Recently the Witch of Forest Grove wrote a post about balance, How to See in the Dark: A Practitioner’s Dialogue on the Working with Darkness in Magic. It really resonated with me, mainly because I have spent my entire life’s path working the dark as well as the light, trying to find balance. I believe this is Truth with a capital T at least for our earth based paradigm. For some time now, I’ve needed a straight well-lit path…
I’ve been hanging out in the middle world a lot of late, listening to a different kind of drummer. I’ve immensely enjoyed the trip down memory lane, finding the part of me that I tossed out, baby with the bathwater, when I got sober. I was so afraid of that part of me, that my wild child was responsible for my drinking and depression, my despair. It took a lot of bravery, sure, that’s what it was, *bravery*, for me to go get her and bring her into my present, to let her dance around awhile. I know that she is not the one responsible for my illness, that my cells themselves, my brain chemistry, is responsible for this illness called alcoholism. There is a place for my wild child in my life today and she is welcome but she doesn’t rule nor should she. She does belong here with us, the dark and light sides of me, she is integral to my well being and my creativity. All of that said, my side trip with her has left me lonely for my connections, my path.
My connections to the Otherworld, the Underworld, top and bottom, as above so below, what have you, well they have been thready and faint and I’ve not minded too much, there is much responsibility in minding. The truth is after over 3 years of emotional pain; the end of two major relationships, the end of a job, the subsequent 2.5 years of unemployment, the house fire, my father’s stroke, the early challenges with Mr. Furnace, and eventually the learning curve and high production demands of my new job, well, I’ve been fucking exhausted. I needed to just learn my job, get along with mum, lay low, find and enjoy the love that Mr. Furnace and I share very deeply, as few challenges as possible. I needed to just be. There will always be a couple things here and there hanging around, it IS life, but I needed as much lay lowness as possible.
In some ways I’ve allowed myself to be led by the bright shiny things that bring no lasting joy. They bring joy, it’s simply not LASTING. I’ve been a little obsessive about things that do not matter to the soul long term (although they are one of the reasons we love coming back as humans, the shiny, pretty things). For instance, I have more shoes than I should need or want right now! But you know. SHOES. I have a pile to consider either donating or finding happy friends to love them. However (and thank goodness!) the trumpet and drums have called and I can no longer ignore them… They call me as I called them, in my missing them even though I denied it. I want to bring these sides of myself alongside my spiritual path, hoping for an integration of all the parts into one cohesive whole. I’ll still need some Just Be time for sure, ever chasing the elusive balance, but I’m ready for a bit more…
I don’t know what this looks like. I’ve never been whole before, not to my knowledge, so I’m going to make this up as I go along.
I’ve realized that I have strayed from my path. So far in fact that I made this blog only about my art and opened it to the public including my family. *gasp* That is going to remain the same but it’s not going to be just about my art… my path calls.
As this year progresses I’m becoming more and more drawn back to my past, my path, the simpler things in life… I’m still on a journey with no set destination in mind but just thought I send out a bit of a warning. With a few exceptions…
My thoughts are going to be here as before but with identifying markers removed to protect those who wish to remain hidden. Last night was an appropriate time for a regeneration of my path, a re-dedication of my path. She, The Dark One, called me to let her re-join her Sister, The Light One, and me. Welcome, Lady, welcome. We are not whole without you.
A healthy path has dandelions as well as cherry blossoms… the twining is the beauty.
The Witch is Back… Get used to it. More to come for sure. And lest we not get toooo full of ourselves….
Welcome back wonderful Witch and Priestess!!
also it seems to be an important year for such things, so many people around me are waking up to .. themselves? to living their lives and to fully engaging with who they are.. it is very exciting!! difficult in places but very exciting, it is a wonderful feeling, and your post has given me that wonderful feeling.. whee!!
Sooooooo SUBLIMELY said, my Deer Hart! I hear you so clearly! Thank you for putting into words what has been brewing inside me for quite some time too!
Hugs to you!
In that 3-4 year tally I forgot to mention that I was initiated into a BTW coven and left 18 months later. That was a huge part of why I spun off in another direction… Riiight!
This was really lovely, Cynthia. Just loved it. You are an amazing woman.
*hands you a bouquet of dandelions* welcome back lovely!