I have heard it said, and I agree, that it is a walk of a thousand miles for a concept to travel from the head to the heart. And a blind spot that I had was suddenly in the light yesterday evening on my way home.

I have always believed that The Ex was a good communicator. When we first met, he told me all kinds of stuff about himself. Stuff that isn’t easy to tell folks in general, but at least with me, he felt he could. We laughed, cryed, talked… And he had been in counseling for four years finding himself. This is where I got the message from him that he HAD found himself. Evidently not as much as he hoped. I decided that he was a communicator and held that belief. Until yesterday.

Every time I have a thought about trying to get clarity from him my blood runs cold. That is fear. Unadulterated fear. I thought it was because I knew he would not want to talk to me. For now. Not until HE’S ready. It’s always all about him and his needs. No one else gets to have needs or boundaries. He’s very like the other friend I lost this year in retrospect, but I digress…

I was doing some thinking about why I was feeling so bad yesterday. I started thinking that one of the things he hadn’t told me was why he needed to not see or talk with me for an unspecified amount of time. This hurt because there could be many reasons why he would feel like that. My mind assumes that he doesn’t want contact with me because he hates me. But he has never said so. So perhaps he doesn’t want contact with me because he loves me and it hurts too much. Why won’t he just say so, so that I don’t have this pain of thinking he judges me and hates me? But then why wouldn’t he tell me all kinds of things over the past 4 months?

BAM it hits me. He doesn’t say those things because he is NOT a good communicator. He has said many times that he can’t think quick enough in a conversation and always needs lots of time after wards to collect his thoughts.

OMG. He is not a good communicator. Don’t give me shit you guys, I know you saw it before I did. Whatever. Any way… My blood ran cold because I knew that no matter how I tried I would never get him to really, sincerely, communicate what is going on with him to me. That it is a waste of effort. He isn’t capable of it. Not now any way.  It isn’t because he doesn’t want to, he simply believes he can’t.

And suddenly I saw the other piece of why I’ve felt so hurt. There is nothing I dislike more than to feel like the bad guy or a victim. And I feel both in this case. I feel betrayed and therefore a victim and I feel punished and therefore a bad guy. And I did absolutely nothing to deserve any of this.

OMG.

Kuan Yin, Hekate, Morrigan, Epona, and Mary Magdalene gave me back the knowledge of my power but I keep forgetting I have it.

One day at a time.