What I have learned

Jeshua said to me recently: You have learned, as you understand learning, very much in the past few months, and so you are ready now to move into another relationship that is truly just around the corner for you, where you are going to move in again with a bit of trepidation, because you don’t want to take your heart in your hands and put it out there and have somebody stomp all over it.

And I’ve been working on the process of discovering (and admitting) what those things are. It has not been easy because the things that I really learned have to do with me, myself, my actions, my repetitions. These things are difficult to look at, at least these kinds of things are for me. Scary and painful even. Thankfully they pop into my head suddenly. I think I’ve caught them all, grabbing them before they pass on through the ether that is my mind.

I thought it was time to start writing these learned things down so that I don’t forget and so that more will make themselves known to me. So….

I have learned:

  • That I have trouble letting go when someone says they love me. I miss or ignore the warning signs
  • I am attracted to men who need help and who haven’t grown up yet, nice as they might be
  • I want to feel needed
  • It takes me longer to get mad and take action than it used to (yay me)
  • That I don’t deal well when I feel treated as if I’m invisible, HUGE button for me
  • That I really am lovable, that I deserve to be loved completely and wholly (yay me)
  • I really, really don’t want to be in a teacher role with a lover/partner
  • That when a man says he doesn’t know what to do, that perhaps he shouldn’t be in a relationship now that perhaps I should look elsewhere, I really should look elsewhere
  • That I can still get so angry I can’t see straight
  • It would behoove me to shut up when agitated and just listen, don’t assume I know what is going on no matter what I think the facts tell me

That’s enough for now. Dealing with several of these is pretty hard. I don’t like to look back at the relationship and see all the warning signs I ignored. To see how I could have saved myself so much pain if I had just said enough. But I did love him and I did want to help. And he loved me.

And here is the last thing, the last bit I really hate looking at. I misunderstood something that you would think someone my age wouldn’t fall for. But I fell for it big time and I also misunderstood how these things work.

See I knew that we have known each other for many lifetimes. I know that we have been all kinds of relationships for each other. For some reason I twisted that into something like This Is The One Because We Have Been Together So Many Times. What I failed to remember is that we have been with many, MANY people many, MANY lifetimes. It doesn’t mean that they are supposed to be your lover/partner. WHERE did I get that from??? OMG. *sigh* *LAUGH* Dork.

I see now that a part of me was totally operating in fluffy bunny mode. OMG. I will write more on how I see lifetimes spent with other folks at another time but suffice it to say my eyes have been opened. There is a palm print on my forehead.

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