The Week in Cancer

In the 1925 silent film The Gold Rush, Charlie Chaplin plays a prospector during the Alaska Gold Rush. After a series of adventures, he finds himself stuck in a remote cabin on Thanksgiving Day with a ruffian named Big Jim. They’re out of food, so Charlie gets resourceful, boiling his right shoe in a big pot and serving it up steaming hot. What the audience doesn’t know is that the movie prop is made of sweet licorice, not leather. So while it may seem that dinner is a hardship, the actors actually had no trouble polishing off their meal. I see a similar scenario in your near future, Cancerian: something like eating a “shoe” that’s made of candy.

Well I LOVE licorice, especially sweet black licorice. I could always use extra sweetness in my life.  Still waiting for news on the job front.  Don’t know if I’m going to be called for the third interview or not, these folks run a little slow.

New tires, new wiper blades, Miss Mitty UTI emergency (bloody trails all over the house one day when I woke up) which meant a huge financial hit but she’s doing better…  Glad I was able to take care of these things thanks to a generous friend.  Life is life…

Mr. Furnace and I celebrated his birthday last night with a quiet delicious dinner, a chocolate torte, and a hand made present.  It is a personal inside joke so I can’t share. It was lovely and sweet and we are holding hands and it’s just precious. The love thing is going very well, I’m just quite pleased. We are starting to know each other on deeper levels, to understand how the other ticks, to really grok each other and it’s awesomeness. He calls me dearest and wowest and my heart just melts. I tell you, I didn’t do this ever in my life, get to know someone this well before physical intimacy but it ROCKS and I’m so glad to be experiencing this with him because he didn’t either. It’s enough to make you sick it’s so precious.

I’m finally caught back up after the family visit from France. Halloween was a blast, we had walks and meals and hang outs and laughed a lot. It was good. My nephew and I really got to bond this visit, he speaks very good english now and my french is a little better every time. We made stuff and watched movies and talked about Robin Hood.  He loved coming down to my little abode and hanging out and I loved it back. I love being an auntie.  These are the friends he gets to trick or treat with when in Seattle. He’s the cowboy.

Family life is quiet, Dad gets a little more befuddled as the weeks go by but his attitude is basically good and that makes for a nice quiet home life over all.  I’m trying to participate more in must the check ins with them, it seems to make Mom comfortable and that means I’m comfortable.

It’s rainy and dark and chilly, they’re talking snow this weekend which is amazing for this part of the world, this early. I’m hunkering down and very busy with the making of Yule gifties.  Knitting, pyrography, designing, drawing, sewing, and trying to get some entertainment reading in now and then as well as enough sleep and not too many goodies because that season has begun.  The season of food and more hippage than my pants allow.

That’s all the news from Lake Wobegon. Have a lovely day and one day closer to the return of the sun.

Cancer This Week ~ Freedom

‎”Freedom is in the unknown,” said philosopher John C. Lilly. “If you believe there is an unknown everywhere, in your own body, in your relationships with other people, in political institutions, in the universe, then you have maximum freedom.”I think this is the most important thought you could meditate on right now, Cancerian. You are close to summoning the magic that would allow you to revel in what’s unknown about everything and everyone you love. And that would dramatically invigorate your instinct for freedom.

hmmmm.  Letting this one bounce around the brain pan for awhile…

Cancer This Week

Think back to the last half of 1998. What was going on in your life back then? According to my astrological projections, you were probably carrying out experiments in a wild frontier . . . or getting your mind rearranged by rousing teachings and provocative revelations . . . or breaking through artificial limits that had been quashing your freedom . . . or all of the above. Now you’ve come around again to a similar phase of your grand cycle. Are you ready for action? If you’d like to gather up all the grace flowing in your vicinity, start having fun with escapes, experiments, and expansions.

Just try and stop me…

Oh, I can not express how good I’m feeling right now.  Great interview, I think I’ll at least make the short list. Mr. Furnace is hot. Family coming Monday from half way around the world. Kitty is happy.

