Decision to be free

Those of you who have been entertained enough to follow me for some many years now will know that this is not the first incarnation of my blog. I started many years ago in livejournal then in 2005 moved to wordpress, Weaving The Web, because I wanted freedom of expression and to get away from folks I thought were trying to limit me. God/dess knows I do that enough my own self, don’t need any help.  Then in 2008, though staying with wordpress, I created this third incarnation, Love Not Fear.  I brought all the old posts over, even a few from livejournal, so this site is a mostly complete record.

The name Love Not Fear overrides the actual account hidingplainsight.  I’ve been Hiding in Plain Sight for a few years now. I have written a lot about my own personal process.  At times it has been, ahem, CHALLENGING, to stay honest when I am not presented in a flattering light. Like most of us, not all of my personal growth has been pretty. Some felt hurt by it. I’ve had a lot of growing pains in the last 5 years, more intense and deeper than usual.

One of the things that has also been difficult is that I have indeed been hiding in plain sight. My ex, The Forgiven, and my brother were very upset with me over some things I posted. Some of my friends in the SCA would write, oooh don’t say that because imortant  people are watching and you might not get a Laurel (Big damn award, uh huh). I said no to the SCA, no to the Laurel (not that it was offered but I stopped yearning for it), and no to the friends. I refused to be censored and that is how my current incarnation here began.  Hiding to be free.

All of this might lead you to think I’m going away.  But I’m not!!!  I have, however, decided to start anew.  I want to be able to share my work and my thoughts and my writings with people who are close to me and have been for years.  I have not wanted to share all of my process with them.  I have been considering for some time that I have a book in me and I think of it often.  One day maybe I’ll do it. For now though, I want to be able to continue writing and teaching and creating and I want to be visible.

When I was going to the channeler of Jeshua with the ex, it was quite validating.  One thing Jeshua said to me was that I had spent many lifetimes feeling invisible and that this was the lifetime where I overcome that.  I want to be seen and it hardly supports that when I am hiding my self away afraid that those who know me shouldn’t read my thoughts.  I’m still not sure I want them to read the archives.  I’m not ready for that but I am ready to have them see me now, as I am now.

As you know, I have reconnected with old friends through facebook and for me it has been very uplifting.  I don’t friend just anyone, only those I know and with rare exception those I would like to know.  But many of them I will never send here.  I don’t publish this url anywhere.  I want to share now.  My latest status update said this:

As I get to re-know my friends from days long past, I realize how inherent my feelings of separation are. How I never knew anyone loved me. I see now that I was wrong, I was loved for sure, but it kind of blows my mind how different my life would have been if I had believed from the start that I was lovable…

We pick up from where we stand…

I’ve been uncovering myself this past year. I have purple hair now!  It suits me. I’m drawn back to some of my roots.  That free spirited girl I used to be, the one who thumbed her nose at conformity and the status quo wants to fly again.  The self-destruction isn’t welcome but there was much that was good about me and the way I lived my life and refused to conform for the comfort of others. It calls to me.  But in a healthy, embracing, loving, and creative way. Something that builds… If you build it they will come.

Reveal #1…

I have this fear of heart attack.  Two of my women friends have had massive heart attacks in the past 3 years. Serious widow makers.  They both survived, one of them quite amazingly since the hospital was a long drive and a ferry ride and another long drive away.  They are both disabled for the rest of their lives.  With that in mind,  2012 I want to nurture my spirit more than my body, work the muscles and see if they remember my hurdling track and field days. My God, I do not have a double chin, it just happens when I reach back to look up at the guy and laugh, but boy I do have some extra pounds.  Introducing MR. FURNACE! Who loves me just as I am as I do him.

