I had a big realization last night.  It was one of those things when you realize that two parties would have been best served if they had first defined the concept they were discussing.  In my case The Ex and I had never discussed a common definition of what “friends” means to us. And I now think that it means different things to both of us.

Something was said this past weekend during the course of tying up a loose end that got me to thinking.  He is not ready to be friends.  And truth be told neither am I.  But it became clear, I think, that what he means when he says “be friends” is something more like hanging out, lunch, gabbing on the phone, that kind of thing.  And what I mean when I say “be friends” is that we can be in the same room together, we can hug, we can smile, we can ask how’s it going, an occasional phone call perhaps, maybe an hour in the shade at OLOTEAS.  My viewpoint requires much less healing and is good enough for me.

Perhaps one day we could be friends as he defines friends, but I hope by then that I have a new love and that I would invite The Ex to a housewarming or a wedding but it’s unlikely I would be hanging out with him.  I just can’t see it.

These two viewpoints are very different.  And when he said he wasn’t ready to be friends I thought he meant he couldn’t be civil in the same room as me.  Now that I’m looking at it this way, I suddenly feel 25% lighter.

When I was newly sober a friend gave me a vision of what relationships look like. Imagine ripples in a pond.  Imagine each ripple represents a relationship level with complete and utter intimacy in the center where the little “ploop” is rising (heh heh) and furthest outside ripple is a just shy of a stranger.

Alcoholics go from stranger to ploop very quickly.  We don’t know a lot about relationships on all the other ripples.  One might be your once a month movie friend.  Another might be the best friend you talk to for hours once a week.  That kind of thing.  I think that what The Ex and I are imagining when we talk about friends are completely different ripples. His being much further in than mine.  I think mine is more realistic and I suspect he might too.  Either way, mine is the only one I need to be concerned with and I feel so much better.  Because we?  Will run into each other, no avoiding it.

One day at a time. Much better than one hour at a time.