After I opened this blog several of my friends on LiveJournal cried out that they couldn’t friend this blog so they would never read it. Sorry for the inconvenience. But I knuckled under because it was so very important that I be read. So I kept journaling in my LJ blog. Today all that changes.

Many things and many people have flown out of my life this past year. Or my relationships with them have changed. One of the reasons I opened this blog was to get away from some of those people and afford myself some more privacy. I kept the LJ open to the public. This blog is public. And some friends have been notified of its existence. But I don’t intend to friend folks and I don’t intend to censor myself. But I don’t intend to be easily found either.

This journal is for me to process my feelings about my life. And today begins a new chapter. YAY!

Every so often I go do something most folks I know think is at the least silly and at the worst down right stupid or dangerous. Ha! The days of picking up strange men when I’m drunk are over, have no fear. I’m talking about channeling. I know a woman who channels Jeshua ben Joseph, or Jesus. A friend took me to this monthly event and I was beyond skeptical. I thought he was a rube but I liked him so I went. And I believe that is exactly what is happening. I believe that is exactly who is speaking through her. I have been going sporadically ever since. At the end of each teaching there is a Q&A which is extra cool. Everyone there gets to ask a question (there are rarely more than 20-25 people there, usually less than 20. And I went this past Saturday.

When it came my turn I asked about trust. How was I to get back to a place where I could trust myself to pick people to have in my life. An important love relationship recently ended and I felt that my ability to trust had been compromised. See, I had thought when I began the relationship that he was the type of person who would never act in certain ways. And it turned out, due to his own progress through his own life that he became a different type of person. And I didn’t change my beliefs about him. At least not in time to stop the mayhem. I suddenly felt that I had lost all the work I’d done on trust issues. So my question was mostly about how to regain my ability to trust without having to spend 8 years of personal work to do it like last time.

I’m waiting for the typed transcripts but I did buy a tape of the session and have listened to it a few times since Saturday. Basically Jeshua said that I could indeed trust myself to know when a person was trustworthy. That I would know and that I could trust that. He also said that I would get the opportunity to see that very soon. That a new relationship is coming into my life soon. That this new relationship would nurture me and sustain me. So I’m going to trust that.

I feel in this strange place in my life. A place where everything is going to be new. With the exception of family and my sobriety support group, all of my close connections have ended this past year. I have yet to find a new best friend although possibilities are arising. I have yet to find a new lover/partner. And while there is a teeeeny part of me that gets nervous when I say that (what if I’m alone forever and ever???), for the most part I am very eager to see what develops. Because something always develops if you open yourself up to that.

Every card reading I have done has said lots of new, good stuff this spring. Every person I know who listens to signs and feels connected to the energy that is All say lots of new, good things are coming this spring. And spring is springing in my neck of the woods. Daffodils are 4″ above the mulch, pink blossoms, hellebore, many robins, and on Sunday? A hummingbird feeding off the rosemary blossoms in my yard.