The Honey Years part deux

Wow, the abundance is flowing. Sold the fox fur hat today out of the blue to someone who just happened upon my Stitch Witch Cottage website and wrote to see if I had anything for sale. I thought for sure the price would scare her off but she paid within the hour.  I’m going to miss that hat but I never wear it and she latched on to the part about honoring the fox who gave it’s life for the collar I got at the thrift store so I know it’s going to the right place.

Got a huge bonus at work for doubling my expected launches for February (we all got bonuses for kicking some serious butt at work last month). I launched 7 websites from start to finish in 3 weeks. They asked for 4.  I was told today that I will never lose my job there, that I would have to kill someone to be fired.  I need to get 12 in March and from there on out it’s 15.  They cut me slack for being new.  15 is doable if they have the clients for me.

I want to personally thank you for the great job you did this month. I am really impressed with how quickly you have come up to speed and the contributions you are making to the company. You always have a positive attitude and a smile on your face, and I really appreciate that. Keep up the great work.

I received that in my inbox yesterday from our Chief Operations Officer. A far cry from being fired and told I have a bad attitude, am incompetent, and lied on resume, huh? It wasn’t me but I did learn a lot about myself this past year, I have renewed my joyous self, I love what I do and who I do it for so that all helps. When your boss is crazy AND mean it’s hard to bring the smiles to the job.

My mom keeps saying nice things to me and every morning there is bacon or sausage to take with me on my walk to the bus to compliment my yogurt smoothies. My mom shows love with food and hey, I’m loving the bacon. I’m paying them back now and that helps a lot.

Mr. Furnace wants me to stop spending money. He’s right. But man, it just feels so good to finally have it again and have some freedom. He’s an ant, I’m a grasshopper.  I still have some work to do on my personal growth so no worries, I’ll be around working on stuff for some time to come.

Did You See That?

Was it so quick, so subtle, that it passed right over your head? I know it passed right over MINE.

In the previous post I wrote:

I can afford it…

Now mind you I was talking about acrylic yarn that I got at Joann’s and I used coupons and a sale on yarn to do it (I bought 20 skeins) but man, I said it.

I. Can. Afford. It.

I really can’t remember the last time I said that.  And guess what?  This Friday??  I get paid. AGAIN!!  What a novel and fun idea.  Twice a month like clockwork I am going to get paid. Who knew that would feel like wide open spaces instead of not enough.

I love my job. I love the people I work with. I actually do have the nicest boss.  They think I’m doing a great job.  No nasty comments about my competence. This job was made for me for exactly where I am right now in my career and personal growth. I couldn’t have asked for a better fit. Oh. Wait. I guess I did!!!

And I am in love. LOVE LOVE LOVE.  And guess what? We still have not had sex. I know. ME. It took a man like Mr. Furnace to inspire me, try me, wait for me, to organically let everything happen when it feels perfect.  We celebrated our first Valentine’s together with friends eating sushi and whatever you call it when they cook japanese style in front of you with flaming volcano onions and stuff. And cake. Heh. Low key. Very nice. Perfect. I am looking forward to the very new experience of actually having sex for the first time with a man I already know loves me, who has fought with me, cried with me, laughed with me, knows me, trusts me, and I him. For some people that is a given.  For someone with my background not so much. To do this consciously as a gift to ourselves. Of course with life you never know, maybe it won’t happen but I don’t think so. I think it will happen in my core. I have no idea when and I’m okay with that. Completely okay. Because I’ve never felt so fulfilled with a man just holding hands and twining legs, shoulder rubs and head massages and a smooch here and there. FULFILLED.

Our favorite activities?  Watching “stupid tv” (Cash Cab and Jeopardy and the Rick Mercer Report and The Daily Show being our favs), eating, holding hands, laughing, and sometimes me crocheting.  Just enjoying each others company, letting things unfold as they will with full faith everything is perfect. Last weekend I spent the night. This weekend I’m going to Portland to see a dear friend for gab and cheer and sushi and Powell’s Books.  And because it is a 3-day weekend, I’m coming home to do it again.  Spend the night with Mr. Furnace. Holding hands.

Life is very, VERY, good right now and I deserve it.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy, partly because life has been life and partly because I wasn’t who I am now.  Someone who finally learned to enjoy herself come hell or high water but who got heaven instead.

And because this is my favorite movie of the year….

Night 1/11/11

It didn’t escape my notice that I went to a funeral on 1/1/11 or that my first day on the job was 1/11/11.  For some reason it felt like an ending and a beginning… And obviously it was.

I had this scary thought last night.

“I can’t wait to get to work tomorrow.”

Whoa. Who knew. And yeah, I did it at 6:30 this morning through the snow… Something I have NEVER done. Not take a snow day… unheard of.

Sorry for the blurry. It was 10pm and didn’t use flash.  Don’t let the slice of blue fool you, that was a streetlight haze, not sky.

P.S. I had over 500 hits on the blog the other day, 30 is a good day.  That was interesting. Stat page said no particular keywords were found. Huh!

