I’ve been doing a bit of thinking about this whole thing with M. How could I not. And I have to say that while I wrote things about our time together, we spent hours and hours together. That time doesn’t come close to translating fully on a blog, nor does the blog reveal all, NOR does it mean that anyone could possibly understand another being through the writings of another. M. didn’t do a darned thing wrong. He did the best he could with what he had. He did all he could to act with honor. So did I. We both tripped a bit but we soared too. No regrets. If I want others to understand when I follow my heart I must do the same for them. How on earth can his choice to go to one he still loves possibly translate to him being unworthy of me. Perhaps dear ones, he is more worthy for having the courage to say so and try it. Perhaps, just perhaps, his being true to his heart was a gift. I do not feel used. I simply miss what I can not have. But I’m glad to core of myself that I had it for the time I did.
My mother says we gave each other very meaningful gifts. If my mother can say this then well, there you go. So can you.
M. is as worthwhile as myself. He is on the same path with the same goal. While we might not be walking shoulder to shoulder at the moment in no way does that mean that one of us is greater or of more value than the other.
Nothing, NOTHING, makes me angrier than having a loved one judged by those who don’t know them. Well that and full on betrayal. I was not betrayed by M. in any way.
If you can’t say anything nice about M. don’t say a damned thing. Seriously. I don’t care how much you think it will make me feel better. I assure you it will not.
My heart breaking has to do with how much love I gave, not who I gave it to. And I only give it to the worthy. In this case I didn’t get what I wanted. Does that mean that I cast my pearls before swine? I seriously don’t think so. Not with hindsight.
We are all sacred. We are all worthy. We all matter. And we are all worth loving and being loved.
M. and I still care a great deal about each other, still see each other, still talk to each other. It just doesn’t look the way it did for those wonderful three weeks.
So stop. I will heal. Time will pass. And I will still have a friend who I value.