American Goth(ic)

Not pitchforks! Cake.  The cake has got to go…

Reveal #2

With that in mind, I’ve created a new blog.  A place where I will share some thoughts, some tutorials, and lots of creativity!  I won’t post as often as I have before but more than lately.  I think that what I do post will be worth the waiting for.  I thought that since I own stitchwitchcottage.com I might as well continue in that vein. Maybe I’ll even update that site.  I have a few tutorials in the thought bubble. While the blog won’t be entirely witchy there will be some of that too.  Right now my spiritual path is in flux,weaving and bending and flowing and I’m not worrying too much about what to call it or me. But I do have projects galore to share.  And joy! I have joy to share!

So.  Watch for a new post in a couple weeks (I have a LOT to do to get ready!! like new masthead and site design and a couple posts in the queue)…  Stitch Witch Cottage is coming soon to a puter near you!

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As The Wheel Turns

The drama that is Cynthia continues to drag and amaze and froth and come forth.

This year I’ve been dealing with some very real truths. I’m always aware at any given time that I am in a process of learning and that the struggles are about having spiritual experiences. I don’t know about you, but I don’t find the spiritual experiences in the ease any where near as often as I find them in the struggle. Someone said that the other day in a meeting and it’s true.

So I’ve been very aware that my difficulties with two jobs, my mom, and with Mr. Furnace are related. That the core issue, the character challenge I have, is something I must overcome or I will continue to repeat this stuff. I knew part of it was dealing with the core beliefs I discovered, I knew part of it was learning to really let go, to let my life unfold in a very organic way, but how to handle difficult people or people who are as strong as I am but not with me as it were.

One of the things I knew from the git go with Mr. Furnace was that he was going to step up to the plate with me. There was no way he wouldn’t say his mind. That he would stand up to anything I said if he didn’t agree, not go along to have peace, but stay true to himself and yet do it because he and I might have a connection. Oh we have a connection all right and with both of us having natal stelliums, him Scorpio and me Leo plus my Scorpio rising, well, we are both very intense people.

I needed to think out of the box, stop reacting, responding instead (and yeah, I fucking hate that kind of psychobabble but darn it, it was true). I needed to find the way to being happy instead of right and I knew that was going to take some kind of admission on my part and some kind of cork popping.

And it happened the other day.  The details are unimportant and all too private but I’ll say this.  I realized that in my concerns over feeling abandoned while this drama unfolded with Mr. Furnace and his ex, while I was worried about OUR future, and jealous as hell and lonely to boot, I realized that I, *I* had abandoned *him* when he needed me most. I was so busy protecting me but I forgot to protect him. So busy pricking the crazy woman that I forgot to protect HIM. Yes, I have every reason to be concerned and most women WOULD be jealous and lonely and feel abandoned in a time of year that is very difficult for them but I had done the thing I most didn’t want to be done to me.

I ABANDONED HIM.

And with that one thought I melted and fell into tears and glory and joy and amazement and OMG. I had been so intent focusing inside to my stuff (which is a worthy endeavor, do not misunderstand) that I completely forgot to look outwards and into HIS insides. He has very good reasons for doing what he is doing right now. It had to be done. It is very easy to think that it would have been best if it had happened BEFORE he and I became so connected but it might not have happened at all if we hadn’t. It might have happened but most certainly not in the way it is. The timing is perfect in the way that the universe and love works. It is happening *exactly* how and when it is supposed to. The goal is for everyone to win, including the addicted ex-wife. Wouldn’t it be great if she actually did find some recovery? Wouldn’t it be amazing if all of us got healing out of this?

I feel like Ebeneezer Scrooge finally having the veil lifted from his eyes. It is my favorite story all year round. Redemption gets me every time. So why can’t we all find our own redemptions in this fascinating little dance we are doing right now? Why not indeed.

I texted him immediately to tell him what I had realized and everything shifted. In letting go I got connected. In AA we say “surrender to win.” This has brought us very much closer. We have understanding. His response was amazing and it let me know I hit the nail on the head. I did the right thing. Not for me, for someone else, I sacrificed my own happiness for his,truly, and well what do you know. I think I won. Over my fear. The fear is gone for the most part (habits ARE hard to break and every once in awhile the fear wants to creep in but I tell it to sssshhhhh it’s going to be okay). There is so much love flowing it’s a miracle, astonishing. Oh. My. Two people making one heart.