Midnight Snow

The Waiting Is Over

I am officially employed. In my field.  For the employer that was my second pick. I’m still in the running for the employer that is my first pick.  We shall see how it all settles out but either way, I am employed and this time is the charm.  Absolutely.

Happy New Year to me!!!!

 

Job JuJu

The job juju is flowing. No offers yet but I’ve had a lot of interviews in the past couple months.  More than three times what I had in the previous two years. Today I have another and they are moving fast. It would be an intense job, web development producer, but it’s right up my alley.

SMIB

Taking It

Well, here I am. Taking it. That’s good news really. My emotions still resemble a roller coaster ride but this is progress.  It could be all mucking around in the pits and no high peaks with great views. Just an update on the personal side to catch you all up, I know I’ve been a bit silent.

Mr. Furnace and I talk every day.  I understand his motives for what he’s doing regarding his ex. He is a good man with a good heart and good motives. Whether she is up to the challenge or deserves this from him is neither here nor there. He has to live with himself and his actions and this is something he must do for himself to feel that he’s tied up all loose ends. I get that, I applaud that, but I still zapped those sheets. I am what I am. And he laughed. He loves me just the way I am, warts and all. While this is very challenging right now and some of it really pushes some of my buttons, I’m feeling really good about the work he and I are doing together and individually. I feel very good about he and I.

While I have not been offered a job yet, so far nothing has come to happy fruition, I’ve had more interviews in the past couple months than I had in the previous two years. Many interviews and all in my field. I’m still applying for jobs at places like the local Fred Meyer and would be glad to have one there but the interest is all in my field and there is a good amount of it I think. I had a phone interview today that went quite well and had three applications accepted this week and pushed to the next level. Things are flowing and as long I stay as positive as I can something is going to change soon. Not IF I get a job but WHEN I get a job as a friend pointed out to me last week.

I’ve made a lot of new friends this year. People who really do seem to enjoy my company. I’m asked to chair meetings, join others for lunch, participate. I’m invited. I needed that so very much. To feel some sense of belonging in a time when I was feeling very left out.

I’m really moving in the direction of making big changes in my spiritual life and practice. I will always be a tree hugging dirt kissing nature lover and worshiper but that’s about all I can commit to at the moment. We shall see how this progresses. I’m not feeling the lurve in anything but the most simple living moment by moment.

My mom and I are doing well, ever since I shared my story about the adoption inventory, she’s been on my side and very supportive. Dad is becoming more confused as the days go by but he’s really keeping his good attitude and is a pleasant guy to be around. His situation really touches my heart. Bro and I are doing very VERY well, our relationship is quite solid and mutual and it feels good.

I made almost all the Yule presents I’m giving this year with a couple exceptions like the books I got Dad and the Polar Bear on a runaway sled that poops jelly beans for the nephew. I am a great auntie, one of my favorite roles ever.

So it isn’t all sadness and processing of old damage, not by any means. My needs are met and met well. I have a warm safe place to live, plenty of food (too much this time of year! so I’ve been able to share that with those who have much less), I have the love a good man, the love of many friends, Miss Mitty is doing well although I’m keeping an eye on her, and there are job prospects. Life is good and I am grateful. If this is taking it I guess I can be grateful. Twist my arm why don’t you…

And with that I leave you with TED’s  _The Three A’s of Awesome!!!

Confessions

I’ve been busy crafting and keeping my head afloat. Peeling layers of the onion, getting to my core. Lots of tears but grateful in the end. But man, this year has been kind of a microcosm of my 20’s. Staying a secret until I can get to a place where I don’t just rant and say things I wish I hadn’t.

Goodness. I’m still a little nauseous from last night. Not sick in body but in heart and yet not. Just emotions, emotional hangover. I feel like the Universe is also putting me through some challenges that very much resemble what I went through with The Forgiven. Challenges with a man I love and his ex. Challenges with Christmas/Yule. Challenges with memories being brought up. Realizing that I’m processing some very old emotions at a deeper level. Processing them in such a way that they probably won’t come back in this same way again. Because I really am processing and I really am seeing things I never saw and am finding other ways of dealing with things that other people do.

Mr. Furnace has an ex who is deep into addiction. He has tried for years to help her out. Enabling? Yeah. Compassionate? Yeah. Fed up? FUCK Yeah. In the past nagging about this kind of thing never got me and my partner any where. I really don’t want to talk about the details. They kind of make me sick. But I do have full understanding that this is not my burden. MY burden is to figure out what it is that throws me into fear.

In general I *love* the Yule season. No matter what has happened in the past I’ve always greeted the next year’s season with joy and open arms. But after the escapades with the Forgiven I stopped. I stopped celebrating ALL holidays, all year. I had no heart for it. I had no joy for it. I just needed regular old days in order to get through regular old days.

Yesterday I kind of burst open. I’ve been making making making stuff and have really been enjoying the holidays until Friday when Mr. Furnace’s ex threw her drama and trauma and shit and crap into our lives yet again. It is because of HER that Mr. Furnace and I are taking things so slowly. It is the damage created by her behavior that prompted it any way. Yes, he played a part. And YES, I am grateful as hell to be going slowly. But if not for her we would be in a different place that’s certain. And yesterday I just burst open.

