We don’t need a recession but we have one!
For me that just isn’t an option. Even if I could drink, I simply can’t afford it.
Oi vey! I thought I would be all good and take care of business this pay period. And I was. I paid off every bill, including the last really big winter heat bill and what was left of the dental work, filled up the gas tank (Thank the Goddess I don’t drive much and only have to top it twice a month), and decided to do a big special grocery shopping. Birthday presents for the France folk plus shipping (shipping alone was $46 bucks). It is time that I dropped the extra 10 pounds that I put on when my ex and I broke up and to drop the extra 20 that I just plain don’t need. What used to cost me $125 cost me $200 yesterday. Gonna have to rethink this a bit…
After paying all the higher than usual bills, paying for more expensive gas, and the more expensive groceries, I am flat broke. Busted. Here I am, a web designer and developer in Seattle, and I am broke.
And I consider myself in the Lucky group. I don’t have any money for fun stuff (will have to put off the registration payment for the Canada trip until next month) but I have plenty to eat, gas in the car to get to meetings, and all are healthy. I have a stash of fabrics and threads and can sew and work in the garden. Both for free right now. Today. That’s as good as it gets. Is today good? That’s great, it’s all we have.
Part of me complains when things cost more but there is also a part of me that thinks that we should pay really high prices for gasoline. We should think about every mile we drive. I only wish the extra price we are paying wasn’t lining some jerks pocket who could give away half of what he has and still be rich. I wish it was going to taxes that are paying for folks who need food, health care, abandoned animals… End this fucking war. So much could be done with the money we spend at the pumps. But it just makes sure some jackass has a warm water pool and diamonds to give his mistress…
I suppose part of my low down feelings this Monday is the price I pay after all the energy that was coursing through my bod last week. I’m lonely. There. I said it. I miss being in a relationship. I don’t miss the relationship I was in, I just miss what it feels like to be part of a couple. The camaraderie, the company, the sex. I miss a lazy day when we are both working on our things but in the same place and once in awhile one of you looks up and smiles and the other looks up and smiles back because you feel the connection and no one said a word. That connection that you don’t feel most other places and with most other people.
I sit and I stitch and this weekend I did that while watching Xena dvd’s. And I love to sit and stitch and have quiet (or in the case of Xena, not so quiet) time. But for some reason, today, I feel flat.
I need an OLTOEAS fix. I need to float in the pool, dance in a ritual, hang out with pagani but that is two weeks away… Soon.
Hey! Give yourself a break – it takes a bit of time to adjust to being a singleton after a relationship, and you know what? Being lonely isn’t the worst thing in the world. I know it can feel all hollow and crap, but sometimes, it gives us the space to really get in touch with ourselves and at the risk of being deleted or heavily edited, there’s always wanton sex with someone you don’t know well. Not so comfortable or satisfying (always), but waking up with a warm heartbeat and a thrill in the veins is ok. This comes from someone who loves their own company and can quite happily be alone, so just feel free to ignore me!
A good long walk in nature and a talk with Herne might be just the thing – I’m sure he will help.