Roller Coaster rides

How weird am I if I’m lusting one minute and in tears the next, mourning the loss of friends and horny as hell?  Confusing at the very least.

Another dear friend, Bobby D, who I’ve known much longer than Terry and who helped me even more than Terry did, died yesterday after losing his fourth bout with throat cancer.  While it wasn’t unexpected and I suspected it was coming soon, that he couldn’t beat it this time, I still wasn’t ready.

This week has been such a roller coaster.  Up down left right.  Not only have I lost two dear friends for this lifetime, I didn’t get the job I interviewed for (clearly they had no intention of interviewing in person in two weeks, they had someone they wanted already), but it’s also the anniversary time of my friend Jean’s death last year.  All my best to Bro and dear Frederique as I know they are also feeling it very strongly at this time. I love you!

We have a saying in the program:

Getting into a new relationship puts Miracle Gro on your character defects

No kidding.  So I’ve had feelings of grief and loss, lust and becoming smitten, anxiety and scoundrelizing.  I start crying at the most unexpected moments.

At Friday’s meeting Terry’s death and wake celebration were announced.  (as an aside, his wake will be held at the bowling alley where he loved to play, so awesome) Lots of sadness.  The topic that night was about Terry and his gifts to us and honoring him and how to stay sober in times of death and loss.  And it came out that Bobby had gone into hospice.  I actually cried out and just started crying my eyes out.  Marilyn didn’t call on me she told me later because she didn’t think I could get through it.  I wish she had let me try, I needed to talk.  All this while M. is across the room keeping his eyes on me.  Does this qualify as going through something difficult together? Does getting sober?

After the meeting as I was cleaning up (I am the the current coffee cleaner upper person, coincidentally M. is the coffee maker person so it gives us opps to talk) M. came by and aksed if I was going to dinner after.  Big smile.  We ate dinner side by side, a lot of folks there eating and talking about all the ones in our meeting who have gone before us.  Little glances…  But afterwards we went our separate ways.  Doing it differently.   And since we don’t have a clue what we are doing our own selves we can’t advertise a thing to our peeps so we couldn’t even snag a quick hand hold in the parking lot cuz we’d have been caught like deer.  It sucked and I wondered what the hell I’m doing, should I nip this in the bud? Cried myself to sleep just emotionally exhausted but even so, I slept like a baby.

I started to work on a new site design (I do have a freelance client at the moment after waiting 5 weeeks for her to send me the stuff I needed to begin design I got it Friday) at the intergroup phone session.  Once a month one of my meetings answers phones at intergroup. We get folks wanting to know if there is a meeting in their area, folks who drank and need to talk, folks who are darned crazy, the whole nine yards.  I really needed to get out of my head and felt that doing service was the best way to do that.  And it was.  And I was there, with friends, when the news about Bobby came through.

Thank goodness.  Everything all works out.  So I talked to lots of folks yesterday about these passings.  I also talked to my High Priestess about everything including M.  And talked to my house mate about it all.  Thank goodness I have such wonderful friends, to keep and one day lose.  When I got sober, there weren’t many around for me to mourn if I could get out of my self centered bullshit long enough to have a sincere and pure emotion and not many left who would have mourned me.  These memorial services are going to be packed to the rafters.

I did also call M. last night to talk to him too.  He makes me laugh.  He was out which I had anticipated (remember that Saturday event that didn’t get in the way of our first date?).  And this morning while I was lying in bed the phone woke me, nearly gave me a heart attack actually, and it was M. checking in to see how I am doing before he gets to work.  Awwwwwww.  Very nice.

And here is where the Miracle Gro comes in.  He said he didn’t call me last night because he didn’t get in until 1:30 and he hadn’t taken his phone.  And all my trust issues just start screaming.  I know it isn’t him.  It’s me.  I’m so fucked up sometimes.

Anyway.  I have no idea when or how I will see M. again but I have things to do today.  I’ve got the site design to work on, I did a cleansing of my bedroom and living room to get rid of the funk of winter and human habitation and opened windows. I’m going to pack up the winter/yule decor and clean that up too.  Just putter and do laundry and day dream and go grocery shopping.

Oh.  I’ve lost 10 pounds since I moved in here.  Woot!!!  I’ve been trying to watch what I eat and how much but haven’t put  this big deal on it. To take a walk when I think of it, hey that’s a good idea for today, and just be mindful. And it’s working.  I could stand to loose 20-30 more to get down to a good solid healthy 49 years old and counting weight but I’ll take what ever I can manage to get.  Baby steps.  It’s about a 1 pound per week which is good too.

So there it is.  The recap.

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