The drama that is Cynthia continues to drag and amaze and froth and come forth.
This year I’ve been dealing with some very real truths. I’m always aware at any given time that I am in a process of learning and that the struggles are about having spiritual experiences. I don’t know about you, but I don’t find the spiritual experiences in the ease any where near as often as I find them in the struggle. Someone said that the other day in a meeting and it’s true.
So I’ve been very aware that my difficulties with two jobs, my mom, and with Mr. Furnace are related. That the core issue, the character challenge I have, is something I must overcome or I will continue to repeat this stuff. I knew part of it was dealing with the core beliefs I discovered, I knew part of it was learning to really let go, to let my life unfold in a very organic way, but how to handle difficult people or people who are as strong as I am but not with me as it were.
One of the things I knew from the git go with Mr. Furnace was that he was going to step up to the plate with me. There was no way he wouldn’t say his mind. That he would stand up to anything I said if he didn’t agree, not go along to have peace, but stay true to himself and yet do it because he and I might have a connection. Oh we have a connection all right and with both of us having natal stelliums, him Scorpio and me Leo plus my Scorpio rising, well, we are both very intense people.
I needed to think out of the box, stop reacting, responding instead (and yeah, I fucking hate that kind of psychobabble but darn it, it was true). I needed to find the way to being happy instead of right and I knew that was going to take some kind of admission on my part and some kind of cork popping.
And it happened the other day. The details are unimportant and all too private but I’ll say this. I realized that in my concerns over feeling abandoned while this drama unfolded with Mr. Furnace and his ex, while I was worried about OUR future, and jealous as hell and lonely to boot, I realized that I, *I* had abandoned *him* when he needed me most. I was so busy protecting me but I forgot to protect him. So busy pricking the crazy woman that I forgot to protect HIM. Yes, I have every reason to be concerned and most women WOULD be jealous and lonely and feel abandoned in a time of year that is very difficult for them but I had done the thing I most didn’t want to be done to me.
I ABANDONED HIM.
And with that one thought I melted and fell into tears and glory and joy and amazement and OMG. I had been so intent focusing inside to my stuff (which is a worthy endeavor, do not misunderstand) that I completely forgot to look outwards and into HIS insides. He has very good reasons for doing what he is doing right now. It had to be done. It is very easy to think that it would have been best if it had happened BEFORE he and I became so connected but it might not have happened at all if we hadn’t. It might have happened but most certainly not in the way it is. The timing is perfect in the way that the universe and love works. It is happening *exactly* how and when it is supposed to. The goal is for everyone to win, including the addicted ex-wife. Wouldn’t it be great if she actually did find some recovery? Wouldn’t it be amazing if all of us got healing out of this?
I feel like Ebeneezer Scrooge finally having the veil lifted from his eyes. It is my favorite story all year round. Redemption gets me every time. So why can’t we all find our own redemptions in this fascinating little dance we are doing right now? Why not indeed.
I texted him immediately to tell him what I had realized and everything shifted. In letting go I got connected. In AA we say “surrender to win.” This has brought us very much closer. We have understanding. His response was amazing and it let me know I hit the nail on the head. I did the right thing. Not for me, for someone else, I sacrificed my own happiness for his,truly, and well what do you know. I think I won. Over my fear. The fear is gone for the most part (habits ARE hard to break and every once in awhile the fear wants to creep in but I tell it to sssshhhhh it’s going to be okay). There is so much love flowing it’s a miracle, astonishing. Oh. My. Two people making one heart.
I had been looking outward at one time but I had returned to the role of victim in the past few years. I had some good years away from it but I got sucked into it again and it’s been running my life against my will and many times against my knowledge since 2003. I have been here before, seeing my victimhood, but this has been deep. Brought me to my knees in a new way. Because I solved it the last time by quitting a horrible job and I *was* caught by the love wave and I *did* find a new job and for awhile there I was free, FREE. And then I met The Forgiven and I become a victim of love. Corny song cue.
I knew as soon as I had the realization about Mr. Furnace that this would free me with work too. And that now the universe doesn’t have to wait for me to catch up any more. The job is coming because I’ve got it sussed again. I sure hope I’ve got it licked this time, really do. It was such a flash that it will remain. Writing this sets it in stone in my life. I had a good interview, a second interview, for a great job yesterday. I contacted my references with a nice holiday letter and head’s up and their love and happiness to help blew my mind. The job is coming. I figured it all out. I’m going to be okay. And the flow can move now. It’s coming because I’m no longer in the water but rising to the top as the wheel turns.
I am not going to be abandoned but I have to be careful not to abandon others. I am not going to lose everything but I have to be careful not to throw it all away because it doesn’t look or act as I think it should. I have power and just because someone wants to blame me for this or that doesn’t mean it’s mine. Which I knew but it also doesn’t mean I have to let them know they are wrong. Just help them find a solution and my solution is found. DOH. FUCKING DOH.
I am overjoyed, boundless, free, and still trudging the road of happy destiny. Mr. Furnace and I are going out Saturday night for some dinner and to see some bands with a bunch of friends, a very festive Saturday night. I can hardly wait. I’m making shortbread tonight for my parents and the man who has been my benefactor, my angel, my financial float, Mr. Generosity, a very elderly family friend. I feel lighter and full of the spirit of the season. Blessed be.