that I was writing in my journal about my loss. I had to process the anger, the hurt, the sad somewhere. It doesn’t make all of my assumptions true in any way. Anyone with experience in these matters knows that I was a wounded she bear and was roaring, even at those who love me. Some of what I said was true. All of my feelings were true. Some of the other stuff was very true too. But there were some things that were assumptions on my part. I don’t care what the truth is any more. My friends I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support. I needed it so very badly. Needed to know that intelligent, loving, friends had my back no matter what. I am so grateful for you.
The war is over. Everyone lost and everyone won. Please do not judge The Ex or me. We both did the best we could with what we had at the time.
Stitch Witch Cottage 