I know. I wasn’t ready to post yesterday. And I’m glad I waited because things got very interesting before this morning. VERY interesting.
Dinner at his place
I arrive and his small apartment smells amazing. He has cooked up a pork loin, acorn squash, and a tossed salad with pecans, roasted red peppers, etc… I was mortified to discover that while I had said that I hated peas I also can’t deal with squash. oh god. He had spinach and was very good natured about it all. It was all cooked to perfection. His apartment, while very small, was incredibly tidy. From the clean kitchen floor to the stacked towels in the bathroom it was a miracle.
So we ate dinner, we talked for hours about the things we love to do what we have in common and our addiction and sobriety, we flirted like crazy, we watched some Firefly (we are really dragging Firefly out), and stayed up WAAAAAY too late. He said I could stay but I knew if I did we’d have sex and wake in the morning going What Have We Done?
He walked me to my car and we had an awkward hug, bit of a crash on the side of the face, but I kissed his cheek and rubbed his back. He then smiled and gave me a nice, simple kiss on the lips. I went home. And didn’t sleep for an hour. Tossed and turned all night, many many dreams, four of them with him in them. Woke up feeling as though I’d been drinking. Super headache, body aches galore and none of them earned in fun, my tummy is rocking in a bad way. Bleah. Really confused. A bit distraught. Very emotional couple of days.
I spent some time online looking for articles for adults (as opposed to all the articles for teens) and found “Are you ready for sex?” It said this:
So use our five point checklist to tell whether you and your man are ready to take the leap to more intimacy – yes to more than three and you’re on to a good thing; only one yes and you shouldn’t be going ahead; and if yes to two, you may need a little more time to get to know each other:
- Do you feel aroused when you’re kissing and touching?
- Can you talk to each other about what you like physically?
- Are you starting to talk about the future, making plans at least six months ahead?
- Have you helped each other through a bad time at least once?
- Are you physically affectionate even when you’re not being passionate?
I couldn’t answer one single question Yes. Damn. Another article said that if you weren’t comfortable kissing and cuddling with your clothes on you had no business taking your clothes off. And I figured out all by my own self that if I had to ask, the answer was no. Damn damn damn. Progress and personal growth can really be a bitch of a whip master sometimes.
He called me in the afternoon. Said he couldn’t get together that afternoon because he had his Thursday meeting. I said that’s cool because I seriously need a nap, don’t feel so hot. He needed a nap too. Then he says:
We need to talk and I don’t want to do it on the phone.
Well well well well well. I have never, in all my years, had a man initiate a “we need to talk” conversation. I was relieved, pleased, impressed, and in the oh shit oh dear bucket. I said, of course. After his meeting? His place where we have absolute privacy? You don’t mind coming to my place he asks? No, not at all. I really want to see you tonight he says. Me too.
He calls me 2 hours early with that sleepy dreamy sound in his voice. He over slept. His meeting started 10 minutes ago and he’s missed it. Why don’t I come on over now. Okay, sure. As soon as I get dressed and eat some dinner. Which was good. A little waiting never hurt any one. I had taken a nap which wasn’t nearly as satisfying as his appeared to be. Took a long hot soak in the tub, candles that whole deal, and had just finished slathering honey lotion all over my body. Was feeling much better. All sexy but wore my levi’s and a black t-shirt. (Turns out he loves that I wear Levi’s exclusively, very sexy he says)
I get to his place and we sit on the couch and he starts right in.
C: I realized after I kissed you at the car last night that I was acting out in really old behavior. That I was putting on the steam to get into bed right away. I am so sorry. That isn’t right. You are one of my favorite people and that meeting is my favorite meeting. I don’t want to mess this up. It would be so terrible to lose you and the meeting. I really don’t want to do that. I’m so new out of a relationship, I’m confused, I don’t know what I want right now. I want to do things differently. (dear reader, does this sound at all familiar? He could have written my post from the other day which pleased me greatly)
Me: I don’t want to ruin the friendship or the meeting either and I definitely don’t want to be the subject of all our gossipy friends. Meetings are like small towns.
We talked a bit about old sexual behavior, relationships, and he tells me that he’s never been in a relationship with a woman he had anything in common with. If we end up in a relationship I would be the first. (See you all, it isn’t just me, a bunch of us really have sexual and intimacy issues so brakes are a really good idea) I told him about the article.
Me: So M. What would you like to do? Would you rather I go home and we just stay friends?
Me: Would you like to slow things way down and keep seeing each other this way and see what happens?
C: Yes. I really want to keep seeing you.
