It has been a hard time healing from this past love relationship. We have differing stories. He says I didn’t validate who he really is (this is very contrary to things he said while in the relationship, like “no one validates me like you do”) and I say that if he had spoken up and said who he was and what he wanted to do instead of being a yes man and then doing the no thing I wouldn’t have felt that he was liar (to me AND himself) and and and. Betrayer. He’s mad that I wrote about him in my blog even though I don’t mention his name or any details about who he is. He is afraid his friends will believe me and not him. As opposed to taking him as himself. Me? I think that is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. If they believe me before getting to know him and decide not to be his friends based on what I write here? Then they are not friends and what’s the loss? He lives in fear a lot. But he has no problem discussing, in public and in front of our friends on tape, his continuing feelings for the woman that he slept with while we were still lovers. He hasn’t figured out that he is the one that ended looking stupid in that particular farce. He is such a hypocrite. I was just livid with anger and hurt feelings last week. Again. It took some really good conversations with some very amazing women, both in person and on line, before I started to get some balance back. And I found some compassion.
The man has a severe anxiety disorder and I forgot about that. A good friend who knows this and who had been in a relationship with a man suffering from this was an incredible source of peace for me on my birthday. Independence Day. I had forgotten that was such a huge issue. She passed on a mantra she got from a Buddhist priest she discussed the matter with. “He is a man of many miseries” I am chanting that every time my anger resurfaces and slowly I’m finding my compassion. And forgiveness for myself.
Because of course part of the anger and betrayed feelings stem from feeling like a loser for staying as long as I did, buying into it as long as I did, trying to help as long as I did. Because of course now I’m just a bitch in his eyes and I suppose I deserve that because in the end I got pretty hot and said things I could have kept to myself, true as I still feel they are. Such is life. I could have said much that I did keep to myself. I spared him much more than he realizes. So much I never shared simply because I did love him just as he was. Such is life.
Lots of candles burned this weekend, including one amazing one from Carolina Candle Co. called Rejuvenation. I’ll be using those again. Tried to find a link but couldn’t. They use a soy wax with essential oils, very nice. A little candle magic too… And as I heal I stitch.