I went to the new meeting last night. It was a HUGE meeting with a seriously Big Book Thumping Message. These folks are carrying the message and they were funny and touching doing it too. Ran into someone I knew which was good. It will be good. It’s so big that I can sort of pretend I’m a newcomer and sit and knit and listen to the message. Because this is really about sobriety in the end. This group also goes out to eat and next week I will go with them. Last night I went by the old restaurant after wards to check in with my sponsor and a friend or two.
Had a good chat with my sponsor, still a bit vague because we were in company but I wanted her to know that I really am okay. Something that an email really just doesn’t get across. Saw my girlfriend M, who I got sober with, and had a nice chat. Saw M and he said he was glad to see me, he was worried when I wasn’t at the meeting and was going to call me. That phone call would have been the first one in 14 years showing concern I wasn’t at the meeting. Touching that.
The party line I gave is that I need to do a few new things. Freshen up my program, hear some new stories, have a Beginner’s Mind, and meet some new people. Girl M said, and she was right, “if nothing changes, nothing changes.” Since I need to meet new people I have got to get out and do it. What I said was absolutely true.
It was bittersweet however.
Girl M starts this conversation, “We found out my boyfriend’s cabin is available the week of New Year’s and I was wondering what your schedule was like.” “Oh, man, I’m busy that weekend.” “Oh, she says, no, I’m sorry, I wasn’t inviting you, we’re going alone, I need a housesitter. You’ll be in town right?” *laugh* *sigh* I get invited to housesit/catsit a lot. And I’ll do it because I need a break from the home front here but you know? You feeling me?
Change is hard. Everything I said is true. I do need Beginner’s Mind I think the most. I need fresh. I need to feel a part of something bigger than myself. While yes, we humans have evolved further than our monkey ancestors, there is one thing we still have in common. If we are ignored, if we don’t get touched or acknowledged, we shrivel and die. I need more than this or I’m going to cave in.
My sponsor has a New Year’s Party every year where the whole gang goes and “We blow shit up!” as she says. I’m not going this year and she understands. But guess what? She told me last night that one of the home group members came up to her and said “Are you going to the Solstice Party?” Yup. Neither my sponsor nor I had even heard about the Solstice party. And the person who brought it up? Clammed up. Not invited again. Either of us. How can this not be hurtful? *laugh* OMG. These people! Pointy.
Come on. You Know When It’s Time To Leave.
I have a party tonight where I’m going to see many old friends including the first man I ever slept with. Cuhraaaaazy man. That’s just weird and wild. Friends I haven’t seen in 30 years. It’s going to be a hoot. It’s the last show of a band that’s been playing 25 years and EVERYONE is going to be there. I bought my ticket in advance to make sure I could get in, going early to make sure I get a chair.
Another reunion show on the 28th and one more on New Year’s Eve. Another old friend and past crush is coming back to Seattle from Austin for two reunion shows. Two more incredibly fun shows.
Several people have written that they are excited to see me and I’m excited to see them. It’s going to be so great to continue this year’s theme of reconnecting with the old and discovering that I have friends in places I forgot I’d been. And to ring in the new year with them.
Oh. And I Look FABULOUS! I’m in darned good shape these days. The Times, They Are A Chaaaaaangin’