I don’t post these that often (I get them daily) but today’s seemed particularly appropriate.
Sometimes, when you’re feeling your lowest, the real you is summoned.
And you understand, maybe for the first time ever, how grand you are, because you discover that vulnerable doesn’t mean powerless, scared doesn’t mean lacking in beauty, and uncertainty doesn’t mean that you’re lost.
These realizations alone will set you on a journey that will take you far beyond what you used to think of as extraordinary.
There is always a bright side.
Don’t disguise your tears, don’t hide your sadness, don’t be afraid to find out who you really are. Because in those fleeting moments you’ll summon such beauty and strength that, in no time at all, you’ll fully grasp exactly why you’re so gossiped about here in the unseen.
Yesterday I decided to nurture myself away from home. I simply HAD to get out of the house. I had an invite to my parents house for lunch with them and another uncle that I see even less than the other one. I arrived early knowing the folks wouldn’t mind and found myself cracking crab. Smashing hard objects with a big hammer was a good thing. And we ate very well. And had a wonderful conversation full of laughter.
I left for an acupuncture appointment feeling very bittersweet. I’ve really been getting in touch with how important my relationships, especially familial, are to me. In this time of no money and uncertainty, I have these people in my life who bring me joy.
As I lay on the healing table I realized that while the headaches have been a real problem (we’re still looking for causes and if I get this part time job with benefits, I’m getting my eyes and glasses checked) what I really needed yesterday was TLC. And that is exactly what I got. We talked as well. And best of all, I was able to barter for the service with a tarot bag. I love that!
Went to a meeting last night, got a hug from my new sponsor. Came home and hung out with Miss Mitty. Went to bed at a reasonable hour.
Regarding the new sponsor; my last sponsor and I hadn’t connected on any level since the early part of The Breakup. I was so disappointed with her behavior towards me and stunned when, after arriving to do a fourth step (a fearless and moral inventory of myself) surrounding my part in The Breakup, I had to listen to her monologue on all her opinions on spirit and me, and not getting any of my own work done, well. The final straw was when she told me as I was leaving that I was very lucky to be her sponsee as she charges $85 an hour for the service she had just provided and she had given me three hours for free. OMG. That is so not a 12 step attitude. You give away what was freely given to you. Without that kind of guilt trip. Not to mention doing all the talking and then telling your sponsee that she didn’t do the work and to come back and try again. I never returned and I stopped calling her. And I never told her why. After the loss of two close friends in that year (one a friend and the other The Breakup), I had decided that I would let certain relationships simply die out, that I didn’t need to tell them why, it was only my opinion, that things had degraded so far that it was unlikely they would notice or care. And that turned out to be true in this case. When she didn’t invite me to her handfasting even though I am a pagan friend as well as a sobriety friend, that pretty much told me what I needed to know. Surprisingly I wasn’t hurt at all. Relieved.
It’s taken me this long to get a new sponsor as I wasn’t sure I wanted to go that route again. But I did. I want to ramp up my sobriety practice.
Today I was supposed to meet a friend to pick up some software for my brother. Every week one of us has had to cancel for one reason or another, including the weeks where the software was out of stock. Poor Bro. But good for me as I really need a day at home for some TLC. After several months I’ve picked up some embroidery again. Nothing new, just a project I had set aside due to the craziness of my life. It was really nice to sit here last night and quietly work on it while Cadfael played in the background. Don’t ask me why I resonate so strongly with a medieval healing monk but I do. Including the spiritual practices. He can be so very pagan in his Christianity. I ascribe that to the fact that Ellis Peters was what I consider a true Christian. Cadfael is like my mind and heart’s Mac and Cheese. I go there for soothing.
Some quotes from Cadfael:
“There is no profit in ifs.We go on from where we stand, we answer for our own evil, and leave to God our good.”
“For even the pursuit of perfection may be sin, if it infringes the rights and needs of another soul. Better to fail a little, by turning aside to lift up another, than to pass by him in haste to reach our own reward, and leave him to solitude and despair. Better to labour in lameness, in fallibility, but holding up others who falter, than to stride forward alone.”
“Then he is king in name only, and not worthy of your loyalty. If I were to make such a choice, in all conscience. Out of love?…..I trust my king would forgive me…..Because he knows that in the final reckoning, we are all of us traitors…..to our heart.”
“Happiness, thought Cadfael, watching him, consists in small things, not in great. It is the small things we remember, when time and mortality close in, and by small landmarks we may make our way at last humbly into another world.”
I received two emails this morning from total strangers. Two people who had just found my blog. Their comments left me verklempt. I think my interest in a Pagan web listing brought one my way but the other I have no idea. But their loving and encouraging letters were a balm to my soul.
I know that everything will be all right in my life. It always has been. I did the right thing by moving as my friend totally understands my situation. I think it does her good to help and Goddess knows I need the help. And I will bring it back around to her for certain. I have learned great things about myself in this adventure of mine. And I know that while no job offers complete security, a real job, if they lay me off, provides unemployment benefits. I have none of that now. I would love to get a secure job and know that I have that net. To me that is security. This? This freelancing? ack. Maybe one day in the future I will consider it again. I’ve learned some important lessons that might help then. But for now, I’ve done the healing I needed to do and I’m ready to get back to it.
So Mote It Be.
Lastly, this quote was in the sig line of one of the emails I received this morning. I just had to post it here.
“This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people . . . re-examine all you have been told . . . dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem.”