I’m right smack in the middle of the FLOW…

Original Family

This week’s cancer horoscope by Rob Brezsny:

For the moment, set aside your complaints about the transgressions of your original family. Cease your laments about the struggles you had to endure as a child. If you enjoy marinating yourself in those sorrows, you can always return to them at a later date. Here are the opportunities that are now available to you: to focus on the gifts that your early life blessed you with . . . to acknowledge the resources bequeathed to you by the past . . . to celebrate and access the primal power that has been yours to draw on since the day you were born.

Isn’t that interesting? Especially considering the inventory I recently did that revealed my feelings about my adoption. I’ve been letting the energy flow in this area, not pushing for any more realizations or epiphanies, just letting things show up as they will and are ready. Nothing major has come up since then and that’s fine with me. It was such a doozy that stirring the cauldron is plenty.

The Men

Some of the realizations that have come up the most have to do with my relationships with men. And while that might sound like a tangent, it really isn’t. If we continue with the understanding that my core beliefs are that everyone always leaves and that I don’t really deserve to live, it makes sense. Some how, some way, the men always did leave or I left them before they could because it was inevitable.  I seriously made decisions about relationships with that thought in my head. Consciously. There was always some blowout, blowup, blast sideways. There was always a guy who was never on the same page. There was always a guy who never quite grew up, always a guy who really didn’t want or understand commitment. I was into the quick fix for most of my life now that I think about it.  The drinks and drugs were just another quick fix. Sex too soon, “love” too soon, trust TOO soon. glug glug glug

Right now, D and I are really enjoying becoming friends. Really getting to know each other. Dare I use the “B” word? Bonding. As we talk about our pasts, our behaviors, and our beliefs, stuff comes up to the surface. We’ll be chatting away, or talking (we do both very, very well) and suddenly I’m in tears, big fat hot wet tears. I look at what prompted them and go, “oh, right,” and then move on.  Healing is happening. This is a new and different kind of relationship for both of us and we both really like it. Just as it is, letting it flow.

I think I didn’t tell you much about our full moon Mabon ritual and probably won’t. But it was beautiful, he was just a dear. He took it very seriously but we found ways to laugh, mirth before reverence y’all. We burned things in the new/old cauldron, we did work for the future, and we gave thanks. He loved it and so did I. That is the first time I have done a full ritual with a male partner. I have been looking for that. Maybe I’ve found it. I don’t know. But it was good and the results of our work are really starting to be visible.

Healing is happening. We are keeping things simple and it’s really good to be friends with this man. Really Good.

But, I hear you ask, what does this have to do with original family. Good question. Adoption makes things interesting. I had an original mother and an original father, both DNA donors and life givers. But they, and we, were never a family. My FAMILY of origin is the two people upstairs, my mom and dad. The brother who is flying in with HIS new family for Halloween. And yes, I could easily kvetch about the isssues we had growing up in this house but let’s look at the positive, shall we?

The Gifts

They wanted me. Very badly. They had tried for 5 years to have children of their own but due to a physical malfunction, that was not to be. They wanted children, had already graduated from grad school, were working professionals, ready to settle down, and they wanted children. They made sure that I knew I was wanted in those early years because I manifested a lot of insecurity even then about my origins.

They wanted me to have the best in my life, the best opportunities they could give me. They weren’t always opportunities that I wanted but that is beside the point.

No matter what I did or how I misbehaved or how I screwed up my life, they were there. THEY never left, never did, never will. And it’s taken me 50 years to realize that I have not seen that, not been as grateful as I could have been, not really seeing this aspect at any rate. They could have left. They never did. But I guess I’m a hard case. It took 50 years for me to start to believe that not everyone leaves.

The Results

So. Here I am. 51. And the most important people in my life are here. Still. 51 years. I think it’s about time this popped to the surface so that the bubbles of these horrifying core beliefs could burst and dissipate into the ether, to be the last things to really and truly leave me. Because they? Are the things that absolutely should.  Buh Bye.