I had been looking outward at one time but I had returned to the role of victim in the past few years. I had some good years away from it but I got sucked into it again and it’s been running my life against my will and many times against my knowledge since 2003. I have been here before, seeing my victimhood, but this has been deep. Brought me to my knees in a new way. Because I solved it the last time by quitting a horrible job and I *was* caught by the love wave and I *did* find a new job and for awhile there I was free, FREE. And then I met The Forgiven and I become a victim of love. Corny song cue.

I knew as soon as I had the realization about Mr. Furnace that this would free me with work too. And that now the universe doesn’t have to wait for me to catch up any more. The job is coming because I’ve got it sussed again. I sure hope I’ve got it licked this time, really do. It was such a flash that it will remain. Writing this sets it in stone in my life. I had a good interview, a second interview, for a great job yesterday. I contacted my references with a nice holiday letter and head’s up and their love and happiness to help blew my mind. The job is coming. I figured it all out. I’m going to be okay. And the flow can move now. It’s coming because I’m no longer in the water but rising to the top as the wheel turns.

I am not going to be abandoned but I have to be careful not to abandon others. I am not going to lose everything but I have to be careful not to throw it all away because it doesn’t look or act as I think it should. I have power and just because someone wants to blame me for this or that doesn’t mean it’s mine. Which I knew but it also doesn’t mean I have to let them know they are wrong. Just help them find a solution and my solution is found. DOH. FUCKING DOH.

I am overjoyed, boundless, free, and still trudging the road of happy destiny. Mr. Furnace and I are going out Saturday night for some dinner and to see some bands with a bunch of friends, a very festive Saturday night. I can hardly wait.  I’m making shortbread tonight for my parents and the man who has been my benefactor, my angel, my financial float, Mr. Generosity, a very elderly family friend. I feel lighter and full of the spirit of the season.  Blessed be.

Taking It

Well, here I am. Taking it. That’s good news really. My emotions still resemble a roller coaster ride but this is progress.  It could be all mucking around in the pits and no high peaks with great views. Just an update on the personal side to catch you all up, I know I’ve been a bit silent.

Mr. Furnace and I talk every day.  I understand his motives for what he’s doing regarding his ex. He is a good man with a good heart and good motives. Whether she is up to the challenge or deserves this from him is neither here nor there. He has to live with himself and his actions and this is something he must do for himself to feel that he’s tied up all loose ends. I get that, I applaud that, but I still zapped those sheets. I am what I am. And he laughed. He loves me just the way I am, warts and all. While this is very challenging right now and some of it really pushes some of my buttons, I’m feeling really good about the work he and I are doing together and individually. I feel very good about he and I.

While I have not been offered a job yet, so far nothing has come to happy fruition, I’ve had more interviews in the past couple months than I had in the previous two years. Many interviews and all in my field. I’m still applying for jobs at places like the local Fred Meyer and would be glad to have one there but the interest is all in my field and there is a good amount of it I think. I had a phone interview today that went quite well and had three applications accepted this week and pushed to the next level. Things are flowing and as long I stay as positive as I can something is going to change soon. Not IF I get a job but WHEN I get a job as a friend pointed out to me last week.

I’ve made a lot of new friends this year. People who really do seem to enjoy my company. I’m asked to chair meetings, join others for lunch, participate. I’m invited. I needed that so very much. To feel some sense of belonging in a time when I was feeling very left out.

I’m really moving in the direction of making big changes in my spiritual life and practice. I will always be a tree hugging dirt kissing nature lover and worshiper but that’s about all I can commit to at the moment. We shall see how this progresses. I’m not feeling the lurve in anything but the most simple living moment by moment.

