So we frantically made new outfits and went to an event 3 hours away, one way, on a day trip. We stayed about 2 hours and fled.  But kept trying things out. I let it be known I was interested in teaching again.  In July 2006 I was invited to teach a class for a local group on how to make a tunic.  I teach this stuff, it’s what I love as much as making.  (See my website The Medieval Tailor for some examples)  I met a man at that class.  The Ex.  We started dating and going to a few events and I was having a great time. He is now my partner officially. He introduced the concept of being a Tenderfoot to me and it was the catalyst for much meditation last fall.

Tenderfoot. When The Ex was young he was in the Boy Scouts.  The first level in the scouts is Tenderfoot.  And when he left at 18 he was still a Tenderfoot.  Not because he’s lame.  But because he just loved hanging out,  camping, making stuff.  He had no interest in badges and rank.  None.  And that inspired me immensely.

I was having so much fun that when the position of A&S minister in my local group came up I decided to go with it. How hard could it be I asked.  The  Ex was totally skeptical that it was a good idea. He knew I was still skitterish.  But I didn’t pay attention and forged ahead.  I envisioned classes every month of the off season, a new website, and a feast.  I was accepted into the position and all rejoiced.

Then my best friend and I ended our friendship of 8 years. It had been brewing for quite some time but it happened very quickly and I was devastated.  My own denial made it worse because I knew it was only limping along for almost 2 years before but I had wanted that not to be true so badly that I ignored my heart.  So when I ended it, it was, as they say, nasty, brutish, and short. 

And then the snowball happened.  One thing after another started to go wrong in the job.  Miscommunications, totally irresponsible behavior, and one complete and total slap in the face over an event that was supposed to be my A&S Championship and Robin Hood Yule  Feast.  I was already so depressed over the loss of my friend that I fell into a deep black hole. And I fled, I quit, I literally turned in my badge.  I cancelled a class I was scheduled to teach on October 5th.  And last but not least I passed off my duties for a tournament that I had planned.  One week before the event. 

I was ashamed that I had bailed after laying out some good plans but saw no other way out for me.  I couldn’t see going back any time soon because I didn’t want to face the crowd. I was angry.  The whole summer I floated between anger and depression.  In AA we say Homicide or Suicide.  And I was one or the other for 4 months. 

I knew I needed to take care of me first.

I was worried because The Ex LOVES the SCA.  The rose colored glasses have never been removed in his case.  But I couldn’t find mine anywhere.  I was concerned that this might be a problem for us as a couple since mixed couples (one in, one out) in the SCA typically don’t make it long.  The SCA can be a big time, and sometimes money, drain.  And my anger and depression was starting to take a serious toll on our relationship.  I was in fear a lot of the time.

But some surprising things began to happen.  Not one person said anything to make me feel bad about leaving. Everyone was very gracious. The support that rushed in for me was something I never expected, never even occurred to me.  But the emails and kind words that were passed to me really touched my heart.  Even some kind words from someone I’m still at some odds with.

I wrote my searching and fearless inventory.  I started opening up to what the gods thought might be a good idea instead of what I thought.  I made all kinds of things that had nothing to do with the SCA. No medieval clothes or accessories, just stuff for my pagan life.  And I started to heal.

One thing about that class I cancelled. There were 2 people who wanted to do that work and who I thought I could see.  So behind the scenes we got a date and planned on having this class for just us 3 on Nov 3rd.  If I find a place for a full day’s workshop, I’m going to open it up to more folks after all.   Why?  Because I’ve discovered something that I knew only intellectually.  They say it is a 1,000 miles from the head to the heart and this summer has been all about those 1.000 miles.  Actually my whole life is about the 1,000 miles but I did a major leg of it in the last 4 months.

So what is different?  Obligation.  There is no obligation that I teach the class.  I want to do it.  These are my friends.  They are loving and dear to me.  And it’s doing what I love.  Teaching and making.  There is no obligation that I schedule a class, make a thing, do an event, this that and the other.  It’s taken over a year to become a Tenderfoot again, a year of hard work with that goal in mind.  Something shifted.  It was physical. I felt it shift. It’s really hard to move backwards and find your sparkling innocence when it had been pounded into the mud.  Somehow, I think I’ve found those glasses.  Mended, not pristine and new, but whole.

Other things are happening to me.  That event we got invited to?  I only know 3 people there.  I could be a complete Tenderfoot, stealth person.  No one checking out my kit to see what I’ve done.  No magnifying glass. Invisibility because I want it, not because good friends are ignoring my existence while I’m standing right there.  The Ex and I can just feast and hang with our good, dear friends.  And you know what?  I realized I really wanted to finish out my kit for the event. 

I can’t seem to start on the outer tunic I need (want to make sure that is what I really want to use the wool for) but I pulled out my medieval shoes. 
They’re all cut out and ready to go but have been sitting in that state, in a bag, all summer long.  And last night I sewed up most of one in about an hour.  I am going to finish it this week and take the second shoe to our Friday meet and greet and make it up there so folks can see how easy it would be to make their own shoes.  If you can afford the leather you can make the shoes.  I’m also going to take pictures so that I can put it up on the Medieval Tailor as a demo.

The Ex and I talked about this stuff this weekend.  I pondered that perhaps they haven’t replaced me because they’re hoping I might feel better soon and step back in. Besides the fact that it is unlikely that is what they are thinking the question is would I?  We both agreed that there is no way I could do that, totally foolish.  I can totally offer my expertise, my joy of making and researching, my self, but I must make a pact with myself never to make it official.

Official kills it for me every time.

So. Fun it is. Wyewood, get ready. I’m Baaaaaack.

Thank you The Ex, my love, my inspiration.