Yesterday, as I was leaving campus in my car (I usually take the bus), this thought just popped into my head. I was listening to the Indigo Girls (had to after posting the video). Well perhaps not popped. I was thinking about the meme from yesterday and the lyrics to Closer to Fine. The part where they sing about the philosophy professor who had never seen a B-grade movie made the thought pop into my head. And given the way of thought and how spirit speaks to us it isn’t just a sentence I can type out. So this might get a bit long…
I was thinking about people who choose a specific path in their life and all their interests, all the things they do, all of them circle around that one specific path. And how small that path can be. It occurred to me that there have been times in my life when I have been ashamed that I was such a “late bloomer” *cough* alcoholic *cough* drug addict *cough*. That I don’t have very much to show for my life. I don’t own a home, until recently I drove a very old car, I have very little savings and only because my employer is keeping it for me. Money and time just slip through my fingers…
*BAM* (that was the thought that popped into my head, I see now it was a bam not a pop)
You have lived a very full, very diverse, very interesting life, you. You get to say Wow, let’s do it again!
You have been a homeless drug addict, a stripper, a teller, a paperperson, have been to France twice, have been married, given birth, are a bonafide IQ genius, went to the same schools as Bill Gates and more importantly, Jimi Hendrix, have met famous people, been an asbestos building inspector, been to Mexico, helped other artists (musician boyfriends) survive to do THEIR art, have spoken with Jesus, can cast a mean circle, a potter, a whore, a sweet and smart little girl, a classical violinist, seen a wolf chase a caribou in Alaska with your own eyes, and the list goes on and on and on and you’re only 48. Only 48!
What does the future hold for you? Much more interesting than living a specific small life and never having seen a crappy xxx-rated film when you were 18 and snuck in champagne and the cork popped in your purse…
What is it you spend your money and time on these days? Art supplies. And art. Even my tarot collection is about the art, not about the oracle. That is just a nice secondary happenstance. Sometimes I spend my money on clothes but I spend as little as possible and go 5 years without buying a new pair of good shoes. I buy luscious fabrics, beautiful threads, beads that make you go ooh. aaah. Paints, clay, and after tomorrow new metalsmithing supplies. With the exception of the fabrics this stuff fits in a few (well okay more than I can count) photo boxes. Not much to show.
I give it to the blind homeless guy with two sweet pit bulls on the corner where I get stopped at the light every day I drive. I give it to others. Slip slip slip like sand….
I haven’t kept every card my parents send me or anyone else for that matter. I have kept a select few that are especially dear. I have 2 small boxes of photos. I have 3 boxes in storage. Not much to show.
This past weekend a friend visited me, Alison of Fine Artisanry, and she commented on my home. She hadn’t been there before, she lives out of town. She got there before I got home and I guess after making herself some tea she looked around the place. She said, I love this home, this nest. No matter where my eye rests, there is a beautiful little vignette, something made by human hands, interesting things. And I suddenly saw my home with new eyes. And I realized that everything, all those bits and pieces that I felt ashamed for buying and spending the butter money on, really was a part of someone’s life. MY life. Some of them were given to me and even some were made by me. But all if it is a snapshot of someone’s life. And that is no waste. (thank you alison!!) All of them were about love, the love of creation, a window into the soul of the person who saw it, who crafted it.
If I’m not at home what would someone think when they saw me? Do they see a 48 year old woman with long silver hair, beginning to sag a bit? According to this past weekend’s friends, a hottie, an art appreciator, an artist, someone who has a soul? My dentist almost dropped his drill when I told him I was almost 50. And then he said, I thought you were 74! Don’t make me laugh when you have a drill in my mouth. Love this new dentist but I digress…
I have my whole life in front of me and I know something that I didn’t now when I was younger. I DO create my own reality. I look back and see that everything I did when I was younger, which was yesterday back to my birth, was something I wanted to do. Even the drug addiction. When I was sitting and grooving in the universal energy stream planning this life I must have wanted to have a lot of fun and a lot of experiences and been willing to also have a lot of pain. And boy howdy have I. There were times when I thought I was a lost soul. But I was exactly where I wanted to be, planned to be, and when I was done with it I was able to change it almost immediately. I’m only seeing that recently. I went from stripping to being a bank teller in one week. whoa. I really am a Master. Who knew? Guess what. So are YOU.
Everything has been a process. Everything has brought me to where I am now. And I am so very happy (except when I grumble about the actions of others). I am excited. The future holds much for me and I know what is in my future because I’m creating it right now…
And tomorrow I begin to learn to craft metal. I’ve wanted to do this for years. I know it’s going to be a blast. I’m going to smash my finger with a hammer somewhere in there probably and it’s going to hurt like hell but I’m going to pick up the hammer again and start pounding away. And the result might not be beautiful the first time but that first work will be precious to me. Sacred Crap.
Many years ago I went to a card reader and I have never forgotten the one thing I was meant to hear that day. Char, I’m thinking about you, you’re probably already living your next life, it’s a been awhile since you died… She pulled the Knight of Pentacles from the Merlin deck and I can see that card clear as day even now. She said look at this guy. He’s got a horse, armor, shield, sword, and he and his horse are just standing there at the edge of woods facing the open field. There’s a mouse eating grass at the foot of the horse. You have everything you need to do whatever it is you want. What are you waiting for???? Kick the fucking horse!!
She also told me that I didn’t have to take in all the huddled masses, shut the windows for Goddess sake, they’re crawling in!
I love you Char!
The Possibilities are Endless. How much more can I cram into this lifetime? Tons is my guess…