Why?

Because she crashed and he let her do it at his place. While he was at work. She’s a thief, has stolen from him repeatedly over the years and I was just gobsmacked. Bad enough he let her in but man, left her there alone???

Why?

Because we have magically cleansed his apartment and his BED twice.  We got him all new sheets and a new comforter and he let her in them. LIVID? Confused? Hurt? Fuck. I was indeed.

But I did two things differently this time.

  1. I asked Mr. Furnace what he needed from me, how he would like me to respond, and what was his take on this current episode of behavior.
  2. I looked at what might be going on inside me at a deeper level.

Number One

He actually had a conversation with me. Finally shared details of these episodes of hers (which include cops and trips to emergency, broken limbs and just missed charges for things like extortion), what triggers her, and what his plan is. We had a conversation. Not me nagging and him flooding and saying nothing. That sounds small perhaps but it was HUGE for both of us. An actual loving truth telling conversation.

Number Two

A bullet list of Christmas memories that are painful. Let’s go in with a given that I have several that are joyful but none affected me so deeply or validated my core beliefs of “I’m not wanted,” “I’m always left,” and “I don’t really deserve to be here at all,” like these did.  With one notable exception, the first.

  • My beloved grandmother on my mother’s side died the day after Christmas but was taken from our home on Christmas day the year I was eleven.
  • My son was born on December 22, 1981 and I signed the adoption papers on December 27, 1981. I never saw him after December 24, 1981. My husband, Joel, disappeared three weeks before Christmas only to sneak by our apartment while I was at work to get checks and drink with his friends and have sex with his girlfriend. OMG. I move in with my parents a week before Christmas and this probably prompted my son’s somewhat early birth.
  • A large span of time with no dramatic Christmas events. The fact that I was hit by a drunk driver while crossing the street on December 18, 1987 didn’t affect my core beliefs but it did affect my celebrations.
  • The Forgiven had a complete nervous breakdow the week before Christmas, 2006. He disappeared and I didn’t hear from him for 4 days. Which was unusual and since he wasn’t at home nor at work I knew something was wrong, he’d been in bad shape just previous. That Christmas Eve I took him to the airport to fly to his parents home, not knowing if he would ever return back. I took care of his home while he was gone and every other day he broke up with me and then the next got back together. I was a total mess by his return on Valentine’s Day 2007.
  • Christmas 2007: The Forgiven and I had been arguing (complete one sided arguing because he refused to participate in any way) over his sleeping in the same bed with an object of affection after he promised she wouldn’t even sleep in the same tent on a camping trip in September that I couldn’t attend. We had even broken up after Thanksgiving only to patch things up the same day. He promised to be there to support me while my brother was in town for his first trip back to town in 6 years, a very emotionally rocky event for reasons I won’t go into here. On the same day that my brother’s father in law went into the hospital (here from France he spoke no English and was to die in the hospital a month later) The Forgiven told me four days into the trip and three days after Christmas that he couldn’t see me or talk to me for at least two weeks. The Forgiven and I broke up New Year’s Day.
  • Thanksgiving 2008 I lost my little cabin in the woods because of my decision to leave my job, which I have tried not to regret but have ever since. I was in a downward spiral by Mabon 2009, seriously suicidal.
  • Yule 2009, last year, I was barely out of the downward spiral but working for a woman who suffered from severe Borderline Personality Disorder, a very vicious mental illness that affects all who are in contact. She threatened to fire me four days before Christmas telling me that she finally had started caring about me as a human being two days later.  She did fire me two days before Valentine’s Day.

This time of the year it turns out holds a lot of potential for complete depression for addicts all over the world. And this year I’m trying not to be one of them. I was doing very well with this, even said in a meeting the other day how this was the best holiday season I’d had in years and until Friday it was.

Mr. Furnace and I had a very productive talk last night and he shared a great deal that really helped bring me understanding of what is going on. He’s shared a lot over the months we’ve known each other and last night he shared more. And I shared in a burst of tears my bullet list. And he saw how much damage I have from this kind of behavior especially at this time of year. Men, other women, abandonment, major loss, poor decisions on my part, too much empathy for others and not enough for myself, sacrificing my own integrity and common sense for a man. And he saw. That was different too.

I think this has brought us closer but we still have more work to do in front of us. Going slow is the only option. There is mutual love there, I am not worried about fidelity just don’t need the drama. I hate drama and yet it finds me. God, I fucking HATE drama. I have periods of feeling like the biggest gullible fool ever. I have periods of wanting to cut and run. I have periods of wanting smash everything. I have periods of massive creativity. I have periods of feeling great love for mankind, I have new friends this year who clearly love my company. I am grateful. But boy is this a mixed bag of tricks. I’m a little exhausted today.  The dam has broken, the Pacific Northwest is flooding, and it’s still one day at a time. I do not trust and so far have not been given good reason to do so. One day at a time. Because that skanky bitch might be there as long as a week.  OMG. I just don’t think I can take this again.