It finally happened. I finally forgave myself for loving, and hating, The Forgiven. *heavyrelievedsigh*
I’ve left a message for The Forgiven (the current new name for the ex, no more Narcissus) and hope that when he returns my call, he’s that kind of person, he most likely will, I hope that we can both say truce. Done. Forgiven. Let’s move on and be okay in each other’s space.
It has been a very long and difficult road to get here. The last week as been perhaps one of the most intense of them. Lots of tears. Lots of awareness of my feelings no longer serving me. But I was also feeling frustrated, why was it taking so long? I think three people have said to me this week “You have to forgive yourself, love yourself.” See, can’t even type that without tears. And while it makes sense and I heard them on an intellectual level, it is a thousand miles to travel from the head to the heart and I had a few more steps to take to get here.
Last night I went to the 25th wedding anniversary for some friends. I knew almost everyone there. This was the Heart Family from the Jeshua channeling I go to. I was grateful to be there, to feel so surrounded by people who love me no matter what. It was an honor and a joy to be part of their celebration, a celebration that was really inspiring. See, J and T celebrated their 25th Anniversary with her first husband. He spoke of his life with J and when J and T were brought to stand in a heart of flowers, R stood in it with them. T himself put J between them. So much love. It was really quite amazing. J had intense dislike for R for 5 years. Knowing who she is now and that she used to hate has been a beacon of hope for me in these months, knowing that it would pass but feeling despair at times over the emotion of it. Oh, darn it, there are the tears again. It is all about love and forgiveness, I simply couldn’t go on much longer without it surrounded by the healing energy of it all.
One of the fellows there, Eric, reads aura’s. He sees dead people and he doesn’t really consider either gift a gift. It causes him distress actually. He was reading auras for folks last night and he read mine. And while he was hesitant to tell me what he saw he did tell me. And I was not surprised in the least. While he said I have lots of beautiful colors, lots of blues and greens and yellows (which is very good), that there are very disturbing and frightening spikes. Muddy red and black spikes that project over a foot out from my physical body. Not as bad as the last time he saw me, thank goodness, but still pretty unsettling to see he said. And I could feel them. I don’t read auras but I read energy in other ways and if you were to ask me at any given moment I could tell you if those spikes were there or not. And they were there last night.
I visited this website on auras just now and it says that black pulls in energy and “usually indicates long term unforgiveness” and muddied red is anger. No lie. The black was especially bang on accurate.
The Forgiven (TF) introduced me to these people. So when I see them, go to their events, I would always think of TF. I would get nervous that he would be there. I would get mad all over again. I would have arguments with him in my head. The hamster was running her little legs off in that wheel. And the spikes would be just huge. It happens at OLOTEAS too. And sometimes while I’m making dinner or cleaning the bathroom.
Eric and I talked for a very long time and eventually he and I and Jackie went to his hotel room and continued our conversation. We talked about a lot of stuff eventually but at first I did a lot of talking and crying. Eric rubbed my feet, pulling all that energy out of me, and Jackie cuddled next to me, all of us on the uber comfie hotel bed. As Eric rubbed my feet the crying finally started to stop. We moved on to other topics. At 1:30 I finally drove home singing my heart out to the Dixie Chicks.
I awoke this morning and felt like total shit. Totally hungover, emotional hangover. All the crying and staying up way past my bed time. I thought I just can’t face another day of how I’ve been feeling and I asked Jeshua to come and tell me what I needed to do to move on. “Forgive yourself. I love you.” Now I’m crying again. And I cried and cried and cried. And I feel clean. Empty of the pain and hate and rage. Just clean and empty. And done. All that shit is gone. It is well and truly gone. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that I won’t be going back to that.
I really simply can’t stand being mad for one more day. The scales finally tipped in the other direction. How much I wanted it to be over and to feel better finally outweighed how much I wanted to be mad. Oh thank god. I finally got to 51% of wanting to be free of anger and hurt. Until you get to 51% you simply can not change. It’s impossible. That 1% makes all the difference in the world.
I called Jackie and let her know what had happened. She will pass that on to the others. I left a message for The Forgiven. He needs to be forgiven, he needs to know he is. And I really really need to do it and to say it to him. There isn’t a lot I want to tell him about the process or why I just want to tell him I finally got there. And because he is who he is, a gentle soul, he will be glad of it. He is a lot of things, as are we all, but he is first and foremost a creature of nature outside of his element and he has a good heart.
Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I know that the spikes are gone. I can’t even tense my shoulders. I feel it the minute I start and my shoulders just drop. Here’s to breaking old habits that no longer serve me. And I suspect here’s the end of the debilitating headaches of the last 6 months.