This morning I visited Shadowscapes as I am wont to do first thing. Not only is Stephanie Piu-Mun Law my absolute favorite artist, I’m antsy for her tarot deck to be complete. Another year I must wait. Each new painting resonates with me in some way. Today’s? Reflects what is going on in my life right now. In a big way.
Delving within for personal discovery and answers, turning away and disengaging from the material for the spiritual, moving on, letting go, weariness, drain.
Seeker of the Seas, dive down, dive deep. Plumb the sapphire waters so dark that they pulse with the nacreous gleam of black pearls. Slice through the waters, O Seeker of Truth; slide with lithe body through the currents and undertows; turn away from the sunlight of the world up above that blinds with its too-sharp brilliance. Like the delicate luminescence of the deep sea life, there are some things which can only be seen when the eyes grow enlarged in the dim netherlit otherworld. Dive down, Seeker of the Seas!
Today? I ebb between the joy of the possibilities that might present themselves very soon and the sadness of the possibilities that might present themselves very soon.
When I met My Beloved (MB) in the summer of 2006 he was 6 months out of a 20year marriage. We clicked immediately. But one thing that has come up repeatedly is the fact that after 20 years with his dominating mother, the Catholic church, and then 20 more years with a controlling mate, he has never found out who he is exactly or what he wants for himself. I arrived and he lost his focus.
Now I believe a couple of things. Finding yourself is one of the most important things you can do in one lifetime. That finding yourself TAKES a lifetime. But that time to process, to discover, to experiment, etc is very important. After 15 months together we have decided that until MB does this at least to a certain point, he is never going to be able to bring what he needs to bring to the table. He needs to find out everything from how he wants to decorate his apartment to how he communicates to how he dresses. What does he like to do? When does he like to go to bed? What does Saturday morning look like? Pretty much everything. The only thing he doesn’t want to experiment with is dating other people.
This weekend the whole thing came up again. It’s been brewing since the debacle of Autumn War. It was painful. We almost called the whole thing off. In fact for one three hour period that is exactly what we did. It sucked. The drive home was lonely. And I found myself in a realization.
Is THIS what I want to manifest with this man? Grief? Separation? Being without him? And the answer was so easy. NO. Well then. What DO I want to manifest with this man? Or more importantly, do I want to wait while he figures out what HE wants to manifest. And the answer was suddenly. YES. And the middle ground suddenly became clear. I called him en route home and suggested a middle ground to him.
On Sunday he brought by what I had at his place in storage and we talked a very long time. But it was a productive conversation. Difficult but productive. And that is what I like more than anything in the world.
So, as of yesterday, we have consciously changed our relationship. Things moved very very quickly in the beginning. Too fast perhaps. But loving each other was never in doubt.
We are now dating. More than casually but less than seriously. Only each other. I don’t really know what this is going to look like. I don’t know if I ‘m going to like it. I don’t know if I can make it through 6 months. Yule to Litha.
The bright side is that it isn’t over. If this new job manifests, I will need a few months to acclimatize to it. I can do some thinking and discovery of my own.
But I have to say that my gut feels pretty tense, kind of urpy (thanks Mom). I feel better today than I did on Saturday and I have more Yule spirit than I did. I look forward to the return of the sun. But it’s going to be a major challenge for me to not know from one day to the next where or what we are doing.
Stitch Witch Cottage 
I am inspired by who you are.
It takes a strong person to step away from the warmth of a relationship. I am certain that whatever the outcome, you are doing what is right (that being what is in alignment with your commitments in this world).
Blessings.
Thank you so very much.
My feeling is that a man and a woman together can be more than just the sum of the two. I think a Priestess who seeks a mate should have a Priest by her side, one who is grounded in knowledge of self and the universe around him. How generous of you to let him go develop and build those understandings, especially since he has relied so heavily on the women in his life until now. I think it will bring you both blessings and the ability to stand strong and confident before the divine.
I thought very hard about how you felt about the Autumn War incident. Indeed, for a very long time, for I, as a young woman, with a friend, were the two women who did the very thing your love did. Nothing happened, not even fooling around, but it didn’t feel right and I think no one could deny salacious thought, even if there were no words or action. I think I understand more why he did such a thing based on his background, but if there is to be perfect trust between you, he needs to understand that true fidelity, which shouldn’t be demanded, comes voluntarily from a pure heart, unsullied by trifling dalliances. Overcoming human weakness, for me, is a life sentence 😀
Maybe this is a type of cleansing for you two and why water is resonating so strongly with you right now. Do you think love is a medium like air and water?
Hmmm. What an awesome comment. I am so glad that you are in my life. Some day we really must meet.
What an intriguing question. What element is love like? Going to mull that but I see a separate post for that one.