I Can’t Drive 55

Oh wait. Yes I can.

So, I’m turning 55 this coming Friday and it’s been on my mind. It feels like a massive turning point, way more than 50 did. Don’t know why, but it’s interesting to let the thoughts and feelings about it flit in and out. I notice but don’t dwell. My spirit doesn’t feel 55. My body feels like Methuselah but with love, care, and attention I’m moving backwards to a younger me. Feeling blessed. Feeling tired. Loving the long summer we’re having and so far all of it before my birthday which almost never happens. Summer doesn’t usually start in the Pacific Northwest until July 5th. It is our corny joke.

Feeling grateful and yet still releasing some grief stuff. It hits me Sunday afternoons, probably because I’m rested up after a week of working hard and finally have had enough down time that I let down my defenses… And have a good cry and a nap and then burn wood or sew or do some more nothing. And I can read books again. Challenging books! I haven’t been able to really read in over a year thanks to chemo. I’m serious. My ability to read, to know the date, to put something on my calendar, to track just about anything disappeared for over a year. Ah. Beloved books.

Looking forward to 4 days off in a row, I really need it. Casey and I are going to see a Talking Heads tribute band on my birthday at the Tractor, dinner with mum the next day. You know you’ve found the man for you when you say you want a canning set for your birthday and he asks if you want water canning or pressure canning. I’m so in love….

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I’m very addicted to bluebirds of any type. Bluebirds of happiness. On my tattoo, in my artwork, my earrings, now my curtains. After 8 months (!) in my new home I’m finally making it a home. I was so exhausted when I moved in I didn’t do much to make my house a home. I discovered what a lame ass my landlady is. She should have replaced the carpet and had the bathroom cleaned but she was so greedy to get someone in for her own plans she took advantage of me. A fellow BTW (British Traditional Witch) took advantage of a friend and cancer patient. Yup. Harm none. Whatever witch.

Nothing much got done because I started packing when my third degree radiation burns were in full swing and I was exhausted and in pain and I knew I had to rest because I was starting work 3 weeks later. I got stuff unpacked and the basics made available but no nesting. I’ve been dating Casey now just over 6 months (!) and working 7(!) and am finally nesting. The photos above are the curtains I bought for my 55 birthday present for my bedroom. Expensive? Yes. And on sale too. Cheap eating this week for sure. But they will last the rest of my life. Hand embroidered wool on cotton, they are my dream curtains and I can’t wait for them to arrive. Little by little. A rug is next on the agenda. A nice rug for the bedroom.

Getting ready to purge a few things, add a few things, need to frame a few things.

Going to be teaching some wood burning demos and classes this fall and that’s exciting.

Hoping to get first or second place in a contest at work because it has a generous cash prize, plus making my bonus this month, back full time instead of part time, and the money I’ll get paid for the classes are going to help me pay off some medical bills, nest some more, and provide 4 days at a cabin at Mt. Rainier at the end of September. Plod plod plod as fast as I can, it’s no wonder we sleep most of the weekend.

Work is going well and I’m not breaking down every hour any more. Maybe once a week and that’s HUGE progress. When I get a little down Casey reminds me that I’m really moving forward. He’s such a good soul, such a good heart, good man. He’s so good to me and he can COOK! I know he’s in my life because while I battled cancer I finally discovered my own value, in my own heart, in my own soul. I finally realized I deserved a man like him. And the Universe responded.

So I look at my life right now and I see that I have a lot of love from many directions, a good CAREER, not just a job, a real MAN, a lovely home, and I know that this is my third chance at a good life, the second deadly disease I’ve recovered from, and to many people in other parts of the world I am rich and fortunate and wow, to be a free, white, 55 year old woman with her needs met, well, it’s rare and it’s appreciated and I worked fucking hard for all of it. And I thank my lucky stars every day.

Bless

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