The excitement, the agony, the passion, the waiting

The Chicken Man.  Oh yes, this is not about The Egg Man.

A little story…

Several years ago I met a man who I was instantly attracted to, I’ll call him The Biker Folk Singer, er , no that’s too long, I’ll call him M. (I will also say that I never gave The Forgiven or anyone else any inclination that I was uber attracted to M., I have more class than that) I could tell there was chemistry. But he had about a week sober and was pretty gray around the gills.  I figured it was my broken picker going, once again, for a messed up alcoholic.  Over the years he’s stuck around and has real sobriety.  We have a casual friendship, always friendly, always a little something there.  But he started dating someone when he had about 6 months.  (not thought highly of in the programs but he was a newcomer and so was she and they didn’t know any better.  And his picker was seriously broken too)  Any way… Lots to tell behind the cut.

I started dating The Forgiven.  Then we broke up and M. started seeing someone else.   About a month ago, I asked him if he was okay.  He was looking pretty down in the mouth.  He said he wasn’t doing that well but didn’t say why but I knew.  I just know things.  And he finally fessed up Tuesday that they had split.  I was the one he told, no one else knew until that party, more on that later.  He felt that comfortable with me.  Perhaps he wanted me to know for a reason?  He seems to be a very private person.  Which is great, aside from this blog where I think of myself as anonymous mostly, I am too.  He seemed a little down but nothing like the previous month.  As though the worst of the grieving was over, they parted on friendly terms.

As we’re talking Tuesday night he mentions that the folks who throw the annual New Year’s Eve party are going out town and it isn’t happening this year.  After a bit of mental checking, going over the larder inventory (do I have enough food in the pantry that I can throw a party without spending any money?), figuring out if I can clean the house upstairs (housemate is a bit of a slob), can I do  this.  And he says, I can help you.  Great.  We’re on.  I call everyone from our crowd that I have a phone number for and send out the word.  The next day by noon I haven’t heard from him.  So I call.  What are you doing?  Laying around the house.  Thought so.  Is your offer of assistance still good?  Of Course!  He was at my place, showered and dressed and ready to go, in less than an hour.  We spent the afternoon cleaning the house, talking, cooking, and watching the first episodes of Firefly which he’s never seen.

He notices I have a fireplace and asks if we have any wood? Dude, we got three cords of wood from the white pine that came down last year.  And he hauls in wood for an entire evening of flame, carts boxes to the basement, vacuums, grates cheese.  He really actually helped.  And was super fun about it.  He loves to cook and was helpful there.  He has a clue about a home actually. Admits he’s a tidy guy.  Not a super cleaner but tidy and that describes me too.

The friends arrive and the house becomes very cozy and the energy is amazing.  We never did watch a movie, which is always part of the invites, we are a movie night crowd.  When I was talking to one of the invitees the day before he asked how many people were coming and I said I’d invited 20 but expected maybe 8.  And got 8 (until right before midnight when #9 showed up). Three bonafide couples and me and M.  We sat around in a big circle and talked for almost 5 hours.  Full circle discussions, then smaller groups, then all together, ebbing and flowing in this amazing synergy.  And M. kept the fire going (lots of private glances across the room that night between us), folks brought great food, someone brought noisemakers.  And for the first time in my post pubescent life I didn’t feel bad that I didn’t have someone to kiss on New Year’s.  Never even entered my mind.  So when we were on the front porch making lots of noise and the clock struck midnight and Scott kissed Jenny I happened to be standing next to M (that was pure happy accident, it never occurred to me to be there or that I was standing next to HIM at midnight, it was synchronicity) and while I didn’t get a kiss, that would have been truly weird and BAD, he did grab me in a very nice little hug.  Awwwww.

The next day he called and thanked me for hosting the party and for such a good time. I pulled a card from the lover’s tarot asking for the card that would show our relationship. I got Shaharazade, the storyteller from A Thousand and One Nights. A very good omen folks.

Shall I continue?  Can’t decide. Should I drag this out into installments?  Naw…..