My mom and I are doing well, ever since I shared my story about the adoption inventory, she’s been on my side and very supportive. Dad is becoming more confused as the days go by but he’s really keeping his good attitude and is a pleasant guy to be around. His situation really touches my heart. Bro and I are doing very VERY well, our relationship is quite solid and mutual and it feels good.

I made almost all the Yule presents I’m giving this year with a couple exceptions like the books I got Dad and the Polar Bear on a runaway sled that poops jelly beans for the nephew. I am a great auntie, one of my favorite roles ever.

So it isn’t all sadness and processing of old damage, not by any means. My needs are met and met well. I have a warm safe place to live, plenty of food (too much this time of year! so I’ve been able to share that with those who have much less), I have the love a good man, the love of many friends, Miss Mitty is doing well although I’m keeping an eye on her, and there are job prospects. Life is good and I am grateful. If this is taking it I guess I can be grateful. Twist my arm why don’t you…

And with that I leave you with TED’s  _The Three A’s of Awesome!!!

Confessions

I’ve been busy crafting and keeping my head afloat. Peeling layers of the onion, getting to my core. Lots of tears but grateful in the end. But man, this year has been kind of a microcosm of my 20’s. Staying a secret until I can get to a place where I don’t just rant and say things I wish I hadn’t.

Goodness. I’m still a little nauseous from last night. Not sick in body but in heart and yet not. Just emotions, emotional hangover. I feel like the Universe is also putting me through some challenges that very much resemble what I went through with The Forgiven. Challenges with a man I love and his ex. Challenges with Christmas/Yule. Challenges with memories being brought up. Realizing that I’m processing some very old emotions at a deeper level. Processing them in such a way that they probably won’t come back in this same way again. Because I really am processing and I really am seeing things I never saw and am finding other ways of dealing with things that other people do.

Mr. Furnace has an ex who is deep into addiction. He has tried for years to help her out. Enabling? Yeah. Compassionate? Yeah. Fed up? FUCK Yeah. In the past nagging about this kind of thing never got me and my partner any where. I really don’t want to talk about the details. They kind of make me sick. But I do have full understanding that this is not my burden. MY burden is to figure out what it is that throws me into fear.

In general I *love* the Yule season. No matter what has happened in the past I’ve always greeted the next year’s season with joy and open arms. But after the escapades with the Forgiven I stopped. I stopped celebrating ALL holidays, all year. I had no heart for it. I had no joy for it. I just needed regular old days in order to get through regular old days.

Yesterday I kind of burst open. I’ve been making making making stuff and have really been enjoying the holidays until Friday when Mr. Furnace’s ex threw her drama and trauma and shit and crap into our lives yet again. It is because of HER that Mr. Furnace and I are taking things so slowly. It is the damage created by her behavior that prompted it any way. Yes, he played a part. And YES, I am grateful as hell to be going slowly. But if not for her we would be in a different place that’s certain. And yesterday I just burst open.

Why?

Because she crashed and he let her do it at his place. While he was at work. She’s a thief, has stolen from him repeatedly over the years and I was just gobsmacked. Bad enough he let her in but man, left her there alone???

Why?

Because we have magically cleansed his apartment and his BED twice.  We got him all new sheets and a new comforter and he let her in them. LIVID? Confused? Hurt? Fuck. I was indeed.

But I did two things differently this time.

  1. I asked Mr. Furnace what he needed from me, how he would like me to respond, and what was his take on this current episode of behavior.
  2. I looked at what might be going on inside me at a deeper level.

Number One

He actually had a conversation with me. Finally shared details of these episodes of hers (which include cops and trips to emergency, broken limbs and just missed charges for things like extortion), what triggers her, and what his plan is. We had a conversation. Not me nagging and him flooding and saying nothing. That sounds small perhaps but it was HUGE for both of us. An actual loving truth telling conversation.

Number Two

A bullet list of Christmas memories that are painful. Let’s go in with a given that I have several that are joyful but none affected me so deeply or validated my core beliefs of “I’m not wanted,” “I’m always left,” and “I don’t really deserve to be here at all,” like these did.  With one notable exception, the first.

