Oh. My. God. Wait… Who is that again?

This seems like as good a time as any to come out of the closet. Christmas. Yule. Solstice. My heart has been wandering around aimlessly looking for direction and it had a realization this foggy sunny morning. I’ve been asking the Great Navigator to point me this year with fervor. What a beautiful morning it was with the silhouettes of evergreen trees against fog and sun drenched mountains… And I suddenly knew that I had turned the corner. I was in a new meadow. I was now 51% sure instead of 49%. It was time to shift. I shifted. It’s a thousand mile journey from the head to the heart and in one moment I arrived.

I am not a Wiccan.

OMG. Did I just say that out loud?!


Something has flipped inside me, has been flipping for some time now, but I’ve been too preoccupied to focus on it. I’ve been a little busy this year including planning full moons with a Wiccan friend.  A Wiccan was how I’d oriented myself since, well, since I was twelve. I didn’t know the word Wiccan that early on but I knew Witch. What on earth? 42 years in one direction and WHAM, the compass went south. But not really, I’ve been wandering this way for a few years now.

It’s not a simple or easy thing. It feels very weird and not a little uncomfortable. But it feels right too. I’m a little worried that people I love who have been a great part of my path will reject me as I turn left. That is where the discomfort lies, not with my new path but with the potential for yet more loss in a year of so much loss. 2013 is the year for all no longer needed, no longer integral, people places and things to fall away. Those that do move on I will miss but if their minds are closed to the great variety that is LIFE then we’ve already parted paths. Or perhaps they’re just simply busy with their own paths and that’s great. Love to you all.

I still feel quite Pagan in some ways, in the sense that churches don’t really speak to me, trees and groves do. Nature calls me. So does quiet. A single candle, a meditative walk, those things soothe my soul. Well the meditative walk WOULD soothe my soul as soon as my ankle gives me permission to walk more than a grocery trip but let’s not grumble now. Groups aren’t really my thing, never have been. Small groups, yes, large congregations, not so much, but you never know, probably depends on the congregation. I even still like a good circle with incense now and then. I love my solitary circles when I do them, which is extremely rare. There’s a bit of the Buddha in all this, quiet contemplation, but I’m not turning away from earthly things, not trying to find Nirvana or Enlightenment. I would, however, like to feel lighter. I feel the need to shed that which no longer serves or calls.

Several years ago now, an ex-boyfriend, a total Pagan, took me to a gathering where a woman channeled Jeshua Ben Joseph. Jesus. I was all, dude, you’ve got to be kidding me. Really?? Channeling? Jesus? WTF? But I thought I loved him so I went with him to check it out, to support him in something that was important to him. That night changed my life. Because I came away a believer. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind or heart that I met Jeshua ben Joseph that night and he’s been with me ever since. Jeshua and both Marys. I speak to him regularly and yeah, he speaks back. And it has really helped me get through this year. When I’ve been lost and wandering and in need of comfort I’ve called and he’s been there. That fast too. This has not been my experience with any other diety/ascended master/energy in the past.

I’m suddenly crying here. Very emotional stuff. Because I know without a shadow of a doubt that God? Is LOVE. And Jeshua is LOVE. He told me back then, I wasn’t ready to let go, that circles, incense, ritual is not important to connect. There is no separation. Everything is connected. Truth with a capital T. It was easy for me since I’ve believed that as a Wiccan forever. For some reason I needed to still call myself a Witch before today. And I’m not particularly proud of some of the reasons that was important to me.

I have a big cabinet full of accoutrement for the Wiccan path. I’ve been embroidering Pagan items for years now. Books up the wazoo. Tarot decks. Gawd, the tarot decks. What do I do with it all? Well, I still love Tarot because the Journey of the Fool, the story of my life, still resonates and works for me. I’ll still probably embroider bags and the like. Certain symbols still speak to me and still in a sacred way. The cross is still not one of them but the pentacle/pentagram isn’t really one of them either. My shield of protection is Love. Peace. I don’t need protection amulets and chants and raising power to connect with LOVE. All I need is LOVE. All. I. Need. Is. LOVE. And a quiet corner.

I don’t know what any of this is going to look like moving forward but I do know what it will feel like. It will feel like PEACE.

Merry Festivus from a Jeshua loving, nature worshipping, tree hugging, stitch witchy, something or other. Still cawing with crow, snikking with fox, communing with deer dear.


2 thoughts on “Oh. My. God. Wait… Who is that again?

  1. Happy Season-of-the-Sun’s-Return, Deerhart!

    Funny, but the pentagram has never seemed to be a symbol of “whatever” it was “supposed” to be for me either!


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