Lots of tears this week. Lots of stuff shifting. Insights through tears.

I was asking myself why I was still crying over losing The Ex when he had given me so very little in the end. Suddenly it came to me that what I’m really grieving was the annihilation of my trust. I worked on relationship issues for 10 years, single and celibate for 8 of them. Right before I met The Ex I felt I was ready to finally trust again. And that trust, given to a person who was kind and thoughtful, was given fully. But the man I met and the man I ended up with were not the same man. This wasn’t entirely his fault or necessarily a bad thing, not for him at any rate. But I didn’t adjust my trust levels accordingly. And I wish I had. Love seems to make me blind.

So now I’m grieving all that hard work and I find myself wondering how long it will take to be able to be willing to trust again. Even more difficult is trusting myself. I thought I had found someone trustworthy with my heart, I thought I recognized that. And I was mistaken. Again, no blame to the other person. But how will I trust MYSELF to recognize a person worthy of trust, worthy of my heart, worthyof a risk?

*sigh* It’s going to take time. And as usual, this recovering alcoholic wants what I want and I want it NOW. I know for a fact I don’t want to wait 8 years.

At a meeting last night a woman said that she realized she had not been giving to herself. I spent so much time helping The Ex through his anxieties and confusions and dark days, worrying about US, that I forgot to think only of myself.

I never want to be so self-absorbed that the feelings of others are not considered and I never want to be so co-dependent that I never care for me. I want balance. I never want to sell myself short again. I never want to deplete all of my energy working to help someone else, not to the point where my sobriety, my wish to continue living, are compromised.

And they were this time. So compromised that releasing the body sounded like a good idea. I just wanted it all to stop. Thankfully I am not alone in this world and I don’t want to cause pain to others. So I am here.

And like the little tips of the new crocus starting to show themselves in my garden, I am waking up to a new spring. Waiting to really believe in the potential this is bringing me.