While this quote has been cited incorrectly for many years to Herbert Spencer it is really the work of William Paley. That said, I don’t really care who said it. It is just important that it was said. I have found this bugaboo in my life on more than one occasion and found it food for thought yet again this morning.

There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments, and which can not fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance – that principle is contempt prior to investigation.

Contempt Prior to Investigation

*sigh* Contempt prior to investigation stems from, in my opinion, fear. It is true as all truths that I have spent much of my time in this lifetime consumed with fear. Fear of hurt, fear of wrong choices, fear of following good advice, fear of not being loved or lovable, fear of being me. That last one is really the core of it all. Fear that if I am truly myself will anyone love me or allow me to love them?

And for years I thought I didn’t love, that I was The Bitch, that no one really wanted me, and I killed it with booze, pot, drugs of any kind. Really, ANY kind. Kill the pain, sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I didn’t realize it was killing my soul until I was 36.  I was 12 when I started.  It was 2 more years before I realized I was doing the same thing with cigarettes.

Did I quit because of my health? Not really. I quit initially because I simply did not have the courage to kill myself. I had total contempt prior to investigation towards myself. Gah. It was get sober or live like that until I eventually got one of the following. The Big House, The Bug House, The Big Box, or the Big Book.* In the end, I opted for the Big Book, I had to embrace and laugh at stupid sayings like that because I’d die other wise.

*AA Big Book, not the bible.

I celebrated 10 years without tobacco on either November 8 or 11. I can’t remember which. Doesn’t matter really since it is now the 26th.

For some reason I began thinking about this contempt issue recently. I think it came up because after almost a year of contempt prior to investigation I attended a circle where I fell in love with the attendees. And realized with such clarity how much I had deprived myself of this wonderful bonding experience. I had been looking for a group like this for YEARS. It boggles my mind.  And I stayed away a year because I was convinced I knew that what they offered wasn’t something I wanted. And I’d never been.  What if. What if I liked it and they didn’t like me.  Best not to go and get disappointed.  Again. 

What kind of life is that??? 

After all these years, I can still fall back into that old thinking faster than my brother’s new washer with a spin cycle of 20 spins PER SECOND.  Yes, I revert faster than that. 

Things I held in contempt prior to investigation and then discovered I loved:

• Women’s Witch Circle
• Goddesses.  Aphrodite, Kuan Yin, Hekate
• Alcoholics Anonymous
• Dorks, geeks, unicorn lovers, and faeries
• Jesus and Mary M, Goddess and Consort
• Household appliances
• Being a worker among workers
• Sobriety
• Humility
• Family
• Quiet nights at home with a lovely twilight sky and a fire in the fireplace while my cat lolls behind me on the couch with her paw touching my shoulder while I stitch one more thing that is a gift for someone else
• ME…

Things I have NOT held in contempt prior to investigation and then discovered were a pretty bad choice:

• Bad Boys (how much of my soul did I let them eat?)
• Fast living
• No education beyond high school (degree after sobriety)
• Drugs (how many times did I almost die from an overdose?)
• Bling: The hip, slick, and cool

It is amazing that I was afraid of what would nurture me and ran helter skelter into the arms of anything that would kill me or do serious damage to my spirit.  I think it stemmed from some weird core belief that I didn’t deserve to be alive or was, at least, afraid to live.  Most of the time those feelings are gone.  But I think that the fear is just deeper today, cleverly hidden.  I’ve done a lot of excavation and peeled a lot of the onion.  But at the core I’m discovering some really ingrained fears.  And it appears I’m ready to finally deal with them because this stuff is cropping up a lot.

Ritual

My brother called me this morning after I sent an email telling him that the wire transfer to my bank had gone through.  And we had a total laugh over the fact that the first thing he bought was a washer and dryer and my first choice was a vacuum.  We marveled at how 15 years ago it was an eight ball of cocaine and a gallon of whiskey.  We both had lots of contempt and lots of pain.  And lots of really screwed up ritual.

I held people like who I am now in contempt prior to my sobriety.  Who cared about Green, Simplicity, Spirit, Harm None, Love Others.  Ritual used to be about getting on all my makeup, doing my nails, putting on lascivious clothing, getting a guy that night who would turn into Mr. Right forever and ever.  Ritual used to be about packing a pipe with leaves or a spoon with powder and setting a flame to it. Ice chinking around in a glass.  Ritual used to be about two motrim and a gallon of water next to bed so that the hangover in the morning would have immediate hydration and pain relief.  It didn’t work too well actually.  Too little too late, I did do some brain damage, no lie.  My short term memory SUCKS if I don’t write things down right away and even then all bets are off.

Today, ritual consists of feeding the stray every morning after dawn.  Crawling into bed with a book and the cat.  Tea before bed, Detective Goren on Sunday night.  Phone calls with The Real Mr. Right, The Beloved, The Ex. 

I am really working on investigating things and just go before I let that Itty Bitty Shitty Committee bring out their opinions.

Today, what am I investigating? The butter colored linen to slip cover my couch or put it in the bank? What is a good vacuum?  Christmas presents for my nephew that he acutally might like.  Might not sound like much to you.  But for someone who used to live in a condemned hotel building with no running water or electricity with a cocaine habit, worrying about slip covers and the right vacuum is 180 degrees.  Heck I’m not sure it’s the same plane of existence or the same solar system.

I wasn’t evil back in those days. Once in awhile I did think of others and I was mostly nice to my critters.  I only hated myself.  That’s all.  Today I can look in the mirror and smile.  I can allow myself to have pink sparkles in my life and not worry what any one else thinks.

And I see my brother loving himself.  And giving to others.  And I smile because I know that it heals him more to give to me than it heals me to receive it.

I love you bro, more than you know.