No Brainer ~ The Week in Cancer

My name was “Robbie” from birth till seventh grade. But as my adolescent hormones began to kick in, I decided I needed a more virile stature. My name became the punchier, sleeker “Rob.” But with every year that passes, I find myself heading back in the direction of “Robbie.” The clever severity of my youth yearns to meld with the buoyant tenderness I’ve been cultivating the past decade. I want my paradoxes to harmonize — my blithe feminine qualities to cooperate with my aggressive masculine side, my bright-eyed innocence to synergize with my restless probing. So you can call me “Robbie” if you like, or “Rob,” or sometimes one and sometimes the other. Isn’t it time for you, too, my fellow Cancerian, to circle back and reclaim an early part of you that got lost along the way

Why yes, yes it is time. What I lost was self love and it’s time I get that back. NOW.

The minute I let go yesterday something shifted.  I just got a check from a new client for their new website.  Not a big site, not a big check, but it gives me some much needed breathing room, a boost of energy, and I’m officially working.  THAT?  Feels good.

Tomorrow I see D for the first time in two weeks and much has happened in both our psyche’s since we last saw each other and spoke more than a few words.  I’m looking forward to it but am nervous also.  He just IM’d me and said it would be fun. That’s a good sign.

Please let the wheel be turning up now because I’m wet and sputtering and getting tired of hanging on under water.

So Mote It Be

Cancer this week

From the day I got fired…

August is Banish Your Superstitions Month, Cancerian. To celebrate this auspicious festival, purge yourself of every irrational belief and unfounded fear you can stand to live without. But also keep in mind that you may have to keep a crazy delusion or two, at least for a while. You’ve become so used to your chronic anxiety that it might be risky to get rid of it all at once. So proceed deliberately, casting off one false belief today and another quaint fallacy tomorrow and a third rotten figment of your imagination next week. By September 1, you may be surprised to see how high you’ve ratcheted up your level of fearlessness.

Gee, what irrational belief and/or unfounded fear would that be?  The one where I’m unemployable?  Or the one where men can’t stand me after a month and go from love and affection to utter rancor overnight?  Or the one where I think living on this fucked up planet with random beauty is fun? The one where I’m unlovable? Gee Universe, you’re making it so easy I can’t stop dancing…

Gee I just love hearing from the people in my life all my horrible faults and I love hearing them while being amazed at feats of rage and insanity.

Gee I love being verbally attacked and then being belittled and raged at because I’m defensive.

Gee, I just love being yelled at and accused of being a self centered addict with an agenda who only thinks of herself and what she wants.

Gee, I just love being told none of the faculty like me.

Gee.

Are any of these things true?  Depends on whose point of view you’re asking for.

From mine?  I need to go live in the woods with my cat and stay as far from humans as possible if I’m going to make it in this world.  And yet that worked so well for Christopher McCandless.  NOT.

The Week in Cancer – Graceful Growth

Have you ever observed the rising moon with such a steady gaze that you’ve actually seen it move? Have you ever sat yourself down in front of a rose bud during the hour it exploded into full bloom? Those experiences have resemblances to a slow-motion burst of graceful growth that’s unfolding in your own sphere. I hope you have the patience to give it your full attention, because that way it’s more likely to express its potential completely. To enhance your chances of nurturing the subtle magic, remember and ruminate on the images your nightly dreams give you.

I just don’t know what it is about Rob Brezsny but he does the best horoscopes for me.  Maybe it’s because he’s a cancer too but dang, every week, spot on.  And funny and brilliant and so much more interesting than most other horoscope writers.

D and I are doing much personal discovery of each other in many ways.  Things are drawing out slowly, deliciously, passionately, focussedly (so what, I can make up words if I want to), with interest, abandon, affection, attention, and well, things are just darned good right now.  I’m observing him, myself, and life is good.

Plus, today I get my birthday present from my parents. A mini fridge for my haven home.  Work doesn’t kill me, even the worst days are so easy compared to what I’m used to.

Life is good, very, very good.

As you were…