  • My beloved grandmother on my mother’s side died the day after Christmas but was taken from our home on Christmas day the year I was eleven.
  • My son was born on December 22, 1981 and I signed the adoption papers on December 27, 1981. I never saw him after December 24, 1981. My husband, Joel, disappeared three weeks before Christmas only to sneak by our apartment while I was at work to get checks and drink with his friends and have sex with his girlfriend. OMG. I move in with my parents a week before Christmas and this probably prompted my son’s somewhat early birth.
  • A large span of time with no dramatic Christmas events. The fact that I was hit by a drunk driver while crossing the street on December 18, 1987 didn’t affect my core beliefs but it did affect my celebrations.
  • The Forgiven had a complete nervous breakdow the week before Christmas, 2006. He disappeared and I didn’t hear from him for 4 days. Which was unusual and since he wasn’t at home nor at work I knew something was wrong, he’d been in bad shape just previous. That Christmas Eve I took him to the airport to fly to his parents home, not knowing if he would ever return back. I took care of his home while he was gone and every other day he broke up with me and then the next got back together. I was a total mess by his return on Valentine’s Day 2007.
  • Christmas 2007: The Forgiven and I had been arguing (complete one sided arguing because he refused to participate in any way) over his sleeping in the same bed with an object of affection after he promised she wouldn’t even sleep in the same tent on a camping trip in September that I couldn’t attend. We had even broken up after Thanksgiving only to patch things up the same day. He promised to be there to support me while my brother was in town for his first trip back to town in 6 years, a very emotionally rocky event for reasons I won’t go into here. On the same day that my brother’s father in law went into the hospital (here from France he spoke no English and was to die in the hospital a month later) The Forgiven told me four days into the trip and three days after Christmas that he couldn’t see me or talk to me for at least two weeks. The Forgiven and I broke up New Year’s Day.
  • Thanksgiving 2008 I lost my little cabin in the woods because of my decision to leave my job, which I have tried not to regret but have ever since. I was in a downward spiral by Mabon 2009, seriously suicidal.
  • Yule 2009, last year, I was barely out of the downward spiral but working for a woman who suffered from severe Borderline Personality Disorder, a very vicious mental illness that affects all who are in contact. She threatened to fire me four days before Christmas telling me that she finally had started caring about me as a human being two days later.  She did fire me two days before Valentine’s Day.

This time of the year it turns out holds a lot of potential for complete depression for addicts all over the world. And this year I’m trying not to be one of them. I was doing very well with this, even said in a meeting the other day how this was the best holiday season I’d had in years and until Friday it was.

Mr. Furnace and I had a very productive talk last night and he shared a great deal that really helped bring me understanding of what is going on. He’s shared a lot over the months we’ve known each other and last night he shared more. And I shared in a burst of tears my bullet list. And he saw how much damage I have from this kind of behavior especially at this time of year. Men, other women, abandonment, major loss, poor decisions on my part, too much empathy for others and not enough for myself, sacrificing my own integrity and common sense for a man. And he saw. That was different too.

I think this has brought us closer but we still have more work to do in front of us. Going slow is the only option. There is mutual love there, I am not worried about fidelity just don’t need the drama. I hate drama and yet it finds me. God, I fucking HATE drama. I have periods of feeling like the biggest gullible fool ever. I have periods of wanting to cut and run. I have periods of wanting smash everything. I have periods of massive creativity. I have periods of feeling great love for mankind, I have new friends this year who clearly love my company. I am grateful. But boy is this a mixed bag of tricks. I’m a little exhausted today.  The dam has broken, the Pacific Northwest is flooding, and it’s still one day at a time. I do not trust and so far have not been given good reason to do so. One day at a time. Because that skanky bitch might be there as long as a week.  OMG. I just don’t think I can take this again.