The day after that I text him and invite him over for dinner and movie Saturday night.  He texts back saying he’s not sure he has to check, he thinks he has a prior engagement.  And it’s a good thing I didn’t get the text cuz I was all nervous and stuff. Which is why I texted in the first place.  I figured it didn’t feel as intimidating as the phone.  The only reason I knew about that text at that point was that the phone rang.  I don’t like texting he says.  I did text you but found out that I am free so thought I’d call.  What can I bring? What time?

Dinner after the meeting on Friday night, more really cute glances and sudden just looking each other in the eyes while folks are talking around us. Then back to the crowd.

A dear friend gave me a PCC gift card for Yule.  I used it to buy some Wild Alaska Salmon, some snow peas and shitaki shrooms, some wild rice pilaf.  I cooked all of that up, had some goat cheese and pecans which were amazing on the rice, black bean sauce for the peas, and a balsamic marinade for the fish.  The marinade blackened the fish more than I had hoped but it was still very good.  As I was cooking dinner I was reminding myself that I wasn’t just splurging on a guy but giving myself a very nice treat and that I deserved one.  I haven’t bought anything special in ages.  And I knew that no matter what, we were already friends and it would be a very nice evening.

I called my sponsor before the dinner to get my feet back on the ground.  We talked about how we, as alcoholics, used to enter into relationships, always too fast, too intimate too soon, to take things slowly, really get to know him, no kissing, way too soon, and what a tall order that is and how hard it was to follow.  I am so glad I have this new sponsor.  She’s really awesome.

So we had a wonderful evening.  Good food, lots of conversation about all kinds of things, more Firefly.  When he had to leave because he has a weird work schedule and he had to get up in the morning, he asked how many more episodes were left.  9 plus the movie Serenity.  Oh good he says, lots more, that’s great.  We stood at the door talking and talking and I’m fidgety and he’s the kind of secure man who will look you in the eyes when you’re talking and it’s going on and on.  But we had talked about relationships earlier and while never once did we talk about it pertaining to us two together, we talked about what my sponsor said (no I did NOT tell him I had called my sponsor about him, TMI).  During that part of the conversation he said but it sure can be fun to just go for it too. I laughed and agreed and said but think how much better it could be if there is a good foundation. And he said kind of like sobriety being better than you ever hoped. I want him. Want him bad. Jeesh. I have since the day I met him but dang, now we are both in the position to be, well, in the position as it were and I’m just a little insane.

So I got a big bear hug but it was cheek to cheek this time.  I went to bed feeling his cheek on my cheek which is basically his skin against my skin if you think about it, his smell in my senses.  And I laugh at how Victorian that seems but there might be something to this baby step thing.  Heightens the senses…

Yesterday I was mooning around as I went through the day, housemate came home (she’s been gone on a 10 day meditation retreat) and I told her.  It’s important that she knows the story about his break up, our increasing friendship, and that I don’t want his ex to know right now (so no gossip) because no woman in the world, even, no especially, if she hates the guy, wants to know that he started seeing someone else right away, she wants him to miss her at least a little, to suffer just a little about the loss of her, I’m acquainted with her, she’s nice, I want to respect that.  Don’t owe her The Code of the West, don’t need her permission or anything like that, but she doesn’t deserve total dissing on any level.  So until there is actually real news, rather go for the silence.

As I’m mooning around I remember the dream I had back last spring.  It came to be known as The Chicken Man dream.  I was suddenly struck with some interesting clicks.  The woman I was wandering with at the fair, the one who said, “They both think you’re beautiful?”  She? Is my new sponsor.  She likes this guy quite a bit, everyone does actually. This was not engineered by me.  I needed a new sponsor.  I wanted one who I loved, respected, trusted with my feelings, and who had a really admirable recovery program and who would hold me to things. But here I am, with this woman telling me good things about this man in a very supportive way, wanting me to take care of both of our hearts, encouraging me to go for it but take it slow. It feels like the dream.

