First the negatives: Don’t be a martyr to what you’ve won. Don’t let your success oppress you. Don’t become a slave to the useful role you’ve earned. Don’t neglect your own needs as you serve the needs of those who admire you for what you give. Now let’s try a more positive way to frame the challenges ahead of you: Keep questioning whether the fruits of your victories are still enjoyable and fulfilling to you. Make sure the triumphs of the past don’t get in the way of the potential triumphs of the future. Find out how your success may need to evolve. Push beyond what’s good and head in the direction of what’s great.
After hanging a bunch of art and sorting those bags that were under my ritual table (heh did you like that, my “ritual table” *squee*) I decided to go through some of the tarot decks that have been in storage to see what the spirits say I should make and give to a someone I have grown to consider a dear friend. While I’m still working on that, I thought I’d pull a card from each of the four decks I selected, and see what they had to say to me.
I pulled the Minerva card from The Goddess Oracle. Suddenly a few things made sense. I should say that as an artist who works with textiles, as someone who had her childhood steeped in Greek myth, someone who has had two cars named Minerva because of all the spider webs built on them, I should know more about Minerva but I never really put in the time. For one thing I didn’t know that the owl was one of her animals. I thought the owl belonged to Athena (which is not pronounced Atheeeena but Ah-theh-na, say Athens and then see what I mean).
Owls have been turning up in various ways of late. And I thought, owls, how cool, I love owls. But Athena? Goddess of wisdom and warfare among other things. It wasn’t feeling right. And there was Minerva wearing a headdress from an owl.
This is part of what that card said:
Minerva has come to tell you it is time to examine your beliefs and change them if they do not nuture your wholeness. How are old, outworn, unhealthy thoughts undermining your life, your energy, your happiness?
Right before I’d taken the cards out I was had been reading a note from this same friend. Her note was lovely, written on crinkled paper in handmade ink, I’d read it before. This time a realization hit me with strong force and I started to cry. I believe the long ordeal is over, at least the worst of it. I’m home again. I’ve been burning my Frangipani incense for the first time in over a year. My altar is built and complete again. I have my tools and materials and belongings with me. Miss Mitty is cozy as I haven’t seen her since our little cottage in the woods. I’ve come back to a home that is mine and that also allows me to be close by and helpful to my parents. I’ve learned many lessons. It feels like a sign. Things really crashed for me spiritually, emotionally, not to mention financially, two Samhains ago. My sense of well-being fled when I lost my home. Hekate had dark work for me. And here I am, so very suddenly, with a home again. She has led me out of the darkness and it is light again, spring again. And now Minerva calls. It is time to create and to look with full brightness of day.
This past year has been one of examining my beliefs, changing them if I can, looking at what is outworn and unhealthy in my life. What is undermining my life, my energy, and my happiness, not to mention my wholeness. Not only what but who. It has been a period of letting go and getting very creative about how to survive, how to be happier than simple survival. A period of asking myself what I want to bring into my life. I’ve had triumphs in my past but I no longer know if those triumphs, while of great value, are the path I am on any longer. I am certain that there are more triumphs for me but in different ways, different places. It has hurt like a son of a bitch. The sting will not be forgotten. I will be battle shy for awhile but the phoenix is rising again from the ashes. Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.
I’m no longer sure what my career looks like, what a love life looks life. I’m not sure I care. I have faith. I feel like a cleansed empty vessel, patiently waiting for the answers to come. I feel grateful today to be validated, to be loved, and to have a safe place to come when I need to get away from the outside world. I’m creating again. I feel good.
P.S. My mom just found out that they won’t have to pay taxes this year, my friend who has been without work for almost 3 years and is on the brink of losing her home just got a job and an Obama BoA mortgage, and I applied for a job as a Web Specialist that is just over the hill from my home. You never know. Maybe it’s my turn. I’m happy with the new home for certain but let’s not stop with good, let’s go for Grrrrrrrreat!