During the drama that was my
christmas winter vacation, I kept on asking the universe for peace and calm. These days that is exactly what I have. The phone isn’t ringing, the email isn’t pinging, the art is not flowing. I am still watching, er wasting, hours on mindless tv. I get little bursts of energy, enough to sell a couple books (currently downsizing), maybe stitch a bit or make a little cutie but not much motivation, read a couple mindless mysteries, take a nap. But that’s about it. For awhile this didn’t bother me. I had a burst of creative energy for a couple of weeks. I was still excited when the sun came out, loved seeing the new crocii…
I found myself thinking the other day that I needed to get a life. I’m not getting out of the house. Events that come up aren’t interesting me. I don’t feel motivated to do much of anything. This is very odd for me. VERY odd. A friend of mine once said that she and I are like sharks in the sense that if we stop moving we die. And while I’m still clearly alive I feel very subdued, very much like I don’t want to move. Nothing is sparking me right now.
I did some readings this weekend. One with the Rune stones I finally bought with the book by Ralph Blum, my favorite. That set is uncanny in its ability to pinpoint my issues. A few 3 card readings using the Well Worn Path and the Hidden Path decks combined. Also uncanny. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Where the hell else would I be? But nonetheless this isn’t a familiar or comfortable place for me. I haven’t been in this kind of place for a long time.
I know that part of this is leftovers of the winter hibernation. But I guess what it’s really telling me is that I’m still working on healing. The Ex called me about 10 days ago just to chat. And while we did chat for almost 3 hours I find that I’m just not interested in connecting with him. I don’t miss him right now. I miss spending loving time with someone but I don’t miss HIM. I still get angry albeit only when I think about how it went down, those last 4 months. And as soon as I realize I’m on the hamster wheel, I change my thoughts. No dwelling on old stuff. This is HUGE progress.
I did healing spells, love spells, forgiveness spells. They have worked, have helped. And now I just need to sit and make sure I don’t pick at scabs and call that a blessing. And it is a blessing. But I realize I’m lonely. I had made room in my life for someone before I met The Ex and now there are these big empty spaces. I’m also craving sex with another person and there’s just no way to make that happen. Although I must say that I had a very luscious sex dream on Saturday during my nap. Luscious. I awoke with a lovely smile on my face and I felt all swoonie and happy. That was very nice.
I sewed up some things that had been cut out for a while. I wanted some new lounge pants, a new long and short tanks for hanging. I had been very disappointed in some jersey sheets I purchased by Tommy Hilfiger. They shrunk and twisted on the bias and were just craptastically useless. So I had cut out these three garments for warmer weather lounging around the house. Very easy to sew up since I don’t need to finished hems etc… But for some reason that didn’t feel like creating.
My first sponsor called this Gapping. Being in the gap between your old life and your new life. We were talking about sobriety but it works for so many things. In the gap, limbo, regrouping, regenerating, uncomfortable, lonely. *sigh*
I knew that I would be seeing The Ex on the 8th because of an event we were both going to. I even asked him to bring some of the things I made for him so that I could photograph them for my portfolio. And I find I don’t want to see him. Not yet. Simply because I don’t know if I’ll laugh or cry when I do. And I don’t feel like showing him my feelings any more. They are private.
Because the universe is a very giving place, this morning there was an invitation in my email to a birthday party for a dear friend for the same date. How lovely to be able to say I couldn’t be at the event and not have to say because I’m still dealing with feelings of sadness, loneliness, or I’m just plain tired/apathetic. Said friends have a hot tub, a gorgeous view, a lovely home, and there will be people I both know and don’t know. And, right now, I feel very grateful. I know I need to get out, I know I really want to get out. But I also know that the places I get out to need to feel safe.
And those safe places are few and far between right now. I lost several of my safe places thanks to the Exes choices and my reactions. There are lots of options for me to jump in with a bunch of strangers but I’m just not into it. I might never be into it. I wasn’t really before.
So, while I’m looking forward to spring, the oracles say I’m in a really good healing place and they verify the feelings I’m experiencing, I’m still in the doldrums. A time of waiting. A time of just hanging out. Time to just live in the moment. When I’m ready to dance, I’ll dance.