Original Family

This week’s cancer horoscope by Rob Brezsny:

For the moment, set aside your complaints about the transgressions of your original family. Cease your laments about the struggles you had to endure as a child. If you enjoy marinating yourself in those sorrows, you can always return to them at a later date. Here are the opportunities that are now available to you: to focus on the gifts that your early life blessed you with . . . to acknowledge the resources bequeathed to you by the past . . . to celebrate and access the primal power that has been yours to draw on since the day you were born.

Isn’t that interesting? Especially considering the inventory I recently did that revealed my feelings about my adoption. I’ve been letting the energy flow in this area, not pushing for any more realizations or epiphanies, just letting things show up as they will and are ready. Nothing major has come up since then and that’s fine with me. It was such a doozy that stirring the cauldron is plenty.

The Men

Some of the realizations that have come up the most have to do with my relationships with men. And while that might sound like a tangent, it really isn’t. If we continue with the understanding that my core beliefs are that everyone always leaves and that I don’t really deserve to live, it makes sense. Some how, some way, the men always did leave or I left them before they could because it was inevitable.  I seriously made decisions about relationships with that thought in my head. Consciously. There was always some blowout, blowup, blast sideways. There was always a guy who was never on the same page. There was always a guy who never quite grew up, always a guy who really didn’t want or understand commitment. I was into the quick fix for most of my life now that I think about it.  The drinks and drugs were just another quick fix. Sex too soon, “love” too soon, trust TOO soon. glug glug glug

Right now, D and I are really enjoying becoming friends. Really getting to know each other. Dare I use the “B” word? Bonding. As we talk about our pasts, our behaviors, and our beliefs, stuff comes up to the surface. We’ll be chatting away, or talking (we do both very, very well) and suddenly I’m in tears, big fat hot wet tears. I look at what prompted them and go, “oh, right,” and then move on.  Healing is happening. This is a new and different kind of relationship for both of us and we both really like it. Just as it is, letting it flow.

I think I didn’t tell you much about our full moon Mabon ritual and probably won’t. But it was beautiful, he was just a dear. He took it very seriously but we found ways to laugh, mirth before reverence y’all. We burned things in the new/old cauldron, we did work for the future, and we gave thanks. He loved it and so did I. That is the first time I have done a full ritual with a male partner. I have been looking for that. Maybe I’ve found it. I don’t know. But it was good and the results of our work are really starting to be visible.

Healing is happening. We are keeping things simple and it’s really good to be friends with this man. Really Good.

But, I hear you ask, what does this have to do with original family. Good question. Adoption makes things interesting. I had an original mother and an original father, both DNA donors and life givers. But they, and we, were never a family. My FAMILY of origin is the two people upstairs, my mom and dad. The brother who is flying in with HIS new family for Halloween. And yes, I could easily kvetch about the isssues we had growing up in this house but let’s look at the positive, shall we?

The Gifts

They wanted me. Very badly. They had tried for 5 years to have children of their own but due to a physical malfunction, that was not to be. They wanted children, had already graduated from grad school, were working professionals, ready to settle down, and they wanted children. They made sure that I knew I was wanted in those early years because I manifested a lot of insecurity even then about my origins.

They wanted me to have the best in my life, the best opportunities they could give me. They weren’t always opportunities that I wanted but that is beside the point.

No matter what I did or how I misbehaved or how I screwed up my life, they were there. THEY never left, never did, never will. And it’s taken me 50 years to realize that I have not seen that, not been as grateful as I could have been, not really seeing this aspect at any rate. They could have left. They never did. But I guess I’m a hard case. It took 50 years for me to start to believe that not everyone leaves.

The Results

So. Here I am. 51. And the most important people in my life are here. Still. 51 years. I think it’s about time this popped to the surface so that the bubbles of these horrifying core beliefs could burst and dissipate into the ether, to be the last things to really and truly leave me. Because they? Are the things that absolutely should.  Buh Bye.