So we talk some more, we flirt outrageously, I pull out the Druid Tarot deck and we talk art and symbolism. We flirt. We watch more Firefly. And all interspersed in this, weaving throughout all the discussions is talk about sex. About how difficult this is going to be. What a scoundrel he is, his word, his label. How bad we want each other. Oh and we have the STD talk which is always difficult because my dealer sex addict alcoholic ex husband gave me herpes 30 years ago. I hate that talk. Hate it hate it hate it. Just fucking hate it. But he listens to my schpeel about facts and behavior, asked his questions, it doesn’t seem to be an issue of any kind. So there is some relief there. But the apartment is just buzzing with sexual tension. Jeeeezus. So intense.
I massage his hands. Spent a lot of time on them. He just let me. Didn’t resist, didn’t try and turn it into anything. If he’d had a real bottle of lotion I’d have done his feet and his neck too. He said no woman had ever done that for him before. Of course not you silly. Get with a witch, you’ll never switch. Are you trying to make me want to take you to bed? Yes, yes I am, but not today.
In one of those little divergences into really old behavior (all that talk about sex is not a good idea when you’re trying not to have it) I finally say look. We’ve never even kissed. Except for the sweet kiss at the car. We’re missing a lot of information about each other before we actually have sex. And in my experience bad kissers are bad lovers. And since we’re sitting on the floor he snugs over and starts kissing me. And I ask him:
Are you trying to show me you’re good or do you simply want to kiss me.
He keeps kissing and I kiss a bit back and then put my hand on his chest and push him away.
Me: I don’t want our first kiss to be like this. It just can’t be. It has to be natural. It has be what we both want because we want it. Not because we’re talking about expertise and prowess.
And just like that we’re talking about peppermint tea or something equally mundane. hahahahahaha!
It’s midnight and I have to go. We agree that we’re too old to stay up until 2-3 in the morning, it will kill us, kill us dead.
And at the door it happens. That kiss that you just don’t want to end. He lets me initiate. Which I did by simply saying “Kiss me.” It goes on and on and on and it is so good, so hot, so electric, hands everywhere but carefully not THERE … OMG We’re both just “whoa” This will be good when we get there to that place.
I tell him I don’t want to marry him but I won’t be his fuck buddy. That stops him in his tracks. He doesn’t know what to say because he doesn’t want those things either but he also isn’t sure what he DOES want. And I put my finger on his lips and say. Shssssh It’s okay. We step apart for a moment.
C: You don’t mind that I’m in this place?
Me: Look. I know you. I’ve known you for years. I know that you leave one relationship and get right into another one.
C: Yeah, I do.
Me: So I felt that while it was early I really had to get my foot in the door, I had to get your attention before you went off on another fruitless search with a woman you have nothing in common with.
C: I really want to give myself the gift of doing things differently.
Me: I want to give myself that gift too. And I want to give you that gift as well. I want us, two people who have so much in common and so much potential for something really amazing to do this right, with respect. I’m so very pleased that you initiated this talk. It’s so refreshing, it means a great deal to me.
And then more just amazing mashing and kissing and when his hand starts to slide inside the back of my jeans, he’s been groping my behind for some time now, I say something to stop it but in a nice way that I can’t remember but that keeps the kissing going. His desire for me is incredibly evident in many manly ways and lordy lord I have no idea how I made it out that door but I did.
As he walked me to the elevator (I was parked right out front and didn’t want a walk to the car) I told him that I wouldn’t be sitting anywhere near him at the meeting. He says yeah, they’d be able to hear us. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I laugh. I said hell, they’d be able to see it!
At the elevator more kisses but lighter, sweeter, more tender, touching really.
I’m a bit of a scoundrel he says.
I know, I like that about you.
Now I wait and see. I told him that ball was in his court, that I wasn’t going to pressure him or crowd him.
The next time I see him I have a little talk I want to have. No more talk about how much we want to have sex with each other. That kind of talk is done. I want to focus on seeing if we can create intimacy without going there. There is so much to the human sensual sexual experience besides just The Deed. I want to discover your body, one inch at a time starting with your finger tips and see how it goes. And more importantly I want you to learn to want to discover me, slowly, inimately. And then, if we can do that, if we find that we have actual loving emotions attached to those discoveries, THEN, we will take it to it’s natural evolution. But not until then. You will learn to massage MY hands and want to. Otherwise there is nothing we can really do for each other on any meaningful level. That is the talk I plan on having next time. I have this feeling if I do it while I massage his feet, he just might see that as a very desirable journey.
Never Mind. Just going to see what happens. I realized this morning that I could now answer Yes to three. And that #5 had been answered. As friends we’ve been through all kinds of stuff over that past couple years. So I can answer Yes to four. Now just to wait until he’s ready to say it’s different enough.