I believe that I am here to live as fully a human life as I possibly can. To love, to hate, to cry, to laugh, to rejoice, to find rapture, to feel pain, to jump into the lake and feel it all from my head to my toes. I’m not afraid of love and I’m not afraid of loss. I’m totally willing to risk it all for the greater possibilities. And nothing is ever a mistake. So what if I get a bit of heartache. I’d rather have loved than lost than never had loved at all.  It ain’t as trite as one might suppose. I am certainly not here to live in fear. That might be why you’re here but I’m simply not interested.  It doesn’t mean I don’t find myself afraid, but I don’t live there.  That is not where I pitch my tent.

As totally shitty as the end of my last relationship was, as totally surprised as everyone who knew Narcissus was by his behavior, as much as it hurt, there was a lot that was really good too. We had some really good times. We had some really hard times. I have no regrets over anything I did there. I gave of myself fully with no thought of sparing myself the pain. The fact that he did not is not my problem nor my concern. I’ve made a vow this week not to talk about the details of the events that transpired in the last 12 months as they do get me hot under the collar. I will only do so when it becomes absolutely necessary and that might not happen at all because I can just send someone here and not have to say a word.  It’s not that I’m mad anymore, I don’t think about it much anymore. But I have noticed that if I do give it my focus I can get very mad all over again.  I relive it.  Literally.  And I don’t want to relive it. I want to live something new now.

I can get mad at my ex-husband all over again too and we divorced in 1984. It isn’t because I have not processed or moved on from the feelings of that time. I have. It’s just that when we access the data bank that is our brain we find ourselves fully there in that moment again. Time is not linear.  When we choose to put our focus on somewhere other than right here right now we are in truth living in that other place and time. It’s only our bodies that are in another place.  So it’s no wonder we can feel as angry now as we did then. We’re really living then.

Does that make sense?

A pet peeve I have is when people offer their sage advice and it reflects their own belief system and has nothing to do with mine. Huge button. “Don’t rush into anything!”

Oh for crying out loud. Why the hell not? What are you here for? It appears it’s not for the same reason I am here. I am not here to live my life worried that someone will hurt me again. I am not here to live as though there is a threat around every corner. I am here to experience this incredibly short life that is full of potential for good too.  I’m not trying to yell at anyone but I do get tired of folks telling me how to live.  And darn it, I didn’t ask for the advice.

My worries are not your worries. I don’t love Narcissus any more. I don’t hate him any more. I just don’t trust him any more. It doesn’t follow that I shouldn’t trust myself any more or that I should beware of the new “stranger.”

I spent 8 years single, celibate, and alone looking around and deciding against this man and that man before I met Narcissus. I knew when I met him that he was young emotionally, that he was a bit in the lala land (well okay, more than a bit). And I found that innocence refreshing and it was really, really good to just jump in and allow myself something I’d never allowed myself before. I had no idea that his anxiety issues were permanent. I had no idea what panic attacks are all about. So I didn’t know when they started up that this was something that would go on for the duration of our relationship. No matter how bad it ended I do not regret being in that relationship.  I see now that I’m not all that enamoured with innocence but I discovered parts of myself that I had stuffed away for a very long time.  It was worth it.  Would I do it again?  No. Why would I do anything again when there are new experiences to be had?

I met many wonderful people. I experienced some sparkely goodness that I had never allowed myself to experience. I found that I could totally lighten up, that I could support someone, that I could love with every bit of myself even if it was pearls before swine. And the thing that I really learned?

That our thoughts really do become things. Because Narcissus had everything I had on my old Man List when I decided to get into a relationship. I could hardly believe it and half of the stars in my eyes at the time were from my amazement over the list and wishes granted. I learned that I need a new list and that new list? The one in my important pages list?  I made that in the first month of our breakup. I realized immediately that my first list was incredibly short and not very detailed.  I believe now more than I ever thought I could that I really do create my own reality, that I get exactly what I wish for every single time. So I better be very careful what I wish for. That last year was all about learning to work with the Law of Attraction. Hence the new very long, very detailed Man List.  And hence my belief that the new man, whoever he may be, will be exactly who I want him to be this time too.  I am not afraid.  Read my new list.  Why should I be afraid of my own manifestations?  I can change them at will.  Just like you can.

It’s entirely possible that I will find, if my next relationship doesn’t work out, that my list was too long and too specific. Or that I don’t want what I thought I wanted. What it’s really about is fine tuning my list. Not whether or not the relationship lasts. While I think I want a relationship that lasts with all my heart I might find that I was mistaken. So what? I can change that too. Nothing is static. Everything changes. All I have to do is think about that change I want and I’ll get that too. The mistake is thinking that I can’t change anything and that I am at the whim of someone else’s blowing wind. In the case of Narcissus I decided to be at his whim. I chose it, I manifested that. And that caused me some serious pain. But I don’t regret the living of my life.  I regret none of it.  I get it now.  I get that I’m the boss, I am #1 and I make it so.  I create my pain, I create my joy.  I’m okay with that.  I seem to like creating both.  Contrast and comparison are great tools don’t you think?  I’m manifesting something new at the moment.

I have a friend who is also a proponent of the thoughts become things philosophy. And she keeps telling me that she wants me to be happy. Happy happy joy joy. *sigh* I love joy, really and truly I do. But for some reason I like the other stuff too. What I really love is feeling. Strongly. Whether it is contentment, joy, orgasm, heart wrenching pain, I love that I feel. That is why I’m here.  I am not here to manifest what others think I should want.  If you want joy all the time and nothing but joy, go for it. It is yours.

So when you read that I’m interested in someone again do not tell me to be cautious. Do not tell me not to rush. DO NOT impose your belief system on me. Your fear of pain, your resistance to all that life has to offer? Your attempt to keep me from feeling things you value as bad? Keep it.  I don’t need it or want it.  My entire life has been about getting as far from that as possible.  In sobriety I became afraid. I lost my Candide-esque innocence.  Candide was the ultimate Fool card.  I forgot that I am also the Queen of Swords and of Wands and of Cups.  This past horrible terrible bizarre year showed me myself again.  It brought me Kuan Yin of the sharp sword instead of the Kuan Yin of the doormat that I thought she was.  Looking back last year rocked. It sucked and yet it rocked. And I survived.  That is the important thing.  I’m still standing.

Alexander Pope says:

A little learning is a dangerous thing;
Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring.

Petronius says and this is partly where Pope got his thought:

This is the right armour of genius-
Drink deep or taste not the Pierian spring.
Only then pour out your heart.

I’m here to drink deep. I’m 49 years old. I’ve survived homelessness, needles, drug addiction and alcoholism, giving my son up for adoption (saw Juno this week, twice, and bawled my eyes out), bankruptcy, ended relationships (most of which remain friends),  and all kinds of things that folks find horrifying. But those things make me who I am. And the fact that I’m still willing to love deeply, to drink deeply from that spring of the muses is a tribute to the strength of my character, the fact that I believe love makes it all worth while.

I am not afraid to rush in. I am not afraid to be the fool. No, not at all. I’m more than happy to be the fool, to rush in where angels fear to tread. To risk my heart breaking again. But you know what? That heart is so resilient I can hardly believe my good fortune. And I create my own reality.  How refreshing is that?

“…and fall in love, whenever you can… ”

~Practical Magic