Brrrrr and Bzzzzz and Zzzzzz

This is my first Saturday that I get to treat like a Saturday in a year. Slept in. Yay!!! Leisurely coffee. Yay! Kitty to the vet to treat her kennel cold and get her on the books. A little grocery shopping and then I’m going to putter the rest of the weekend to prepare for the weekbeginning. Have a Christmas party on the calendar. Last year when I went to this annual gig, I was surrounded by amazing friends who helped me parse the beginning of my cancer diagnosis journey. I still didn’t know I had it, hadn’t even made it in for the diagnostic imaging. Had just found the lump and made the appointment and I was scared out of my wits.* One year ago today. Cancerversary. Oh. Yup. There are the tears. I have such warm fuzzy memories of that night. I felt so surrounded by love and care. So I want to go tonight but I might not make it. After 5pm I really crash energy wise.

Not fatigued but definitely tired and need to catch up with myself after my first week of work. My boss has a printed schedule for me every day and I don’t think he realizes how stressful that is to have every minute managed. It doesn’t feel like a slow entry to me. He schedules in lunch but no other down time. He means well and I think he thinks that as long as there are no web launches, it’s not stressful. Ugh. I might need to talk to him about this Monday. It’s a good thing that none of the “events” last the full time but yesterday they did. It was back to back meetings including my lunch which was a 401k seminar. They provided food but I thought my head was going to explode by 3. I almost had two meltdowns this week. Luckily I was able to stave them off. Some of my sober friends might not approve, but my doctor has prescribed a low dose of anti- anxiety medication to help.

One of the side effects of Tamoxifen is chemically induced anxiety. I feel like I’m in fight or flight mode almost every waking moment. It’s a physical reaction and it requires a physical solution. Thank god for Ativan. He told me I absolutely need to take it before driving because an anxiety attack behind the wheel would be a BAD thing. The dose is so low I don’t even feel it, it simply brings me to a more normal normal. But my twelve step training has me a little uncomfortable with it. I feel like I don’t fit in more than usual these days. I feel like I have to justify this some how. And then my Manticore voice says, girl? CANCER!! Do whatever you have to to survive.

I’m overly sensitive to just about anything my friends say. I’m ready to fight constantly. So I take the meds. But I’m not used to them being the solution so I forget they help. Almost bruised some dear friends last night. Ugh. I really hate this feeling. Taking my meds like a good girl today.

But! We also adjusted another of my meds. Surprisingly my fibromyalgia medication also helps with BOTH anxiety and neuropathy. I pretty much feel like my socks are full of sand 24/7. And when I get up after sitting the pain to walk is rather shocking to me. I walk like an old lady, every step just OW. After 2 days of increasing the dose, there is less sand. Still some and still pain but I’m feeling pretty hopeful about the foot thing. I think working is helping my ankle heal too. Less time on my feet (unpacking has a lot of standing in it) and more walking (to and from the bus twice a day) is helping the healing there too.

All of that said, it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Blue skies, 25 degrees with wind chill to 18. BRRRRRRR.

I hope to soon have the energy for photos again. Camera battery charged, I’m ready. Soon!

I need to get some decaf. That’s what I usually drink but realized that the coffee I had is caffeinated from the Mr. Furnace days (we broke up amicably a few months ago and remain friends). I usually go to Sbux or Tullies and get decaf. So this doesn’t help the anxiety AT ALL but I’ve been so broke from the move that I was making do. Oops! Will remedy today.

Still very much in Hermit mode, even more so really as I’m just exhausted in the evenings after work and need the whole weekend just to be able to face Monday but I’m okay with that. Solitude and hibernating and cocooning and nesting are EXACTLY what I need right now.

Bright blessings as we move towards Solstice!
Cyn

* now there’s a phrase! Scared out of my wits. Pretty much describes the bulk of this year.

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