The Astonishing Thing IS…

You’ve been reading my posts about how my head works. They include some of the things I think about my own lovability. I’m certain I’m not alone, that some of you have at least a moment or a thought like that once a year. Hopefully not daily like I do but there must be some sort of recognition or identification.

What my head says and what my reality is can be so diametrically opposed it really IS astonishing.

Here is my reality (the one that is in addition to relationship challenges and being fired):

  • Three readers have sent me stuff, unasked for, out of the goodness of their hearts. Because they want to help, to support, to show their love and appreciation to a total stranger who has some how managed to touch their lives across the globe. Another has offered. For nothing in return but the sharing of the goodness and love.
  • A woman today asked me I was going to be at my usual Friday night meeting because she has a newcomer guy who needs to see that women with recovery are cool. And she wanted me to be there. I wasn’t going because I did a nooner today, had a meeting after the meeting, AND tomorrow is our yard sale, but jeez, now I GOTTA.
  • Another woman, TODAY, and I went out to coffee. I’ve thought she was cool and all kinds of wonderfulness for the last year and she has been having a tough time too. Many of the women in the program have dropped her like a hot potato because of a decision she made that actually IS rather radical according to AA’s guidelines. When she needed them most, they abandoned her. Boy could I relate to that. We met for coffee and she asked me to be her sponsor because her sponsor fired her over it. I was all YAY! but on the condition that we are friends, helpers, teachers and students for each other, that friendship be the overriding dynamic. YAY! The deal here is if folks are afraid that her decision is going to cause her to drink again, shouldn’t they be there to pick her up if she falls??? That’s what I thought. I’m going to be there for her if and when she needs me and have fun with her in the meantime. We are finding our way in the challenges that many years of spiritual growth in the program are putting in our paths.
  • I got asked to speak and lead a meeting a week ago and the guy didn’t know me so he asked if I had three months or more, a requirement to speak.  Another guy said, “Oh her? She? Can TALK. Good choice.”  Since I think what HE says is pretty cool, that was an honor and a half. Today he said I should be wearing his jewelry, evidently he’s a silversmith among other things and all his cool stuff that he wears is his. Another artist. Always looking for opps to trade too. Skulls and big chunky silver stuff. Whee!!
  • A friend hired me to develop her website. Small but fun and still a challenge. She’s more excited than I am.
  • My cousin’s ex girlfriend contacted me today telling me how wonderful she thinks I am and how sorry she was to hear about my job.  And to suggest we get together to have coffee and a drive through the autumn foliage in one of our northern valleys.

I get feedback all the time that I am loved. ALL. THE. TIME. WTF?? Most of the feedback I’ve been getting has been in the last year and a half and not from the people who were in my life in a conscious way.  Lots of it comes from you! I am far more grateful than you may ever know. The tide is shifting and the love is coming from unexpected places.

What I need is to be mindful. To start writing these things down. I started a little book with all the good stuff that I get from D to remind me when I go crazy that what I think isn’t necessarily real. I will start in the back with the stuff that everyone else says and does.

And thanks go out to Mr. Furnace. Who deserves his own paragraph, not a bullet point. Who read my previous post and said, “Wow. That’s quite a statement. Let it all hang out baby.”  See what I mean? I’m crazy…  😉

Fear? MOI???

As the days flow since my big epiphany last week (gosh, was it only last week??!) I see patterns. Patterns that mimic my early sober days when I was experiencing other types of self discovery on less deep levels. Because once you have the epiphany? Once you see your belief system and how it manifests in your behavior? You see it all the time. CONSTANTLY. And I am amazed at how messed up some of my thinking really is.

This core belief thing? Appears to be to the bone, bone deep, raw bloody bone deep.

Let’s see, what am I afraid of?

  • Afraid I will be left. Again. By everybody so best to just kick them to the curb now to save yourself the grief later right?
  • Afraid to be myself. Why? Because I will be left again?
  • Afraid to live my life. Why? Because I’m not supposed to have it at all?
  • Afraid I won’t be picked for the job. I’m not good enough and gosh darn it, nobody likes me.

