Back in May I had a dream. After all these years of dreaming my dreams and doing what I can to interpret them, I believe that my dreams aren’t all that opaque. They are pretty straight forward in the symbolism. And yesterday afternoon I realized that this new interest is, in fact, The Egg Man from this dream (including the stubble).
There are some similarities to my last relationship that are a bit disconcerting as well. A tendency towards illness, slovenliness, and too many meds that impact too many things. All in all a charming man, as was Narcissus, lots of good smiles and some fun. But fundamental, foundational things are just sadly lacking.
It’s too bad because The Egg Man is a good communicator. He talks; about himself, his life, his stories. And while I love a man who can talk and be honest and I do love to listen if he actually has something to say, The Egg Man hogs the conversation time and shows only interest in himself. One, maybe two questions about me. Hasn’t shown much interest in who I am. And that’s cool.
He’s had a hard couple of years. Stomach cancer, loss of a partner to breast cancer, both best friends dead, and the aging of his father and all that entails. His story in many ways sounds like the stories I’me hearing all over the place. Lots of folks have lost many people in the last couple years. Had many emotional challenges. I’d be a bit depressed and self absorbed too I guess. In fact, I have been. But TEM has made it clear that the depression, migraines (I feel for you, really I do), and other ills have plagued him since childhood.
I’m just not ready, nor am I likely to be, to go through this kind of sadness and madness again. I’m pretty much done with the ill partners, the self absorbed partners, the does not have his life together in any way partners. I myself am a sometimes ill partner. I sometimes get migraines too and occassionally my fibromyalgia raises it’s ugly head. But my life is together. I know who I am. I have a lot to offer a partner who is serious about creating a life together. I know what I want.
Does this sadden me? That the prospects with The Egg Man have turned out not to be what I’m looking for? Not at all. Why? Because it means The Chicken Man is well on his way. Ooooh, the Chicken Man. Oh to have a partner as vital as myself. And virile would be nice for a change as well. I’m sorry folks but there it is.
The most brutal and unkind thing for people who have to take SSRI’s (a type of anti-depressant) is that so many suffer from the nasty side effect of sexual dysfunction, men and women alike. God, to have to decide between a sex life and a depressed life is not much of a choice at all. I had to make the choice myself. Thankfully my brief depressions seem to be situational, circumstances that would depress anyone. I’m not pointing fingers here, those meds affected me that way too. And I fucking hated it. While there was fucking there was no orgasm. Brutal, oh unkind world. I have no idea if this plagues TEM too but there isn’t enough going on there to get me to the point of discussing something of such difficult intimacy. And he is not a candidate to stop taking the meds. But I digress.
There might be more Egg Men soon. I’ve already been hit upon by someone I know in my meetings. And he’s an obvious Egg Man with no conversation needed. But my heart fills with joy. Rapture. Excitement. An ti ci pation