Still waiting for the decision on that one job. OMG they’re dragging this out for an uncomfortably long time… Not like I’m doing anything else. Applied to drive school bus, I hear they’re always hiring. I can do anything as long as I can sit. Limiting and not in a good way these days.
Will Worthington – DruidCraft Tarot
It is my annual Go Through the Closets and Get Ready for the Winter. Every year I go through the clothes, get rid of what I don’t need or wear, see what needs mending, organize everything. I’ve got a hand mending pile, a machine mending pile, all the scarves and gloves are washed, and bags are ready for the Goodwill truck on Thursday. Feels good. I love summer, I love all the seasons and what each brings, and I’ve tried to enjoy this year’s summer but’s flown by and not in a really good way. It’s been stressful. All my friends were going camping and while they were willing to give me a ride, not one offered to help feed me on these trips. So I stayed home every time. It was disheartening to say the least. Just didn’t feel like summer this year. And now it’s fall. It’s time for endings and new beginnings. So I get ready for school as it were. Watching season 4 of Xena as I do the little chores and putter about, polish shoes, daydream. That feels comforting and familiar and good.
No Spark Guy
I was talking to my friend Nancy the other day and she thought I said Nose Fart Guy. Nearly peed myself it was so funny. We had our second date. Took him a month to call me and ask. Dude. Nothing like letting a gal know you dig her you know? Just saying. There are simply no sparks. Never will be. He’s a nice person, truly. Just nothing there for me. He wants to get together again. Oh dear.
The spark guy is back in the picture. This is M I’m talking about. He has finished the business he had to take care of. It didn’t have the results he was looking for but he learned what he needed to learn and that’s why we’re here right? Well, that and having fun in a body… I never thought it was about him being anything other than confused emotionally and the timing not being right yet. I know that we are connected and connections like that will continue showing up until they are acknowledged.
As I said the other day it’s not that I know yet what I want from him or he me but it’s worth investigating. Some folks, most notably my ex-friend R, said he was a jerk, a horn-dog (she has no idea how close she came to dying the day those words came out of her mouth), that he would be a blip on the long story of my life. Which completely invalidated my friendship with him, my feelings for him, his importance in my life, and his worth as a human being just trying to live a spiritual life and, like all the rest of us, falling on his face now and then.
I am not a bloody idiot. I know when someone is experiencing intense emotions and feelings. I was certain that even though he broke it off after a few wild weeks that things weren’t over. The first three months were torture for me. The second four not so much. In fact, when I heard he had finally ended it, I was all piss off with the attitude. I see him every week fer cryin’ out loud. He smiles, we say hi, I’ve been tender and distant and occasionally grumpy. He is the only one of my friends who congratulated me on my initiation and many knew. He knew it’s importance to me. He’s been friendly, cheerful, and some things I couldn’t interpret. But in no way was he a Blip.
Was I hurt? Yes, incredibly so. Did I lie to him about that? Yes, I did. Is the timing better now? Yes, I think it is, very much so, but only time will tell. More will be revealed.
We’ve gone out for coffee. We’ve spoken on the phone a few times. He came to eat with the group last Friday which he hadn’t done in a long time. This Saturday, we’re going to hear my cousin Jon play his screamingly amazing fiddlepimp stomping good Irish violin in an Irish pub with drunks singing along and all. It’s good M is going with me as there’s a lot of drinking and being with a sober person is always a good idea. And because he loves Celtic and Irish music and will love watching and listening to Jonny. But mostly I’m looking forward to being there with him.
Doesn’t mean a thing really. He was asking me at the end of our last connection for some time to figure out what he wants to do. He wanted to continue hanging out, talking, doing things together, just no intimate relationship. And that’s what he’s going to get this time. I have no plans on being alone with him at his apartment. We need to have at least one very serious talk before we go there, IF we go there. And right now is too early for serious talks. He needs to jump through a few hoops, oh yes he does. Maybe we’ll both only want to be friends but I really don’t think so. I’m not alone in that opinion.
I see no point in holding a grudge. If it had been me and my confusion, my torment, I would have expected him to understand. Not like it, not be happy about it, but understand. He never lied. He was confused so what he wanted from one day to the next flipped around and confused the hell out of me. But why should I do any less for others than what I want others to do for me? Why is it women have no mercy when it comes to men? I know girlfriends want to have your back and everything but they’d be all over his ass if I wanted to take a break and he refused to understand and acted out badly, called me names, etc. I tried to understand what he was going through and why. I tried not to take it personally because it wasn’t about me at all. Blaming other folks for actually doing what they have to do whether you understand the reason or not is a waste of effort.
So. We shall see. But to have the chance with someone where the connection is this powerful, this right, so many sparks, well it’s worth investigating one more time.