Loss and Gain

I’m really struggling emotionally with the fact that my life is currently in limbo.  Powerless.  Powerless over people, places, and things. Always has been, always will be.  Of course the only thing we have true power over is our own reactions and actions.  What we do, how we chose to feel, those things we have to work with.  And lately I don’t have the energy for that. I do get little bursts of energy, hence the new tutorials.  But I’ve photos to complete the series and can’t seem to give a damn.  I’m trying to be willing to be willing.  And to be patient and have faith but I’m just this close to empty.

And I’m pissed.  Pissed at the woman who helped bring me to this place. I made the decision to leave that job last summer based on the things she told me would come in to my life by her hand.  And she did none of it.  I lost my beloved home in the woods.  While I have a roof over my head and food in my tummy (thank you thank you thank you) technically I am homeless.  I might soon be car-less.  And she was full of lies and her own self interest.  And she couldn’t see her part in this.   I hate living in blame and victimhood. I am the one who quit, I had dreams of my own. But sometimes I just blame her.  She came through with none of it, the classes she was turning over to me at the two local community colleges, the book that was going to be published in three months and still isn’t published (boy did I learn alot about how that world works), the travel, the personal assistant, the custom pouches.  And she sent me no web work either.  That last part isn’t her fault, the timing sucked, the economy tanked.  But she was full of pipe dreams of her own, had her own agenda, and I thought they were real. I don’t think she really looked past what she wanted.

And I blame myself.  Right before her offer I had decided I wasn’t going to pursue the friendship any longer because I didn’t care for certain things she said and did.  I wanted out of that job so badly that I didn’t listen to that quiet voice screaming noooooo.  Don’t trust her! She thinks she is the only one with wisdom!  I did leap because I wanted out, I wanted out badly, working for a plank of a man with his own insecurity issues sucked.  But I didn’t want to lose it all.  I still have a few things left, and I’m clinging to them with claws.  And it’s really all my own fault. But I still can’t help blaming her too.

Most of what I own is in storage and every month I worry that I will lose it due to lack of funds.  Every month somehow the funds come in.  Not so with the car.  I’m parking it in random places away from my home in the hopes that if the repo man comes for it, he won’t find it, and somehow the money will come in soon so that I can get caught up, make an arrangement, and keep the car.  The debt that I’ve accrued as I try to survive is so overwhelming right now.  The longer I’m out of gainful employment, the longer it will take me to pay everyone back and get my own place again. I’m a Cancer.  This is hard to not have my home.

I’m going over to my Queen’s home this afternoon to get my herb’s from storage.  There are things I want to make and in one way it feels like I’m taking some control over my life.  It’s a small thing but what the heck.

The third interview went well but I have no insight into whether it will be me or the other person.  I’ll find out sometime next week.  Oi.  I can’t even think past that.

I’m tired. Very tired.  I feel like checking out some times.  I’m in tears a lot of the time or I dampen down to numb so I can get through the days.  I hate treating my dieties like Santa Claus but I could really use some help.  I’m not full of drama or self-pity but this is one of those times when those feelings do arise.  It’s okay to need help, it’s imperative to ask for it.  I can only speak of my own truth.  And I can not stuff the feelings.  If I stuff how I’m feeling I will indeed die.  The way to keep alive right now is to talk about it.  As much as I want to keep this post private, I know that one day the wheel will turn and if speaking about how hard this is helps someone else get through times like this then it will be worth it.

I’m also sad.  Found out last week that my ex-husband committed suicide.  I’ve been divorced 25 years this month but I loved him madly in those days. He was a real, true love, we just couldn’t survive his addiction.  And in the end he couldn’t either.  The details of the story are heartbreaking. I knew his chances of making it in this life weren’t good but was saddened at the news of suicide.  I hope his next time around is better.  And I can’t check out.  I can’t let The Four Horsemen, Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair, take me too.  I have much to live for if I can get through this.  I know this.  So I am pulling in the oars, bringing down the sails, conserving my energy, using as little as I can so that what I have left will be enough.

I know that this too shall pass.  That the wheel will turn.  But oh my Goddess.  Soon would be really good.

I am employable

I am worthy

I am a strong, empowered woman

I am good and kind

I am loved

I am here

3 thoughts on “Loss and Gain

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time, but you should know that reading your post really inspired me! It seems as though half of you is hovering at the edge of despair, but the stronger half of you is refusing to give in. I’m so proud of you! Even though the person in whom you invested your hopes did not come through for you, I can feel your determination to get through this.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Suicide is an awful thing (I’ve also dealt with it in my own life).

    Big hugs to you! 🙂

  2. Awwww. I feel like Scarlet O’Hara today.

    It is a new day. There is still hope. I got a tiny bit of good news about the car, I’ve made more payments than I thought so a little more breathing time. Whew…

    A friend suggested I apply to drive school buses in our city. Evidently they are always hiring, still hiring. They do the training and in two weeks you’re driving kids. It’s pretty close to home and while the hours are weird, they’re sort of interesting too. My dad drove a school bus once back in the 70’s when he quit his job for hostile reasons too.

    Tra la tra la.

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