Is Good News.
I can tell you that meetings with my sponsor are going well. I’ve been doing some 10th step work with her and I have to say she’s been very kind and so far she hasn’t assigned me any amends. So far so good. For those who aren’t familiar:
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
I had some questions for her. Am I walking around with a big shield up? Am I coming across as hardened? My heart still aches for my parents, still healing from the loss of friends and a family member, still healing from last winter’s severe crack. Am I too brutally honest? Do I hurt people? M said he couldn’t be with me because I was brutally honest (after he said I was too old) and even though I don’t trust that, am I? I’m going to remain vigilant but assume he’s just still raw in general and is only afraid I might be, not that I have been. Usually if I say something harsh it rings in my head until I apologize. I got no head ringing.
The coven is fine with one exception, She Who Will Not Be Named, bitch slapped the coven for not going to something she thought every coven member should support. Everyone’s feelings got hurt but not mine. I’m becoming immune although her comment did piss me off. Because she was so wrong. She did it before actually finding out if she had her facts straight. Which she, quel surprise, did not. HP told her in the nicest possible way that she was mistaken. The continuing work on keeping my mouth shut and letting others fight the battles is going well.
I broke my favorite ring the other day while taking out the recycle bin but my favorite silversmith is going to fix it. I’ll help her with a skirt. Whew. Broke my heart just a little when that band snapped. I won’t be right until it’s back on my finger.
Mom made french toast with strawberries and bacon for breakfast and that was love on a plate.
My love bracelet arrived yesterday. My mom got the package and she said “It’s addressed to you but it can’t be for real. It’s from some Christian store.” LMAO She loves the bracelet and so do I. It’s lovely.
Fall is here but we’re at the beginning of a two week (predicted) stretch of lovely sunny weather. Low 60’s this week and they think low 70’s next week. Gorgeous blue skies, no clouds, crisp weather but quite warm in the sun and the gorgeous autumn chrysanthemum’s are in bloom and all the trees are turning.
Been having a conversation online with Ian MacLagan’s secretary. It began because they had an announcement that the new Small Faces dvd was out and available to the U.S. but it wasn’t really. I wrote her (didn’t know it was her, just commented on the myspace page) and she’s getting that fixed. Talked about Seattle and she liked my website. It gives me a little shiver, can’t help it. Mac was the keyboard player for the Small Faces and so I have my little 2 degrees of separation from Steve Marriott. Oh, if only I could get to Austin. I’d be able to meet him. Hilarious. Fan girl. Don’t pinch me. I like this diversion. And hey I got friends in Austin. It could happen. And yes, I know it’s her job to be nice and encouraging. 😉
One thing I didn’t tell you during the time I was considering M again was that I was also considering others. In addition to the no spark guy. There’s a fella I noticed some time ago. He’s quiet, he’s well liked, he’s attractive. Follows a spiritual path of no denomination that I can figure. And he is the one who coined Driving to the River as the new catch phrase of our group for the darkest hour based on my story. It created a bit of a fond bond. Freudian slip? He’s touched my knee and hands in conversation. I get smiles across the room. But I can’t take it too far, as I said, he’s kind and well liked. I’m not the only recipient of his lovely graces I’m sure. Yesterday, unknown by me, he sat down behind me. I suddenly feel this warm, gentle hand on my shoulder. It makes me smile (instead of shrug, my typical first reaction) and I turn and he’s there smiling at me. Interesting. He does like to touch, but not in a creepy way, he’s a hugger. He even hugs the men in a genuine way. But I felt special when that hand landed on my shoulder. I’m keeping my eyes open and my smile on.
There’s another fellow who goes to my noon meetings. He was a friend of my ex-husband Joel. Scott has 20 years sober and he has a terrible crush on me. He’s always offering assistance, always looking at me, looking out for me. He’s sweet as can be. And there is nothing there for me when I look at him. No ping, no pitterpat. He owns his own house, three very nice cars, but he smokes like a chimney, has a terrible moustache, and you can’t understand much of what he says. His speech impediment is the result of a terrible car crash that should have killed him but didn’t. He’s terribly scarred from it. And I just can’t bring myself to go there. I feel a little bad about it. I’m sure he’s as lonely as I am. But the yellow streak in his ‘stache, his long unkempt fingernails, and the, well, I just can’t.
But it’s nice to be longed for after being told I wasn’t too old to have sex with but too old to be in a relationship with. While I didn’t take it too seriously, M is after all, only three years sober and not firing on all cylinders yet and he is 10 years younger than me. Not a wit of tact. But it hurt just a bit and did a little damage to my confidence. So it’s nice to be found attractive by others. One of whom would give me the moon if I asked for it. But of course he’s not the one I want. It’s never easy.
So off to apply for a job this morning. Off to the library. And off to my meeting where I plan on doing a little research as well. Don’t even know if the guy is single.