oy vey. holy smokes. not again. *sigh*
It was not much fun. Lessee, the highlights, then I’ll post something good…
- My brother, who does NOT handle stress well, has been in shock over the change in our aging parents. Instead of being tolerant of this or having any compassion, he feels the best thing to do is confront them to change with angry tones and yells at them every chance he gets and then storms out of the house swearing never to return. *sigh*
- My parents who are stressed beyond belief by this, well, they are worse (I could give details but I prefer to leave them their private dignity). I feel for them.
- My sweetie decided on Saturday that he loves me too much to leave but really needs a break so has decided to take a 2-3 retreat away from me, no phone, no visits. Once again abandoning me over the holidays and I could really have used a shoulder this week let me tell you. At least I’m not crying over HIM right now.
- I got the stomach flu and spent two days between my bed and my bathroom, a repeat to a lesser degree to my bout two years ago when I was in France visiting them. I seriously considered that my family makes me sick.
- Jean, my sister in law’s father who is also visiting wasn’t feeling well for a few days and we thought perhaps it was the stomach bug. But it worsened and they took him to emergency Saturday night. After hours and hours of tests and MRI’s and x-rays and bloodwork, it has been determined that he has severe lung cancer with a large tumor plus several lesions, some of which are impacting his spine and are part of his constant back pain. It has metastasized to his bones. We wait for biopsy results today to find out if there is any hope but I suspect they take him home to die in his own bed. *sigh*
- My dad collapsed twice this past week. When we check on him we get brutal anger. He thinks he’s fine. He has had at least a dozen near death experiences due to his diabetes, high blood pressure, and his denial about his situation. He’s just a shit to my mother most times. I’ve been having some serious, Now Look Here Dad talks with him. *sigh*
- The good news is that I will never hear from my brother how France has a better medical system than the U.S. again. It would have taken weeks for them to do what Seattle’s medical community did in 36 hours.
I am exhausted, in my own physical and emotional pain. I know that what M.B. has done is truly necessary and it was precipitated by a very powerful experience for him while walking alone by the lake the other day. I am really truly very happy for him. But I’m just numb. While I shouldn’t put any weight to gift exchanges, he gave me an unfinished art piece, 3 used books, and 2 used videos. That is it. I have to say that the lack of thought and the inability to prioritize the art piece really hurt my feelings. A lot. But then I remember how much thought and effort he put into the statue for Orlando and that makes it a bit better. To have to go through all this alone has been almost more than I can bear. I’m this close to saying don’t call me when your 2 weeks are up, I’m done.
But I know he hasn’t been himself. I know he needs to find his center. I know that he hasn’t been the man I fell in love with. Part of me is just sick of the drama and part of me longs to be with the man I love. So I wait to see who emerges in a few weeks. Why? Because we do love each other. We’ll see if it’s enough to get us through the next month. But I swear to Hekate this is the last Yule I spend this way. Three in a row, 2 because of family, 2 because of M.B. I’m done. No more vacations ruined by either. If things aren’t improved significantly, I will be single before my next vacation. (Just so you don’t think I’m a callous bitch, it isn’t the health problems that ruined the vacation but the bad attitudes that made it so very horrible)
My house is clean, solstice decorations are put away, I spend dinner tonight with my family. I spend tonight bringing in the new year with my sober friends sans My Beloved. Which makes me sad.
So glad I can be busy here at work today. We close early and then tomorrow off. Don’t know what it looks like.
Update: I’ve conferred with my boss and am taking the rest of the week off, except for Thursday morning when a project has to go out. This gives me more time to step in and help and to recuperate myself.
Stitch Witch Cottage 
((( Beweaver )))
Oh. My first impulse is to try to comfort you, and encourage you. I’m not sure what to say, as I too would feel devastated by your Christmas Holiday…and the ‘break’. My hope is that your man will return to you, the man you fell in love with – in love with you.
This is my 3rd New Year’s Eve alone 🙂 The last two I spent alone after ‘break ups’ with the man I was engaged to. (We broke up every other month – and because of his own dysfunctional past – the holidays were always (ALWAYS) horrendous).
I’m going to spend tonight bringing in the New Year with a new journal, some candles, my cards, and a heart filled with what I’d like to see during the upcoming year. My hope is that you will find solace and peace during this time…healing in the Dark hours accompanied by the Dark Lady. Secret new life always begins in the Dark.
Hugs…Grace
Your plans for tonight sound so nice. I think I might do the same. I had planned on a party (with folks from the earlier meeting) after my AA meeting but I think after the meeting I’m coming home and doing some kind of ritual too. That really sings to me.
My love says that he really really wants to make Us work and I do believe him. He has been so off kilter but this past weekend’s experience really was a doozy for him and I have hope he’s on the right track. I think taking this time away is actually a good decision. It’s just the timing that sucks really. While I could use his shoulder, I can also use as little drama as possible. I think the break will be good for both of us no matter how it works out.
Brightest blessings to you. Thanks for the thoughts and good wishes. They are much appreciated.
Salut!
Finally online and still up
I missed so seeing you tonight!
I stayed home, I have had a cold as has Sam and so we just stayed home rather than drive to Seattle.
But I did think of you and miss you a bunch. I felt very lonely earlier in the evening went to a meeting only to find out they had changed the time to an hour earlier than it was was in the book I had. I tried to find another one and that one wasn’t there due to a NY party at the church. I was almost in tears in my car. So I went home and holed up in my room and found one of the speakers on the xa-speakers web site and listed to that for a bit over and hour and found my sanity again.
We just watched the NY stuff on the TV and then watched an action movie, we toasted the New Year with sparking juice, this one was better than last year, cuz last year we both had not just a cold but the flu!
So Sweety…. ahhhhh, I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this (damn where did I put my magic wand!!).
I would love to see you, if you feel better perhaps we can get together somehow. I love you. Let’s at least talk ok? I will be at a friends tomorrow. I am working on Wednesday 5-7pm but perhaps before or after that we can at least talk on the phone (so we don’t give each other our crud, would probably be wisest I guess).
Love you love you love you love you
I still have a special present for you from Colorado, so I HAVE to see you sometime, if nothing else then next Monday since I am back to my regular client schedule starting then.
Re: Finally online and still up
I miss you too. I left the meeting early on Monday because my stomach flu came back and I had to rush home. Gah. Missed the NY’s party and Pam and Jerry’s too.
Things are so bizarre at the moment, just crazy. It appears Jean’s cancer has spread to his brain and they are trying to determine if his weird out of time moments are from the pain pills or a brain tumor. gah.
We have lots to talk about. And I failed to use restraint of pen and tongue on Monday night. Whole new story… OMG I called the woman who has been interferring with my relationship with Patrick a nasty skanky bitch. And you know what? She deserved it. Do not fuck with a Saturn in Capricorn’s man and then act holier than though. I will hit you with an iron fist. Right between the eyes.
One day I’ll be willing to make amends for calling her skanky and nasty. But not for calling her a bitch. She is currently on the No Fucking Way Amends List.
I’ll be ranting about it in my journal soon….