Where does this manifest the most? In my relationship with D. He’s not even really aware of it most times because he’s busy working on his own stuff and I’ve been living with a BIG secret. He’s made comments, and some of them in anger, and it was those comments that sent me to the inventory in the first place. That and getting fired for all the same reasons. He has no idea of the magnitude of the problem. How could he? I’m just starting to grok the damage myself and working as fast as I can on triage. The fear? It does crop up. I am so incredibly sensitive it’s apalling. And everything I see my head translates into loss or the potential of loss.

So when I get a moment to chat or talk with Mr. Furnace it goes really well. But I’m seeing VERY clearly where it wasn’t going well before. A great deal of the time it is my own head, my own belief system that is screwing things up. We have a great time chatting, he’s as fun as ever and I’m assuming it’s mutual because we are still doing it. I just got home from a meeting so I’m reasonably sane at the moment but last night was ridiculous. At the meeting I saw very clearly what it is I do in my head. I’ve always done it. I know now where it came from. Knowing is being in the solution. But Knowing? Kinda sucks too. Discovering and owning that your own mind is your own worst enemy is a frightening thing. No wonder I got loaded all the time and have to work on recovery every day.

What was it I did? Well. Yesterday, before my interview with the headhunter (waste of time but must keep the energy flowing) I sent him a text “Wish me luck” and I got an immediate response “YAY! Positive energy something or other” and I went in, had the thing, texted back saying “Went well but typical headhunter stuff.” and got an immediate response “yeah, you gotta show up. It’s all good though, things are flowing” (paraphrasing here)

By 7 I am spun out. I started assuming, for NO REASON AT ALL, that Mr. Furnace was ignoring me. That he was upset with me. That he didn’t want to see me. See, I sent him a text asking him to promote my etsy shop on his Facebook wall.  He knows a LOT of people.  I get a text right back “K. I’ll get to it” And that is when I spun out. I promptly forgot all the other wonderful things that had happened that day. The other day, the other days. Total fear based reaction and went straight to the absolute worst case scenario. I woke up this morning and was numb, had completely given up on the whole thing. It was over. AND I MOVED ON. No More D.

Later this morning I pinged him and he didn’t respond. I could see he was online. So I pinged again asking if I was in the doghouse. He responded, uh, why? I pretended I was talking about something else and we ended up having a very amiable pleasant chat. As always.

So off to my noon meeting I went where this kind of behavior was the topic for the meeting. Just what I needed. I am so messed up. My head is a trip and a half and half the time I can’t even see how it fucks with me. Denial and belief are two very strong things. How wrong I am, how I went into outer space based on no information at all, completely based on my core belief system of they always leave and I’m not worth them staying.

I know at some point I’m going to share this with D. He will appreciate it. I am pretty sure his reaction will be similar to what it was the other day when I told about the inventory and epiphany. “That is one of the things I love the most about you, you do the hard work.”

That is what my High Priestess said to me when I told her the same story.

Why oh why and when oh when am I going to overcome this? I have no idea. I know that the hard work is just beginning because I only realized the problem a few days ago.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I won’t be able to change. I’m afraid I’ll lose the ones I love the most because I’m such a mess. I try to live in love but the truth is it appears I live in fear. All the time. Part of the solution is seeing that and working on it and re-parenting the little girl inside me who feels so abandoned. Part of me knows that the other part of the solution is people I love NOT leaving me because I’m a mess and me not making them leave in one fashion or another.

The truth is, because I actually AM starting to re-parent and re-program myself, is that my head, just now as I was proofreading the post? Said, hey wait a minute! Of course you’ll change. You’re already not who you are. You’ve had this same fear with other things you’ve wanted to overcome in sobriety. This will work the same way. You’ll make it. You’ve already done the bulk of the work, the digging, the discovery. It’s going to be okay. But it is some sad overwhelmingly intense stuff and while I’m slogging my way through it, this is no overnight patch job.

Light a candle for me?