Welcome to Part Two of your outlook for the second half of 2008, Cancerian. We’re checking up on how well you’re progressing with the challenges you were given near the end of last year. Here’s one of the most important things I hope you’re doing: getting clear about which of the influences in your life encourage you toward mediocrity, and which influences, on the other hand, nudge you in the direction of mastery. There’s a second crucial lesson that’s related to the first: getting clear about which people have low expectations and distorted images of you, and which people, on the other hand, want the best for you and see you for who you really are.
Oh my god he’s not kidding. The end of last year? SUCKED.
And boy howdy did I grok that the lesson was all about mastery vs mediocrity and which people should be in my life.
So many of my own perceptions of myself have gone out the window. I know now that I am very good at what I do in many areas of my life. I am a good communicator, I am a talented, nay, gifted, artist. I am a very good web designer for the clients I attract. I am a nice person. I love life. I have an affinity with the fae.
Personal change occurs in my life in a process I and mine call “of the educational variety.” It happens slowly and in the beginning one is hardly aware of it. The closer one gets to the summit the steeper the climb but the summit is breathtaking and wonderful and amazing and you are high as a kite, both in altitude and in headspace. Probably the lack of oxygen but there you go. It’s all down hill from there.
And then there’s the people. Same type of ascent but the pain at the apex, when you rip the bandaid off? Almost unbearable. Many people left my life in the last year starting in May 2007.
A friend of 7 years, nothing for it, we had grown in different ways. What was important to us, what we considered honor, just didn’t mesh any more. That one hurt like hell. I felt betrayed and I was. We have differing stories. I was the one who called it off. The sadness took over the entire summer.
My lover at the time was useless when it came to supporting me, in fact he withdrew as well. And then just when I thought I was healing from that loss, he slept with a woman he had a crush on. They really only did sleep but he had other sleeping options, he knew I was against this level of closeness between them and he did it anyway. His denial of his complicity rang in my ears for months and then he betrayed me with another woman. Things have come to light that he has been entertaining thoughts about the first woman again. She is married. Neither one of them told her husband about the incident in the tent. And there he was, asking the channeled Jeshua if he was meant to be with her in this lifetime even though she is currently married. (I accused him of trying to get Jesus to give him permission to be a low down dirty rat) Edit: I’ve been informed that I have this wrong. He was asking Jeshua if her being married was a sign that they were only supposed to be friends in this life. I don’t see the difference really but he insists. Dipshit. Serves me right for getting involved with a man who , oh never mind… This set me off and was the death nell of any hope of friendship between us. It became clear that the entire time he was with me, she was always in the back of his mind. He made me feel very crazy for some time.
The good news about those two is that I did indeed get clear “about which people have low expectations and distorted images of you, and which people, on the other hand, want the best for you and see you for who you really are.”
I lost a friend at New Year’s, my brothers father in law. This might make some puzzle over why I would grieve for this man but he was more than my bro’s FIL. He was my friend. He welcomed me to France in 2004 and we had many laughs together including the time I pulled down my pants, dancing around the courtyard, screaming my head off. But that’s another story. He remembered me at my birthday which is more than my local friends do. The last three weeks of his life was just horribly traumatic. Not only because it happened here in Seattle when he and my bro and family were visiting for Christmas but because no one had any idea he had lung, spine, and brain cancer. When he fell and broke his hip and then fell again and fractured his skull, his body just gave it up. He is very well missed.
Jean’s death and Christmas were the time that my ex-lover decided to go find himself. Selfish fucking bastard. Thanks for the support. When I called him for some support (Jean had just been admitted to the hospital, they had found the lung cancer) two days after he said he needed some me time he got mad at me for not respecting his wishes. I can not describe for you the feelings that consumed me for the next month. I can not describe the level of contempt I have for this man. And before you encourage me to have compassion and send love to him, let me just say, “YOU do it.” I did it for over a year and supported him through a nervous breakdown, a divorce, and just your basic asshattery and I’m done.
I have been very clear for some time now that this past year has been about finally dealing with the part of me that feels invisible. Has been treated as though I am invisible for many lifetimes. And I refuse to be invisible any more. This blog has been very good for me on so many levels.
And now I am letting a beloved job and a shit boss go and leaping into the great unknown.
Last night I met with the two women who have played such a part in this new venture of mine. They are already sending work my way. And there will be many opportunities for me to connect with other folks who will need, and want, my services. This kind of thing is always a big scary (now there’s a Freudian slip) but I also see really far and bright horizons. And a whole new life that nurtures me in a way that working for The Man simply can’t. I look forward to being the master of my destiny, the master of my hours, the master of my afternoon naps, and the master of working outside if I feel like it. Now that shady patio will really be a blessing…
P.S. The people in my life now? Both face to face and in virtual reality? They seem to adore me. And I adore them too!