Whatever you do, Cancerian, DON’T open the door of that closet that hasn’t been opened in years. DON’T poke your nose into the funny business that has been going on behind the scenes. DON’T peek inside Pandora’s other box, or pick the fruit of temptation off the tree of knowledge, or rush in, like a trusting fool, where angels fear to tread. DON’T do any of these controversial, forbidden things, my dear Crab — unless you want to risk embarking on some enigmatic, elemental, enlightening adventures.
I think the Universe is opening the door for me. It’s been open for awhile but is about to get wide open I’m guessing. I’m treading the path in front of me. One step at a time.
My father had another small stroke last night. He’s had many over the past couple years and while this one was no different and they sent him home, each one does rob him, a little more each time, of his brain power. Memory, speed, computation, that kind of thing is just being taken away. And what is hard is that he knows it. It breaks my heart. Like he did when I was a little girl (and not always so little) I want to protect him, take away the hurt, make it all better. But the only thing I get to do is open my heart as wide as I can and let it all rain down on me. The rain of forgiveness for past wrongs, the rain of sadness for the knowing that this life is temporary, the rain of joy for the time spent with an amazing and wonderful father, the rain of love that it is what he wants the most from me and it’s the one thing I can truly and easily give him.
My brother, who has been in the states this week taking care of administrative red tape flies into town tonight. This is going to stress him out. He feels so powerless over my dad’s health when he’s so far away, living in France. And he wants to control it all. Fun. The next few days are going to be mixed blessings and challenges. And I’m already so tired from my own life’s stress.
Last night I couldn’t get to sleep, just tossed and turned. Not because I was thinking about the stuff that is stressing me out in my own saga because that hasn’t been a problem since I reported everything. I was just so restless, tossing and turning. When my mom called this morning to tell me about the stroke and when it happened I found myself wondering if that was why. Aid cars, emergency room, the whole ball of wax. Just when I was trying to go to sleep. Did I sense it? I believe I did.
I feel so much for both my parents. My mom simply doesn’t know how to communicate with my dad when it’s a difficult topic. She gets all weird and makes it sound accusatory, she walks on eggshells and that upsets him. He’d rather be directly asked. I seem to do better because I will directly ask and when I got dad on the phone this morning, I asked him if he thought it best that I drive (with him of course) to the airport to get my brother. He was very willing for that. Whew. My mom and brother tend to want to lay down the law to my dad, tell him what he can and can not do. I find that my challenge, that I give myself, is to find a way to make it easy for him to hear and for him to make the decision himself. I don’t think it’s manipulative. He knows that this is the long slide and he was very amenable to my help. We even were able to laugh a little.
I love my dad so very much, the only thing I can do is make sure I’m there, love him. I make sure I ask him, when he has another health crisis, how it feels to be going through that. I try to give him every opportunity to talk about it from his POV instead of simply telling him he can’t drive any more or should quit working. Like me, he can get very defiant and resistant. Have a nice day! Don’t tell me what to do! *laugh*
I am my father’s daughter. Every moment is so special right now.