Countdown is shortened

They have decided to keep The Village Idiot. Which is absolutely no surprise and while it is too bad for the department, they really were in a jam. The Big Kahuni leaves for a year sabbatical in New York in September and to leave her fill in with the job of relacing TVI seemed like a cruel thing to do. So, he will stay just to keep there from being a gigantic gap. Edit: They have only decided not to have me work as a contract hourly in August. He could still be fired at any moment. Evidently he is in terribly hot water from his eval yesterday. One strains the mind to think he can really fix a thing in so little time. I look forward to the final decree. Jeez. Evidently his work plan was a bust including replacing me with a part time student. *smirk*

Which is good news for me in the sense that I no longer feel obligated to give to them. So I shortened my stay to the 18th instead of the 24th. Only four days and considering I gave them 5+ weeks notice, it’s still a generous move. But I am so frikking done. TVI? Has decided to take my last week off on vacation. He will not be here to get training from me or my assistant on the new newsletter cms he ordered. Why should I stay then? There is no point to staying if he isn’t here. I just love leaving him to figure it out on his own on the 28th when the newsletter ships the 29th. I hope it is a horrible death throe but I will not be here to watch. Muwahahahahahaha. He must be the stupidest man alive.

I realized the last few days and after a good chat with a dear friend, R, that I have simply had too much grieving going on in my life these past 7 months. While I was able to grieve the two cats I lost last December and January and I have moved on from the loss of Jean, I have not had the time to grieve the loss of Narcissus (the shithead, self-absorbed, juvenile ex, a little voice says he is no loss, good riddance, but loss it is, I gave my heart fully and must get it back) nor the loss of my first ever dream job.

I’ve tried to heal, to live with compassion, to be friendly but as R pointed out every time I start to make headway with healing from Narcissus’s extremly bad behavior, he gives me some more. And it re-opens the wounds. I have been suffering from headaches that my migraine meds won’t make go away. And I took yesterday off. You know I had to call in sick to use my accrued sick leave before I left right? R tells me that I’ve been giving him too much slack, that I’ve been more than compassionate, more than giving, more than understanding. That I no longer need to minimize his part in the farce. It’s okay to hate him now until I’m done hating him. To let it just be. That I’ve earned some peace. That no one will think I’ve not done the right thing. That everyone will understand. It is time I allow myself freedom from running into Narcissus in any way.

Thank you R for being a friend who has the courage to tell me the truth. Thank you for loving me. I need that right now. And Amphybia? You too. I owe you a phone call.

I got some extra sleep, a good long cry with R, some sound advice, a wonderful trip to the store where I got a great haul of groceries and the perfect little black dress I’ve been looking for for some time now. Some more of those amazing candles which were on sale $2 off plus on sale again 3 for 2. Spent a fortune (but not on any one thing over $30 remember I’m frugal in a spendy way) but whatever. Deals were to be had. I needed to do things that nurtured me. And that little black dress might come in handy. And I’m going to wear it when ever I feel like it… I’m going to like the new lifestyle I’m forging.

Part of the groceries were stocking up on pantry items things I don’t have on hand. Which is always a bit expensive. But I’ve decided that while I can probably never go fully vegetarian I do plan on no longer having mammals as a part of my diet (except perhaps the extremely rare fully organic free range beef that my local coop stocks, maybe once a year). I’ve been feeling very much like cooking lately and for some reason the only cookbook that entices me is the Moosewood Restaurant Cookbook. I’ve loved it for years and realized that almost all the recipes that look good to me don’t have animals in them. I’ve been leaning in this direction for some time. Now is the time to start really nurturing myself. More exercise, better food, enough sleep, good friends, good books, down time. In some ways I think my shit boss was also here to push me out so I could take care of myself. I have the money saved. I deserve this…

I have decided that for now I won’t be attending OLOTEAS. That while it was my only ritual place left to go to, the new friends might change all that. It only sometimes nurtured me and it is part of the wound with Narcissus. And I feel a great relief. Perhaps in late September at Concentric Cirlces, the big vending event, I will feel like it. I’m curtailing Jeshua too for now, maybe for good that one. Too much stress, it is a small intimate group, he goes all the time. Since I have visions of bloody retribution, or, as Jeshua puts it “I want to hug him very, very warmly around the neck,” probably best I stay away from there. For now, I’m leaving the job sooner, won’t be contracting for them, and am taking August off (with the exception of any freelance work that comes my way). I’m going to Canada for Lammas to hang on a lake in the woods with a bunch of people I have never met. I can’t wait.

What I really want is to heal so I can move into the new wonderful goodness that awaits me! I know it is there just waiting for me to be done with the grief. I don’t know when that will be but I need to give it the attention and support it deserves.

I have projects in my mind that are for me and me alone and I hope to have plenty of time in August to do them. And as I stitch, each stitch is an “I love you,” a “you are wonderful,” a “you go girl!” “you did the right thing.” I have always believed that my stitches are charms and spells, I have always imbued love into every stitch I sew or knit. But this time the spell is for me.

I finished a book last night that validated that for me, The Knitting Circle by Ann Hood. What a great read. Highly recommend it.

Other books I’ve read this summer, more than in recent memory really, at least for fiction. They have done my heart good, I need more of this:

The new women I recently met and me are getting together for the full moon on the 17th. We will be doing some healing work. I can hardly wait. These two gals are really growing on me. I get such a good vibe from them.

So, after sending out the email shortening my time here, I went downstairs to visit my favorite slot machine for a diet coke and a bag of my fav’s, Tim’s Jalapeno Chips, and the machine gifted me with a free Reese’s PB Cup pack. After all the times it has stolen my money, been broken, not dropped my selection, it was as if the universe was telling me, You Did Good Girl. It’s good to be so easily pleased, amused, and validated.