I’m pondering many things these days. Last week kicked my butt. I’m bloody exhausted. What’s going on?
For my own reality check, let me count the ways:
- Assistant out sick two days ~ absolutely swamped on those two days only, kick butt swamped, and while it was good in many ways, I got to work more closely with faculty and come to the rescue and be a big damn hero, but I also got to hear all their complaints about the assistant’s work and demeanor, all of which I totally didn’t see coming and it has not been my experience with her. Rock/Hard Place
- Period ~ which shouldn’t bother me but I’ve been having 8 weeks between cycles and then there it was after 3 weeks, like gangbusters, brutal, BRUTAL, cramps, taking Percocette at work brutal. On the two days my assistant was gone. The silver lining? The meds took away the crazy beotch factor as well as the pain and I was able to handle the bulk of those two days with grace and calm. So bad that I missed my coven Full Moon. 😦
- Best friend from high school died ~ One week after I found her after looking for her for many years. We were very close at one time, lived together twice. First girl I ever kissed, first real love actually, one that never was realized because we were really both mostly hetero but the girl crush was there. This was a huge connection and there is no denying, NONE, that she changed my life forever and if not for her, I wouldn’t be here in this way, the woman that I am. She stepped onto a path I had not seen and I followed. Changed me in one of those holy cow fundamental ways. Our circle of friends is grief striken as I’m not the only one who feels that way about her and her influence.
- Growing pains in a new relationship ~ We both have issues and baggage and it is bringing stuff up. Which is a good thing, this stuff must be looked at and acknowledged, and then discarded. It is a painful process and when you’re doing it together you think it’s the relationship that is the problem as opposed to the healing. It doesn’t feel like healing, it feels like shit. But I know from much experience that this is what healing looks and feels like. I have to trust in the process and not make any hasty or stupid decisions. He needs to chill too. The two of us? Are intense. We are not used to each other and how we are together and are figuring out what makes us tired (we both have health issues that leave us exhausted), noticing what is happening before we are both dry and brittle. Thank goodness I’ve learned to temper my, well, Temper and we don’t spiral too far before just talking about it. And crying, you know me, I’m a cryer. I can’t contain the emotions, they come out in tears. It is growing pains and it’s hard to stay centered and calm and look at the big picture some days. We’re taking a bit of a face to face break this week to breathe and then reconnect more rested and ready to hang for a bit. The Good News? He seems to understand that this isn’t about us not being a good fit, that it is about the healing. Thank God. It is why I keep working on this. Relax, C. Relax, D. It will work out.
- The Little House sold ~ My parents finally sold the house they bought when they first married. The house that was to be mine. The one that, for 50 years, was going to be the house I would grow old and die in. It is no longer part of my reality and I think this is hurting me far more than I thought. I feel cranky and resentful towards my parents and yet they had to do this, this house was THEIR old age investment. I’m actually VERY sad about this. I try to be joyful over their good financial fortune but it’s hard because it’s cost me. MY old age security is now gone. EEEP!
- Friends Spiraling Out of Control ~ My closest gal friend has been depressed and spinning out of control and has been very needy and I’ve not really had enough energy to give her what she needed. I love her and want to be there for her and gave it all I could but I’m just exhausted and need some time away from her this week. I will have to back way off here.
I wrote on my Facebook wall “I”ve had ENOUGH.” My cousin Jon called me, he knows me well, and we had a really good talk last night. He’s one of my all time favorite people, top 5, and it was good to just get real in a way that was authentic, no strings, nothing tugging or pulling, just talk about stuff that you don’t discuss at Sunday dinner.
Last night I picked up a project I had put down for awhile, the Bunny Runner. Finally got the yo-yo’s pressed and all the applique pieces cut out. There are little leaves and vines and bunnies and tulips. The leaves are problematic with the iron on Fusible Web as I’m having a miserable time getting the paper backing off. Might have to resort to my heavier applique stuff because it does what it’s supposed to. Fortunately I have plenty of fabric but the heavier Heat N Bond Lite will change the dynamic of the quilting as it is thicker and it won’t be as soft and pliable as a quilt, which is the effect I want this time. I’ll keep working at getting the paper off the lighter version without completely fraying out the leaves, the exact opposite effect I am going for. I want crispy edges and that isn’t leaving me hopeful. (update: Ooooh, I forgot, I have some water soluble glue. I think I’ll cut out new leaves and “baste” them down with the glue. The quilt will be washed in the end to get that puckery effect so that should work fine. It’s a new tool so forgot it was an option. YAY! ) Tonight I’m going to cut out the squares and triangles. Once I have the squares etc sewn together, I can start appliquing the yo-yo’s, bunnies, tulips, leaves, etc. That’s my favorite part and the portable project part which I need when I go visit D or sit in a meeting.
I’m tired, I’m a bit bruised, I’m sad, I’m creative, all over the map. Need a re-charge and to reconnect. And one other way I do that?