Deer Heart

I received a Yuletide note from a deer friend today.  I was so glad to hear how her life has changed in small but fabulous ways.  Her exuberance and joy and love were shining.  She keeps up with me in this here blog most of the time so hey girl!  Love you!

I received a lovely box of goodies the other day from another witchie friend, one I really must meet in person some day.  I imagine we could find much to talk about into the wee hours.  Her generosity and kindness means so very much…  And smells damn fine as well.

I was reflecting back on the past Yules in most recent history. Talking with Mr. Furnace the other day, (we are better than ever we were and the fires are stoking) and realized that while I didn’t think I had “bad” yule memories that is no longer really true.

The first one, one that I repressed for many years, was the birth and subsequent adoption of my son.  His birthday is today.  December 22nd, 1981. He is 30 years old today.  My Winter Son. May your life be filled with love and light and abundance of all good things, I hope you are happy. This is a bittersweet memory. I did the right thing but sometimes I think of him and miss him and remember what little of him I had in my life and today is one of those days.

Both Solstices with The Forgiven were just brutal.  He had a nervous breakdown the first one and disappeared for 3 days.  I drove him to the airport on Christmas Eve not knowing if I would ever see him again.  The next months were stressful to say the least. The next Yule with him, he gave me 4 used children’s books, one had crusty boogers on it and then he told me he didn’t want to see me for 2 weeks while he found his own power.  After promising to support me while my brother was here for his first trip back to the states since his tumultuous departure.  The father in law came with him and died on that trip.  The Forgiven chose his timing on the day Jean went into the hospital.  We broke up.

Then the Yule when I had no work of any kind and had just lost my lovely little home in the “woods” and was living on the charity of a friend in her basement rooms.  It was a blessing but I was pretty depressed.

The next Yule I was here with my folks and it was mixed.  In some ways it was comforting to be where I had happy memories from childhood and my father’s birthday, Christmas Eve, to celebrate but still unemployed and living in financial fear at the least.

Last Yule Mr. Furnace was still struggling with letting go of the cracked out ex-wife.  That was fucked up. I was invited at the last minute to his parents for Christmas dinner, someone called in sick and I took their place. It was good enough for me, I was allowed entrance. I was still not working but had some prospects, better than I’d had in two years.  One I wanted, the other I did not.  Still much insecurity in many areas. My heart was a MESS and if I had known that this past year was coming, well, it’s good we don’t always get what we ask for and that this witch can’t see much of the future.

So here it is, this year. 2011.  And my life is 180 degrees in the other direction. Yay!

While Mr. Furnace and I have had a lot of really challenging things to go through and I would have outright refused some of it if I had known the lose ends he had to find closure on…  But those things changed me.  I found some healing from 40 decades of love damage.  Massive change for me, took my OWN inventory, and things shifted, earthquakes, heart quakes, doing things differently, and for once NOT listening to the advice of well meaning friends. For those who supported my choice in the least walked path, thank you.  I’m still having little epiphanies of the healing I gained from things that looked on the outside to be new injuries but were miracles in disguise.  I have never ever been in a relationship like this in my life and neither has he.  We are really forging something beautiful here and I’m so fucking grateful sometimes I cry.  It has not escaped my notice that I’ve been dealing with men issues this year with my father and this man, an actual grown up flawed but changing MAN. The second degree that was offered has taken effect and influenced and changed me much without the official ceremony.  Mr. Stag has strengthened my deer heart…

I have the job I didn’t want which has turned into the best job I’ve ever had in my life. They love me.  ME. Exactly the way I am.  They call me a rockstar. Which I needed after being fired twice in one year and being told I was incompetent, which I had started to believe.  I am the one who pulls the extra weight, if they need extra launches, they come to me. I pull miracles out of thin air.  I rock. I love my work and I tell the clients I work with that truth.  Which makes them very happy to work with me.  I don’t have an office but a very small workstation that doesn’t even rank as a cubicle, I don’t make huge bucks, but I am at work every day. I am reliable.  I have purple hair now. Very dark Purple hair. I’ll get you a photo the next time I have it done and it is at its highest intensity. I wear what I want and can be my pagan punk rock n roll irreverent unguessable self and they love me.  My boss and I care about each other.  I have real friends at work.

My father is in an adult family home.  It’s taken some time for him to adjust to not being home. Some days are better than others for him.  But my mom is doing better than she has in years.  She no longer has an 80 year old child to manage and she’s blossoming.  We went to  Christmas dinner the home gave for the families. We all got our photos taken in family groups in front of the tree.  Mr. Furnace is in the photos and that is a first in my life. Yes. The first Yule photo of me and a partner. With or without my family.  The first photo ever. (NO!!! I’m wrong. The SECOND photo ever.  The first was last year with Mr. Furnace.  Truly amazinger with there being two yule photos and they have the same people in them) There were carolers at the feast and I started to cry because it hit me that this is the last Christmas I will share with my dad knowing who I am.  Bittersweet.

I am happy in all areas of my life today. That has never ever been true for me in this lifetime. I have faith in my love, in my work, in my abilities. I’m surrounded by people who love me and who I love back.  I’m sober. I have my relationship with spirit and deity. The house is beautiful this year, mom and I really decorated, and we all got into the spirit of giving and sharing and warming up the dark.  Lots of baking, lots of making. I’ve been invited to Mr. Furnace’s parent’s home for Christmas dinner this year.  At Thanksgiving I was his plus one.  For Christmas I was invited in my own right, by name.  We’re taking cookies we made together. They made sure that I could eat the bœuf bourguignon because they noticed I don’t drink.

The afghan is finished! Yay!  It’s purty….

Stags stags everywhere…

The house smells like Pine Forest incense from my friend Sarah, the lights are twinkling through the window, and life is good.  Very, very good.

Joyous Solstice to you! Have a Yule that’s cool. Merry Christmas.  Happy birthday to the son of the sun. May the blessings and wonder and all good things be yours in the coming year.

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2 thoughts on “Deer Heart

  1. I am so very happy to read of all the positive changes that have come your way this year, knowing a bit of how much effort has been applied along the way. I wish for you too that the turning of the season will bring you much additional joy and light

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