So, I’m trying, and actually succeeding, to have no expectations for a call back.  It was a nice evening and that is good enough.  And just an hour ago I get a text.  Am I free for more Firefly on either Tues or Wed?  He has Wed and Thurs off so I thought if he did contact me it might for one of those evenings and I was right.  Sure I’m free but later on Tues, your place or mine?  Thought you hated text?  My place, I’ll cook dinner this time, I do hate text but I can’t call right now.  🙂  Still don’t know which day but no matter, they’re both his if he wants them.

I’ll try to keep my feet on the floor but my head’s in the clouds and I want more skin, I want to touch hands, I want to feel his knuckles, his fingers, his thumbs.  Are they smooth? Rough?  Hoping for at least a little rough, soft hands are so boring. You can learn a lot about a person through their hands, hands are so expressive, so intimate.  You laugh but is that sexy or what?  Just hands.  Not holding hands really, I want to get to KNOW his hands.  Much different don’t you think? And aren’t wrists sexy???

We were talking about camping which turned into taking care of yourself if you were stranded in the wild. I said I didn’t know if I could make it or not, that I hoped it was spring when I got stranded, not autumn, but I could fish and trap some, and I knew how to forage and the like.  He asked me, can you clean a fish?  I can clean a fish, sure, I can dress a duck too.  And his eyes lit up.  Swear to Goddess he got all bright.  This is a real woman they seemed to be saying.  *laugh*

This fellow, C, doesn’t have a farm but he wants land, even if just a small space.  We have so very much in common, our hippy tendencies especially although with regular bathing and clean environments, he’s very pagan in his spirituality but hates rules, loves that I’m a psychic witch, he’s a musician (duh, drunks and muscians, go for them every time, and he’s a biker too which makes me all hot), he loves to talk, wants a tiny house on several acres east of the mountains.  Doesn’t want kids.  Sober. S.O.B.E.R. in a real way, works his program with a sponsor and his rigorous honesty in meetings, well it gets me.  Wants to go to Faerieworlds, loves to camp,  and I’m sure I can lure him to OLOTEAS at least once in a while. He’s got a life. Has two cats, one with a very similar story to Miss Mitty and how he approached her endeared him to me for life.  Gentle, funny, can tell a joke at parties, lots of fun to be around, incredibly intelligent and very witty.  Oh.  Yes.  He’s physically adorable and that leather thong around his neck with a Chinese coin strung on it makes me all silly. That and the pierced ear.  Just one.  *swoon*

He figured out I’m 10 years older than he is and said, “don’t worry I won’t hold it against you” with a wicked in a good way grin.  Oh please, hold it against me.

Any way.  Like I said there as been chemistry between us for some time.  A long time friendship and mutual respect. I trust him.  I know he’s like me, has a firey streak, but is mostly calm and centered.  We are very similar.

So dinner and a movie.  Wednesday (he called).  At his house.  Get to meet his cats.  The torture of waiting…  Maybe he’ll be at the Tuesday meeting again.

Oh, yes 2009 promises to be very different.  It started with a hug….

P.S. Interview for a good part time gig tomorrow.  Send good job juju.  It would include full benefits…

2 thoughts on “The excitement, the agony, the passion, the waiting

  1. Okay, this post was so adorable – damn!!!!

    Yes, wrists are sexy. Have you seen “The Age of Innocence?” In Victorian-era New York City, Newland Archer, a married man, smitten with the Countess Olenska unbuttons her glove in a carriage and passionately kisses her wrist. Hello!

    I have a question about something you wrote, and the question is born out of total ignorance. If there’s anything offensive that I write, please let me know. Learning is a good thing.

    You mention that alcoholics tend to fall too quickly, going into stages of intimacy before it might be wise. To me, something without addiction issues, this sounds damn near like a lot of people I know. We tend to go for love so quickly and sink into its beautiful disorientation because of how it makes us feel. Can you clarify the difference for me? I’m curious to know.

    Thank you for this great post!

  2. *laugh* I aim to be adorable you adorable man you.

    Have I seen Age of Innocence? With Daniel Day Lewis? Boy howdy. oh yeah, buttons, undone buttons. and wrists. wow.

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